How do I say goodbye?

How do I say goodbye to the love of my life?

It was the best seven years of my life; it was the worst year of my life. It was the best day of my life; it was the worst day of my life. How do you describe a relationship with the woman of your dreams, the woman that you waited until you were 50 to meet?

When I take Kona and Jackson out at night to do their business, I must wait. I must wait until Kona pees before I get down on my knees. If I get down before she pees, then she and Jackson will come over and nuzzle and rub against me before I have a chance to pray. If I wait, she pees, Jackson comes over and covers her pee spot with his contribution. Their activity gives me time to pray for the one thing I want more than anything else. I ask for the love of my life to remember the love, the dream, the plan we had for our lives and to find her way home. Every time, tears flow down my face. The dogs still come up and try to comfort me, Kona licks the tears from my face. It has happened so many nights in a row, months’ worth of nights.

Did you marry me for my money and potential to make more or was it for love? Was it as meaningful and sweet and precious to you as it was to me?

Why did you really leave me that night? Why did you leave the man of your dreams? The life you always wanted? The backyard with the view of the mountains you loved? What was it that was so scary that we couldn’t have worked through together like we had so many times before? And yet I stand and wait…

I sleep little, finding myself waking at all hours of the night, reaching for you and not finding you. Wishing I had more time. Never enough time.

It is not leaving while I was fighting for my life that was the betrayal, it is what came next that was. The cruelty and meanness and horrible treatment you leveled at me. Blaming your departure on me. When all I really did that night was try to sooth you and get you to open up to me. A terrible night. The worst night of my life.

I still remember your smells, the sounds you make, your laughter when I make a funny face or tell a stupid joke. I still hear you telling me “Uh Oh” when I tell you, “I was thinking”. I can still hear your voice echoing in my head when you say, “I love you”.

I still remember, all those times when we made passionate love and you would say “that was the best one yet”, or “How do you do that” and I never answered because the answer was so simple. It comes from love, being aware of the situation, listening to the sounds, paying attention to the details, and living in the moment. Knowing you were satisfied was always one of the happiest experiences of my life…repeated so many times.

Cancer is not fun it is a horrible horrible disease. Radiation is excruciating. After a while, your skin starts to feel like it is in a constant state of peeling away from the bone. When I go to the local Cancer Center for my regular check-ups, I dread the visits. I hate that place, not because of what it represents, but because it is the last place my wife stood by my side fighting this scourge. It triggers me horribly even years later.

Friends and family say I should move on, but I cannot, my heart is staying where my heart wants to stay. I do not tolerate any mean or harsh words about you from anyone. Anything leveled at you, mean or harsh gets immediate rebuke.

Kona still misses you. She continues to search for you in your office and on your side of the bed. She had a hard time sleeping up on the bed when you left preferring to sleep on the floor next to your side of the bed. Jackson has become a great companion to Kona and me. He has calmed way down. I can take him on walks off-leash without worries that he will take off and chase the antelope. He races Glen and every other car that drives down the Lane.

I spend a good amount of time by your aspen trees tending to them. Kona joins me there, laying at my feet. Or alternately… she runs circles around the trees like she did around our wedding reception tables. One day when she goes, I will spread her ashes among those trees. I figure she will be OK spending eternity amongst the trees you loved so much.

There are three very special bottles of wine in the basement. One red, one white and one champagne. I will never drink them with anyone but you. They are the last three remaining bottles from our wedding.

How do I say goodbye to the only woman I have ever truly loved? The woman I love more deeply than any other woman in my life? The woman who could not stand by me when I needed you the most?

How do I say goodbye?

Maybe I do not say goodbye. Maybe I keep that part of my heart that you own, protected, and locked away in a place nothing can affect, save for the hope of another chance.

I will keep telling you stories at night in bed, when you ask, “Tell me a story”. I will continue talking to you on my daily walks with the fur babies, asking how your day went. And of course, I will talk to you every night when I get down on my knees and pray for you and us. I say good night every night when I close my eyes. And yet I stand and wait….