Starry regrets

The stars were her greatest friends and her greatest enemies at a time. For they provided comfort in the darkest of nights but for all the comfort they gave they also hurt her just the same. For they reminded her of everything that happened. They reminded her of everything she has lost. Everything she had had and hated.

Everything from the smallest thing to the biggest pain.

Gazing upon them she couldn't help but ache for the lost time. Lost everything.

It wasn't the type of ache you got after a few tumbles and scratches. Or even the type of you've got after a bad fall. It was the type of ache that only grew as time passed. The type of ache that was deep and old. The type of ache that was icy to the touch. The type of ache that sucked everything in and still wasn't satisfied.

Laying upon this field, this field that had a bigger history than the entirety of China and just existed outside of people's scope of understanding. The very same field that had the best view of the night sky. The very same field on which she couldn't help but wonder the thing we humans always wonder.

What if it went differently?

A double-edged blade, he called it, and she laughed. She always did at his little yaps of wisdom as he called it. And boy were they yaps, but usually not of wisdom

She closed her eyes painstakingly slow. To another viewer, it might have looked like she was about to embrace the lull of sleep but in truth, she closed her eyes to stop the oncoming tears that were threatening to expose her sorrows to the night sky.

But except that only one thought remained.

About this damned field. This damned field she was in. She should have left a long time ago but no. She stayed. And now she is cutting herself with this question. But the fact was she was just reopening the same wound again and again and again. Burying herself in the question with no answer known to her. Just asking and asking and having different versions play out in her head as per usual. Never quite right and always so wrong, but still she asked herself, her heart, and the universe

What if it all went differently?

And despite her closed eyes, she couldn't have stopped the stream of angry tears rushing out. Her fists closed so forcefully that they were akin to a white sheet of paper, even in dark. Her teeth clenched as if she is physically stopping herself from screaming and screaming into the endless sky before her. As if the sky is would comfort her.

And her tears, streaming down her face, painting her face and eyes reddish color.

Why? It always came back to that in these little moments of hers. Why was it the way it was? Why had it gone the way it did? Why did she do it?

Why didn't she do it?

And yet always simply, why?

She didn't know the answer to these questions. Her mind might scream that it was because she was foolish, dumb, or perhaps immature or not knowledgable enough. It may be that, but not in its entirety. She supposed she will never truly know,

Because with all the cards laid down she knew. She knew that she would always blame herself.

Don't blame yourself, a distinct voice contradicted her previous thoughts in her head. More of a memory than an apparition.

But how couldn't she do that because all evidence pointed at her, even the smallest ones? Why shouldn't she? In terms of everything, she deserved to be blamed!

Wasn't she?

Hastily wiping the tears away with her sleeve she looked around in the field. Looking anywhere but the night sky that seemed to hold so much of her life in its abyss.

The field that she was in.

The grass was only starting to grow back but still in the distance she could see the burned trees, it seemed they were looking at her hauntingly, judgingly, hatefully. Not a sign of life in the former lively woods. Not a sound of crickets or howling of the owls and wolves.

Dead. It was dead.

She almost chuckled. The forest. Or what was left of it. Was always in tune with her. Whether it be as a child, a teen, an adult. A mess.

Though the latter was recent.

As a child running and laughing through the woods it seemed as life sprang to its feet. As if the whole forest laughed with her.

When playing hide and seek it seemed to quiet all the life in it as if it was playing the game with her too.

As a teen running away from the world problems and through it, it seemed to welcome her in its comforting arms. It seemed as if every animal that passed her by understood her sorrows and that fact somehow made it a bit easier.

As an adult when she was at her lowest lows, it seemed as if the forest itself darkened even though it was sun blazing outside of it.

Even in it's destroyed state it was the same as her, and now it seemed, it hated her the very same way she hated herself. Fully, unforgettably and unforgivingly.

Sighing she looked away. Away from the forest and away from the past that haunted her so persistently.

But the past always caught up didn't it?

Because as she looked at the starry oblivion above her,

everything hit her tenfold. Why? She herself didn't know. Perhaps it was the fact that this time she noticed the forest beforehand. Or perhaps the memories kept replaying in her head like they were on a loop.

But this time she didn't cry. This time she just stared at the constellations before her gaze, the ache in her chest seemingly neverending.

She wondered yet again asking the fated yet dreadful question, what if it had gone differently?

And the old ache settled in her chest like it was finally home. It left a bitter taste on her tongue. Yet it was overshadowed by a myriad of other emotions she couldn't comprehend. And yet again, she couldn't help but wonder, had the stars above her felt the same, even if it was seemingly eons ago.