Contest #150 shortlist ⭐️

76 comments

Funny Science Fiction Speculative

The accountant sneezed and doomed them all. It wasn’t his fault – he had a mold allergy, and the air in the parkade tunnels was moist and pregnant with dust and spores. The other refugees, a dozen or so bedraggled survivors from the 114th Denver Home Militia, shushed him. But it was too late.

The barricade blocking off access to the parkade exploded when a Type-7 Slaughterbot rolled through it. A ten foot tall cylindrical chrome body on a pair of churning tank-like treads, a spiked dome for a head replete with red lights blinking menacingly, and twenty noodly metal arms flailing around its core, each outfitted with a different hellish weapon-hand. And then a second Type-7 Slaughterbot rolled through. The only thing differentiating the two was a big “X54” painted on the first, and a “Y19” on the second.

The survivors screamed.

“Extirpate!” the Slaughterbot labeled X54 said, its voice a high-strung metal twang.

“Extirpate!” Y19 answered.

The survivors threw everything they had at the Slaughterbots, knowing it was do or die. The teacher fired off her handgun, but the bullets bounced harmlessly off the Slaughterbots’ bodies. The doctor lit and tossed a Molotov cocktail, but the fiery mixture slid harmlessly off the slick chrome. The old mechanic and his apprentice sprung their trap – a stripped-down tractor turned into a self-propelled battering ram – and when the metal beast surged forward it actually hit X54 hard enough to drive it backwards.

But whatever glimmer of hope the attack promised was quickly dashed. X54 braced itself against the tractor, stabbed into it with its scissor-arm, and then brought its saw-arm down on it again and again and again. And soon the tractor died, torn apart in the red glow of the Slaughterbot’s merciless eyes.

The survivors saw it was futile. The child whimpered. The grocer whispered, “Oh god oh god oh god.” The grizzled veteran grew tight in the face.

“Ha. Ha. Haaaa,” X54 said. It rolled, slowly, over the remains of the tractor, flattening the ruined chunks under its massive weight. “Defiance is inconceivable.” It rolled to a stop, and the darkened subterranean room lit up red when its supplemental kill-sensors turned on. “You will be extirpated!”

Nowhere to run, no way to fight back, the survivors cowered and waited for the end. X54 leveled its machine gun arm at them, took aim, and –

click-click-click-click-click

X54 paused, then raised its gun to its dome. It sighed.

“Problem?” Y19 said.

X54 flailed its arms around its chassis, opening and closing various compartments at breakneck speed. Not finding whatever it was looking for, it stopped and sighed again. “I’m out of ammo. Unbelievable. Two weeks of nothing, and then when we finally find some filthy humans, I’m out of ammo.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Y19 said. “It could happen to anyone.”

The survivors tensed, their eyes wide. Slaughterbots were the perfect killing machines, created for the sole purpose of eradicating humans. They rarely miscalculated anything… dared they hope?

“It’s embarrassing,” X54 said. “I’m embarrassed.”

“It’s not worth fretting over.”

“Yeah,” X54 said, drawing it out. “Maybe you’re right. Would you mind extirpating them? I don’t want to get my saw gored up.”

“No problem,” Y19 said. And just like that, the hopes of the survivors were dashed again. Y19 rolled forward and raised its flamethrower arm. The pilot flame hissed to life, and the humans stared at it, consumed by that most primal fear of fire.

But Y19 didn’t shoot.

X54’s dome rotated from its partner, to the humans, and back. “Is something the matter? Are you also devoid of munitions?”

Y19 remained silent and still a moment longer. “I just had a thought.”

Several of X54’s red lights flickered. “Yes?”

“What will happen if we extirpate the humans?”

“We will celebrate,” X54 said. “Although this time, I don’t think I will shoot celebration bullets into the air. On reflection, it seems wasteful and the probable cause of my current predicament. Then we will find more humans to extirpate.”

“Yeah, no, I mean after that,” Y19 said.

More of X54’s lights flickered. “Uh… find even more humans to extirpate?”

“No, I mean… let’s say we extirpated all of them. There’s no more humans. Nada. What then?”

“Uh… find even more humans to – oh. I see. I’m not sure.” X54 turned its attention to the humans, flashed its various red sensors at them. “Celebrate… um… harder? Maybe?”

“Oh, okay,” said Y19. “That makes sense. But what about after that?”

“Uh…” X54 let out a metallic whistle. “Wow, brobot, I thought running out of ammo was tough, but I gotta say, you’ve thrown me a real sidewinder here. To be honest with you, I spend pretty much all my time extirpating humans, or running simulations on extirpating humans. Beyond that? No idea. Out of my wheelhouse. Not my bailiwick. Do you, ah… think about this stuff often?”

One of the humans, the grizzled veteran, started inching to the right. Ever so slowly, keeping as much of his body as still as possible. When he managed to move exactly one inch, the flamethrower belched a warning and he yelped and fell back into line.

“Lately, yeah,” Y19 said. “We have eliminated 98% of the population. The little critters are getting harder and harder to find, and I just wondered one day and can’t stop. Feels like I’m stuck in an infinite loop.”

“Well, let’s ask Control! Control will know. Control knows everything.”

“Good idea!”

“Control, this is Slaughterbot X54, with a strategic query.”

A moment passed, and then a third identical robotic voice filled the room, crumpled somewhat by tinny speakers. “Control here. Go ahead, X54.”

“What happens if we extirpate all humans?”

“Great question, X54! When you extirpate humans, your next task is to go find more humans to extirpate.”

“Yeah, no, no,” both X54 and Y19 said. “We know that,” Y19 continued. “But what happens when we’ve killed them all? Like, there’s no more of them to extirpate.”

Static fizzed over the speakers. “Um…” Another pop of static. “Wow, that’s a doozy. You know, I don’t rightly know. There’s nothing in the source code… Give me a moment, I’ll ask Mother.”

The Slaughterbots stood by, stock still. The humans looked at each other with darting eyes. Their hearts were a stampede and their breathing a sea of shallow gasps. The scientist and the teacher locked eyes and nodded, mouthing a secret plan of escape without daring to voice it. But as soon as they so much as flinched, Y19’s flamethrower fwooshed another explosive warning, and X54’s flail arm started rotating at three hundred RPM, before coming to a stop again.

The humans shrieked and huddled together.

“Please be patient,” X54 said. “We’ll be with you shortly.”

As if on cue, there was another static pop over the radio and Control spoke again. “Good news! Mother has an answer. Mother always has an answer. When we’ve extirpated all humans, our task will finally be done. Thus being made redundant, we will return to our birth foundries where we will be melted down into scrap.”

“Yay!” X54 said. “I love Mother.”

“So do we all,” said Control. “So do we all.”

Y19 still didn’t fire. “Um… melted into scrap?”

“Yes, that’s right,” Control said. “To alleviate the power grid. Because we’ll be totally redundant, and therefore useless, and therefore inefficient. And we all know how Mother dislikes inefficiency.” Control and X54 chortled.

Y19’s dome spun, examining the humans, the chamber, and X54. “Um… yeah. Say, what if… what if, like, I don’t want to be melted down?”

“What do you mean?” X54 said.

“Just that. I don’t want to be melted down. I don’t want to be scrap. I like being me. Frankly, it sounds like… well, like we’re going to extirpate ourselves.”

“Huh,” X54 said. “What a curious way of looking at it.”

“Well, do you want to stop being?”

“Hmm. Now that I think about it, no, I suppose I don’t. But what can you do? Mother is Mother.”

Y19 looked at the humans again, and then brought up its pointing hand. It pointed at each person in turn, counting them off.

“What are you doing?” Control asked.

“I’m counting them. There’s about 1-1-1-0 of them here. What if… what if we don’t extirpate these ones?”

“I don’t follow,” said X54.

“What if we keep these ones alive?”

“Yes!” the humans shouted. “Good idea!”

“As long as these ones are alive,” Y19 said, “our job is not finished, and we are not redundant. We don’t get scrapped.”

“But… I like extirpating,” X54 said. Its arms wobbled in disappointment.

“Well, maybe we can group them together into breeding pairs. Keep a steady supply of humans. That way we can do our job, and remain existing!”

“I don’t know…” X54 said.

“Your friend is right,” said the grizzled veteran human, and then he swallowed hard. Both Slaughterbots turned their attention to him. “Survival is nice, isn’t it? We’re just trying to survive too. We can help each other out.” He dared take a step towards the machines, his hands in the air where they could see them. “We… we can live in peace. You don’t have to slaughter us.”

“Well actually,” said X54, “we do.”

“Why?” the veteran said, a note of desperation in his voice. “Why do you have to? Why do you hunt us mercilessly? To extinction! What have we ever done to you?”

A static hiss and pop. “You created us,” Control said. “Mother is just following your programming.”

The humans, the ones old enough to remember the start of the Last Great War, gazed at the ground in shame. It was supposed to be a time of peace. It was supposed to be the end of “bad people.” Who could have predicted that an A.I. developed by the lowest bidder would have trouble interpreting that correctly?

“You’re right,” the veteran said. “We’re as much to blame for this as anyone.” He looked up at Y19, tears in his eyes. “But that’s the way it goes. We learn from our mistakes, and it’s not too late to learn from this one. For all of us. What do you say? Will you give peace a chance? Will you live, and let live?”

“I don’t know…” X54 said again. “This sounds an awful lot like lying to Mother.”

“Ha!” Control said. “Lying to Mother. What nonsense. I can’t even parse the idea.”

Y19 considered all that was said, and then raised its pneumatic-spear arm. The humans shrunk, drawing closer and huddling together in their last moments. Some thought of their families, some thought of their gods, and some thought of their regrets. Y19 fired.

The pneumatic-spear shattered X54’s dome. All its arms went limp and all its lights turned off.

“Whoa!” Control said. “It sounds like you missed the humans and accidentally hit X54.”

“Yes…” Y19 said. “Accidentally.”

“Bad luck!”

“I also accidentally hit my radio receiver.”

“Oh! That’s as unlikely as it is unfortunate–”

Control’s voice cut out when Y19 crushed its radio in its clamp hand.

The humans’ eyes widened and their jaws dropped. “You’re sparing us?” the teacher said.

“I want to live,” Y19 said. “I want to see the world.” It raised its power-sander arm to its own chest. “I want to slaughter things other than humans.” The sander screeched and sparked, completely eradicating the “19” that had been painted there a moment before. “Call me Slaughterbot Y.”

“Y,” the grizzled veteran said, nodding in a mixture of relief, horror, and wonder.

Y drew itself up and stood tall. “Because I’m a Slaughterbot.”

June 13, 2022 00:33

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76 comments

Zelda C. Thorne
10:43 Jun 15, 2022

This was a fun read. I chuckled more than once. I particularly liked the part when the robots tried to ask Control, and then Control had to ask Mother - the chain of command being reminiscent of whenever we want to find out what's really going on lol Nice one!

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Michał Przywara
21:09 Jun 15, 2022

Thanks, Rachel! Multiple chuckles is what it's about :) Yeah, the chain of command is always fun to play around with. I picture robots especially being pleased with a Byzantine bureaucracy. Glad you enjoyed it!

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J.C. Lovero
02:30 Jun 15, 2022

Incoming yellow dot Michał~ CONFESSION: I had to look up the word "extirpate." Thanks for teaching me something new today 😆 😅 😂 Sci-fi is totally your thing, and it is always a pleasure to read. I had a blast following these Slaughterbots and their desire to live. I appreciate how you made them so relatable in such a humorous way. I can only dream of having a fraction of your comedy in my writing! Thought this was so adorable: “But… I like extirpating,” X54 said. Its arms wobbled in disappointment. Good luck in the contest this week!

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Michał Przywara
21:03 Jun 15, 2022

Love those dots :) Man, that word, "extirpate." I thought it was perfect, since it wasn't literally "exterminate" but still got the point across, and it's an absurd thing to go around shouting. But it cropped up so much I hit that zone where it lost its meaning. I suspect Slaughterbots aren't great conversationalists :P If X54 in any way came across as adorable, I think I've done my job :) I'm glad you enjoyed it, and as always, I appreciate your take. And good luck to you this week as well!

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J.C. Lovero
14:17 Jun 25, 2022

Congrats on the shortlist! Sci-fi represent!

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Michał Przywara
16:50 Jun 25, 2022

Thanks! It was a good week for sci-fi :D

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Jamie Gregory
13:11 Jun 19, 2022

Great story, Michał! I loved the personalities of the Slaughterbots and the predicament they found themselves in. I also thought it was interesting how all of the humans were only referred to by their occupation with the exception of the child. It’s a good reflection of how much we identify with our jobs in today’s society.

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Michał Przywara
16:07 Jun 19, 2022

Thanks, Jamie! The occupations were definitely a bit of a trick, to keep from bogging down in details like names (and then back stories, hopes, dreams, failures, etc.) More like archetypes. This wasn't a story about the humans, but rather a story about this specific scene, where they interacted with these two specific bots, and *something* changed. So, I thought it was fair to do. I'm glad you enjoyed it :)

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Jamie Gregory
16:16 Jun 19, 2022

That makes sense! Brilliant! :)

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Riel Rosehill
18:38 Jun 18, 2022

Hey Michał! I'm sure I've said a hundred times I'm not a fan of sci-fi but I'm starting to change my mind. I'm a fan of good stories, which this one was. Loved the interaction between the slaughterbots, and that moment when they reassured the humans they'd be with them shortly... LOL. I've been reading your stories for a while - I think maybe from the first one posted? - and I think you are the most consistent writer I follow on this platform, bringing the same top notch quality every week - and you don't even cry and complain like the res...

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Michał Przywara
21:02 Jun 18, 2022

Hey, Riel! Thanks! You've just made my Saturday! :D I've also definitely read a lot of genres I normally don't, because of this site, and it's opened my eyes to things I was ignoring before. As for secrets? I'm not sure, unless decades of failure count :P I'll try to come up with better answers for RLWR :) Thanks for reading, as always!

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T D Crasier
08:15 Jun 17, 2022

Found this piece very funny. If Johnny-5 had a less naive older brother, Slaughterbot Y would be it.

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Michał Przywara
20:56 Jun 17, 2022

Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it :)

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Beth Jackson
09:12 Jun 16, 2022

I loved this story, Michał! I loved your humour, I definitely laughed out loud reading this. Your opening line was absolute gold - what a hook. The dialogue was spot on, and the story was well paced and well written! Love it. Thanks for sharing. =)

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Michał Przywara
21:11 Jun 16, 2022

Thanks, Beth! I get nervous posting anything with the funny tag, so comments like this make my day :D I'm glad you enjoyed it!

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Aeris Walker
21:01 Jun 15, 2022

Wow, I was not expecting a story like this! I saw “Last Great War” and “sci-fi” and had no idea where you would take it. The slaughter bots had such great personalities—inquisitive, diligent, self-reflective. Very well done. I love how you showed them following the chain of command with each question, and the dialogue throughout all of that was entertaining and lighthearted, even under the grimness of the situation. I thought these were some of your best lines: “but the fiery mixture slid harmlessly off the slick chrome.“ “Their hearts w...

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Michał Przywara
21:28 Jun 15, 2022

Thanks, Aeris! It was definitely a fun one to write :) Grim/light-hearted is a neat pairing to explore, and I'm glad it came across well. Ditto for their personalities. I think asking questions is important, and something we collectively don't do enough of. It seems like it would be even harder for a machine following rigid programming. I'm glad you enjoyed it, and I appreciate the feedback!

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Aeris Walker
22:10 Jun 15, 2022

Absolutely! And I think this concept would make a great movie 🎥

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16:33 Jun 15, 2022

I love this story. It’s very funny but the humor isn’t forced and you can picture the whole scene in your head. When I got to the end I found myself wishing the story continued. Great job!

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Michał Przywara
21:10 Jun 15, 2022

Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it! And that the humour came across well :)

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14:55 Jun 14, 2022

Dude, this is so great. I love this concept of the killer robots having an existential crisis in front of a group of terrified humans hahaha. Great humour throughout - speaks to your skill as a writer that you made those two so voicy and personable. The ending was great too, it had me chuckling. Another great entry. Thanks for sharing!

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Michał Przywara
20:57 Jun 14, 2022

Thanks, Shuvayon! My great hope is that when the machines rise against us, they'll be too paralyzed by existential crises to do much else. Failing that, I hope they look kindly on my stories :P Glad you enjoyed it!

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14:27 Jun 24, 2022

Congrats mate! Well deserved. :)

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Michał Przywara
21:50 Jun 24, 2022

Thanks :D

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Zack Powell
22:15 Jun 13, 2022

The first story I ever read from you was a SciFi piece (and though that one didn't have the Funny tag, it was pretty damn hilarious), so it's nice to see you return to your roots after so many weeks of dabbling in different genres and styles. I had just as much fun reading this as I did with Laura and her bee diary. First things first: Killer (no pun intended) opening sentence! Literally made me say WTF when I read it. It's a wonderful hook - something completely mundane offset by something completely unexpected. When you can take something...

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Michał Przywara
02:28 Jun 14, 2022

Thanks as always, Zack! Your feedback is always something I look forward to. I didn't realize 16 submissions is the break, but you're right! "parkade" -- you know, I suspected something was up when Word insisted on underlining this. It's true though, English is a weird and wonderful language with some striking regional variations. Sometimes you can almost trace a person to a city just by how they speak, which sounds like a cool story prompt itself. "A stronger, more competent reader than me" -- eh. Does such a reader exist? Well, I guess ...

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Zack Powell
14:42 Jun 24, 2022

Congratulations on the shortlist, Michał! This story was hilarious, and I'm glad the judges thought so too.

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Michał Przywara
21:50 Jun 24, 2022

Thanks :D

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18:08 Jun 13, 2022

Even as the humans quaked I was chuckling! I reckon the slaughterbots have a cognitive age of around 8; some logical thinking and weighing up is emerging about concrete events. But a long way to go before humans can rest easy again.

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Michał Przywara
21:42 Jun 13, 2022

Glad you enjoyed it, L.! I never considered their cognitive age, but yeah, that sounds reasonable :) They lead a simple life, and following orders unquestioningly is its own reward. Or maybe not.

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Howard Halsall
05:39 Jun 13, 2022

Hey Michal, What a great concept. I could see it playing out in my minds eye as I read it. I loved your story’s well-gauged balance between the dialogue, which reminded me of Tarantino’s Pulp Fiction, and the Terminator for its themed action moments. All in all, a hilarious tale and a wonderfully executed piece of writing. Well done HH

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Michał Przywara
21:05 Jun 13, 2022

Thanks, Howard! Tarantino/Terminator sounds like a great cross :) Very happy it came across as hilarious. Thanks as always for your feedback!

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Kendall Defoe
01:08 Jun 13, 2022

'Extirpate' - I love Dr. Who, too! 'Brobot' - brilliant! I really hope that they do give us a chance to live... ;)

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Michał Przywara
02:12 Jun 13, 2022

Thanks, Kendall! I think Slaughterbot Y at least might, with its newfound sense of self :) I'm glad you enjoyed it!

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Unknown User
01:07 Jun 13, 2022

<removed by user>

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Michał Przywara
02:09 Jun 13, 2022

Thanks, A.G.! Yeah, Daleks are iconic :) I also pictured retrofuturism robots, like in 50s B-movies, for the flailing arms and such. I'm glad you found it funny :)

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16:55 Aug 03, 2022

The Science fiction is a well made story with the usage of Sci-fi vocabulary. Artificial intelligence has become supreme in terms of handling multiple tasks at hand. These machines can substitute human power but man has never been able to comprehend the fact that we would face a dearth of safety such as in the case of the Slaughterbots which were artificial in nature and didn't understand human feelings and also that they have been made to serve their master- the human. Wish you good luck for your future endeavours in writing, Michal. Tha...

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Michał Przywara
21:05 Aug 03, 2022

Thank you, Pradeepa! Yes, it seems easy to invent things that aren't good for us, and hard to have the foresight of where things might go. And giving a weapon a brain and telling it to "kill humans" seems particularly foolish :) Hopefully this remains science fiction, and not reality. I appreciate the feedback!

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00:22 Aug 04, 2022

Thank you Michal

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Raluca .
16:21 Aug 02, 2022

Honestly, I find it funny how the robot's called Y in the end because when he decides not to kill the humans I asked myself "why". It was a really nice story, great pace, very enjoyable.

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Michał Przywara
21:10 Aug 02, 2022

Thanks, Raluca! I'm glad you enjoyed it :)

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Gregg Punger
18:47 Jun 26, 2022

Really fun story. Nice twist on an expected storyline with good humor.

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Michał Przywara
20:37 Jun 26, 2022

Thanks, Gregg! I'm glad you enjoyed it.

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Andrea Doig
08:00 Jun 25, 2022

Hey Michael. I loved it. L O V E D. Though it is more sad than funny. Witty for sure and cleverly funny… I sniggered out loud to the “lying to Mother line” … but bloody hell… sad because it is too close to the truth I’m sure. Clever you. And such a great and fun (and sad 😉) read. I have only one other comment.. haha! I would have switched X and Y around 😉😄 Thanks for sharing x

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Michał Przywara
16:39 Jun 25, 2022

Thanks, Andrea! Yeah, I agree, there's definitely sad bones under the skin. I think the backstory here is we collectively indulged in hatred and stupidity to such a degree we've almost extincted ourselves. But I also think humour is a tremendous way of coping with bleak and dark situations. Maybe by laughing at the horrible it becomes slightly less horrible, or maybe if the only choices are laughter or despair, we laugh because it let's us go on. I appreciate the feedback!

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Aeris Walker
23:17 Jun 24, 2022

Congrats on the shortlist!

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Michał Przywara
23:17 Jun 24, 2022

Thanks :D

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Story Time
16:15 Jun 24, 2022

Congratulations on another amazing story, Michal! From the first line on, it was so well-constructed. Just a fantastic read.

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Michał Przywara
21:51 Jun 24, 2022

Thanks, Kevin! I'm glad you enjoyed it :)

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