From His or Hers Blind Dating Perspectives

I’m at the age (42) where most of my male and female friends are married. Its not like I’m not ready to involve myself in a committed relationship. Its just that we haven’t found one another yet. Once you read about all the supposedly romantic dates and blind dates I willingly and unwillingly attended you’ll see exactly why I’m still single. In truth I could use a tax break if you know what I mean.

I met a woman a little younger than myself (28) online and we talked maybe ten or 13 times over the course of a couple of weeks. Then one night out of the clear blue sky she texts and asks if she could come over with a bottle of wine. I say sure since she seemed pretty cool when we skype and face time together. She turns up half an hour later with an open gallon bottle of wine she has half emptied already. She finishes that off within 10 minutes and I open a fifth of 190 Proof Vodka, in which she downs right from the bottle in another half an hour. She passes out in my bed, waking up occasionally talking crazy and trying to kiss me and my Great Dane Caesar. She then pees and number 2’s in my bed and doesn't wake up for 3 hours. She’s looking around my apartment as if someone purposely dropped her off in the twilight zone. The first thing she asked me after saying who the hell are you is do you have a drink of any kind. She falls out of the soaked covered and stinking bed to the floor. Somehow she gets herself up and heads for the bar I have set up in the living room area.

When she grabbed for the bottle of 1949 Domaine Leroy Musigny 750mL ($5,500). I was saving for my honeymoon night. I grabbed her purse and placed a bottle of Linguist Estates Muscat Canelli ($5.50) wine in her purse, handed her, her car keys in both of those shaky hands and escorted her and her drunken self to the front door. Needless to say I never heard from Rhonda the lush ever again. She disappeared completely from the internet.

Drinking triple shots of gin at my favorite local watering hole when suddenly I noticed the place had a new female bartender. So I start making a bit of semi drunken conversation and much to my surprise, we seem to really hit it off. She starts hinting at, if I'm seeing anyone and I say no and she immediately reaches into her apron pocket and starts writing something down. On top is the number at what looked like an apartment and then she said these are the directions. We're having a party on Wednesday night and you should come.

Wednesday comes and I'm dressed up and ready to impress. I head over to her place, knock on the door and there she is, looking amazing. She smiles and hugs me, grabs me by the hand and drags me through the party until she gets to this big bearded dude. Barry, this is my roommate Jeff. Jeff, this is Barry. "I do the whole pleasantry thing, but when I turn around, she's gone. I mean, poof. Gone. Like Antman or the invisible man. Not knowing anyone else, I just keep on talking to Jeff. Seems like a good guy. Suddenly he stops me in mid-sentence and says, 'You're not gay, are you?' Bartender woman had apparently set up the entire part as an excuse to hook me up with her roommate. I had been on a blind date with a dude and didn't even know it. After about several drinks of top shelf-scotch at the party I found myself waking up in the local police drunk tank.

When I went back to the bar, after paying a find and receiving 100 hours of community service to ask Sheila the bar tender, what could have possibly happen at her party? She no longer worked there. Rumor had it that some drunk dude broke her jaw wired shut.

Lastly, I was living in Florida, teaching (ABE) Adult Basic Education. I don’t generally get attracted to my students but there was something about Mary Langenburg. We decided to meet near a train station (we lived close by) and go into town for coffee and to kick it. She tells me that she will be wearing a bullet proof helmet for some strange reason. I tell her I'll be wearing a red Kangaroo hat for another strange reason.

I see her rolling up on this bright green moped. She sees me, we lock eyes and smile and wave. She then runs smack dead into an SUV in front of 100s of people at this busy train station. I kinda jog up to see if she's ok, but she picks up her moped looking all embarrassed and just rides off. Never heard from her again. I guess you won’t be hearing about me embarrassing myself at my bachelor party anytime soon.

I just turned 33 years of age, last week.

I got to thinking about how many baby making years to I have left. That biological clock doesn’t have a long shelf life. I’ve tried on numerous occasion to find my better half only to find losers. My best friend Kaye Weatherspoon set me up on a blind date. He finally arrived 12 minutes late and complained that he wasn't feeling all that great, but Svetozar decided to meet up with me anyway. We met at a sleazy Russian beer bar. He was somewhat handsome in a Charles Bronson looking way, fun and totally into me. He loudly stated that he felt a gas pain and leaned forward slightly to quietly relieve the pressure. He completely and explosively pooped. The odor was immediate. He excused himself to the bathroom, but the damage was too great. He walked out of the bathroom, muddy-panted, out of the bar. The next day my ex friend Kaye tried telling that Svetozar was recovering from E. Coli.

One time I got set up with a guy who literally watched me eat a full course meal and only got water. I begged him to order something, I would even pay (he said that he (purposely forgot his wallet) but it was so weird him watching me eat, especially the artichokes. After the whole awkward mess, I told the girl who set us up how it went. She promptly responded. Yeah, I wouldn't have gone on a date with that strange loving to watch women eat, cheapskate dude myself. And honestly Veronica, I'm surprised I convinced you to go. Two days later the police found her knocked out in the hallway by her front door. There was an anonymous red sticky note attached to her forehead that read: Watch who you set up on a blind date in the near and not so distant future.

Now you can see why I’m single and still in search of the big white house and picket fence.

I had a date with some guy I had been chatting with and we agreed to meet at a pool hall.  I got there 12 minutes early and sat down at a booth and texted him that I was there and he just said silly woman didn’t I tell you to message me when you were on your way over. And I was like 'Sorry I forgot, but I'm here right now if you want to head over. This dude must have thought he was talking to one of his baby mama’s until I read him the riot act of my mind. I guess he didn’t check my record because I was known for tasing disrespectful blind dates.

I went out with a guy who talked about his mother literally the entire time. I knew her favorite foods, movies, where she went to college, how she makes her spaghetti sauce, you name it I heard it. At one point I suggested he date his mom since no other person could compare to her. He looks at me almost like he's contemplating it and I look at him like he's psychotic and he yells at me and says that anyone who is half the woman his mother is should get down on their knees and thank God for their blessing.

Two years later it was all in the newspaper and broadcast news that my mother talking about date kills his father from suffering from something called the Oedipus complex.

Lastly, why I’m still single. I was set up on another blind date by a friend when I was 30. The handsome guy took me to the movies (at the mall) and awkwardly tried to make out. He was 41 going on 16. Then we sat in the food court and he asked my honest opinion of him, which I mumbled something typical like you seem nice. Without invitation, he then delved into what he thought of me, which was attractive but could be really hot if I lost 5 -10 lbs.

Then he left me for a bit, which was weird and returned with a precarious gift.  A creepy mannequin who looked just like Elaine from the Seinfeld tv show. My broter beat him up in the mall bathroom.

It’ll probably be a long time before I’ll be strutting down any marriage aisle.