April Fool

Justin's been waiting all year for today.

When he hears his mother's car pull into the garage, he rushes to the door.

"Did you get them, mom? Did you?"

"Yes, Justin, I got them," Ginny said, and she sets two bags of groceries on the kitchen table.

Justin turns his attention to the bags, rummages through their contents, and pulls out two produce bags along with a bag of caramel pieces. "Super cool. Thanks, mom."

"You're welcome, although I don't know what you want …" Ginny's interrupted by her phone. "Hi Patsy, yes, it's still on." Ginny's voice trails off as she walks into the living room.

Justin opens the produce bags, lays their contents on the kitchen counter, and pulls up Pinterest on his IPad. He types Caramel Apples and scrolls through the recipes until he finds the one he wants.

Julian washes the apples to get rid of the waxy coating (caramel won't stick to wax) and places them on the table to dry. He runs to his room, takes out the popsicle sticks he's been saving from the top drawer of his desk, and races back to the kitchen. He inserts the sticks into the apples and yells, "Mom, where's the parchment paper?"

"The what?" Ginny walks into the kitchen with the phone glued to her ear.

"You know, the parchment paper. You said we had some."

"Hold on, Patsy, I need to get something for Justin." Ginny opens a cabinet, pulls out a roll of paper, and hands it to Julian. "Anything else?"

"Nope, I'm good for now."

Justin lines a cookie sheet with the paper, takes a one-quart cooking pot from the cabinet, and pours in the caramel pieces. He turns the burner on low, per Pinterest's instructions, and waits. Within minutes the pieces turn into a semi-thick paste. Justin grabs a popsicle stick, slowly twirls the apple in the sweet-smelling caramel, and places it on the parchment paper to harden. Twenty minutes later, Justin's finished. He wraps each apple in a different color paper, ties it with a white ribbon, and lays it in a white cardboard box.

"Okay, Mom, I'm through. The kitchen's, yours. I'm going over to Charlie's."

"Be back for dinner," his mother yells.

"I will," Justin yells back." He grabs the box, jumps on his bicycle, and heads for Charlie's.

***

Charlie's working on his bike when Justin rides up. "Are they finished?"

"Right here." Justin pats the box strapped to the bike's frame.

Charlie takes the box, looks inside, and sees twelve caramel apples. "Which ones are which?"

"I don't know."

"Oh, great!" Charlie hands the box back and applies the finishing touches to a reluctant bolt.

Justin studies the box. It looks naked. "Do you think we should write something?"

Charlie's picking up his tools. "Like what?"

"I don't know, maybe something like—Hands off! This means you."

Charlie places the wrenches in his toolbox. "How about taking a softer approach. FREE Caramel App… We can blur out the rest of the word and let their minds do the rest."

"I like it," Justin said.

***

The following morning Justin and Charlie arrive at school a half-hour earlier than usual and head for the teacher's lounge. As Justin hoped, it's empty.

"Keep watch while I put the box in the fridge," Justin said as he walks to the refrigerator, opens the door, and places the box on an empty shelf. He's closing the door when he hears Charlie whistle. He races out of the room seconds before Butch (Hard-ass) Blackburn and Taylor (No-neck) Wilson, the two most disliked teachers in the school, enter the lounge.

Justin and Charlie make a sharp u-turn, head back to the lounge, and peer around the doorframe.

No-neck drops his briefcase on the table, opens the fridge, and stops when he sees the box. "Hey Butch, take a look at this."

"What?"

No-neck takes the box out of the fridge and sets it on the table. "I'm not sure, but it looks like a box of Free caramel apples."

"Open it and see."

Sure enough, the box contains twelve round objects on popsicle sticks.

"Better be careful," Butch said. "Remember, it's April first. You don't want to be the butt of an April Fool's joke, do you?"

"No, but those apples look awfully good." Reluctantly, No-neck picks up the box and heads back to the fridge.

Justin's face drops, then brightens when he hears No-neck say, "I'll take the chance." He sets the box back on the table, pulls out an apple, rips off the wrapping, and bites down. "Hmmm, good." When No-neck finishes chewing he said, "So much for an April Fool's joke. You should try one."

Hard-ass doesn't seem convinced. He hesitates a minute before the mouth-watering aroma of caramel overcomes his better judgment. He grabs an apple, rips off the wrapping, chomps down, and…starts howling like a banshee in heat. 

No-neck's eyes go wide. "What's wrong?"

"Shit!" Hard-ass yells as he sprints across the floor, spitting out pieces of caramel onion, and sticks his head under the faucet.

"Gotcha," Justin whispers. "April Fool."

No-neck breaks out laughing when he sees Hard-ass bending over the sink, dousing his mouth with water.

Hard-ass sputters, "If I catch the son-of-a-bitch that did that, I'll nail his ass to the wall."

No-neck walks over, puts his arm around his friend's shoulder, and said, "Hey, calm down. Maybe we can have some fun with this."

Hard-ass grabs a paper towel and wipes his mouth. "What do you have in mind?"

"The other teachers. What if we assume the box has more 'April Fool' apples and leave it on the table? When our colleagues start coming in and asking about the apples, we'll tell them we've each had one and didn't want to be greedy."

"What happens if somebody gets pissed?"

"I saw a movie once (I don't remember its name) where a wife catches her husband cheating. He and his girlfriend calmly get out of bed and get dressed. The girlfriend leaves, the man ignores his wife and goes on doing what he would normally do. By the time the scene ends, the wife is questioning her sanity. The theme of the skit was Deny! Deny! Deny! We'll do the same if there's another 'April Fool' apple."

A devious smile parts No-neck's lips. "I like it. I like it."

They sit down and wait for their first victim.

***

"May I help you, young gentlemen?"

Justin spins around and comes nose to the drooping bust of Ms. Marion C. Butterworth. The school principal. Students refer to her as 'Butter-butt.

"N-No, Ms. Butter-bu… I mean Butterworth. Charlie dropped his books, and I'm helping pick them up."

"When you finish, you better be on your way. Classes start in a few minutes."

"Yes, Ma'am." Justin and Charlie say in unison. They start to leave, but when Justin looks back, he sees Ms. Butterworth walking into the lounge. It's too good an opportunity for Justin to pass up. He back peddles to the door and peers into the room. Butter-butt is standing next to the table, pointing at the box. Butch and No-neck shrug their shoulders. Butter-butt opens the box and takes out a purple wrapped apple.

Justin hears her say, "I'll save this to eat with my lunch. If you find out who left the apples, tell them I said thanks."

***

Justin's and Charlie's morning classes pass without incident, but they hear their names called over the loudspeaker during lunch. "Will Julian Fredericks and Charlie Carlson, please report to the principal's office."

Charlie goes white and stares at Julian, who's biting into a cheeseburger. "You don't think somebody squealed, do you?"

"Who could squeal? We're the only ones who know about the April Fool apples."

Five minutes later, Justin and Charlie are ushered into Ms. Butterworth's office. Sitting on her desk, in plain sight, is an 'April Fool's apple. Ms. Butterworth points to the apple with fire in her eyes. "What do you two know about that?"

"What is it?" Justin said.

"An onion, disguised as a caramel apple."

Charlie looks at the onion and sees a sizable chunk missing. "Why would we know anything about that?"

"Because I caught you two peeking into the teacher's lounge right after Mr. Blackburn let out that blood-curdling shriek."

"We plead the 5th," Justin said.

"Fair enough. Then I'm going to suspend you both for a week." 

Tears form at the corners of Charlie's eyes. "Is-is there a second option?"

"Actually, there is," Ms. Butterworth said. She lifts the apple box off the floor and places it on her desk.

"You can sample the rest of the apples."

Justin stares at the box. "Can Charlie and I have a couple of minutes in private?"

"I don't see why not," Ms. Butterworth said as she gets up and shuffles from the office.

Justin slumps in his chair. "Damn, and double damn."

"How many April Fool apples did you make?"

"Three. Why?"

"I'm not sure, but if we count the one's No-neck and Butter-butt bit into, it means there is only one left."

"Meaning what?"

"That only one of us will get the April Fool's apple. It's better than getting suspended."

"I'm not so sure. Have you ever bitten into an onion?"

Justin gets up and goes to Ms. Butterworth's desk.

"What are you doing?"

"I want to see how many apples are left. Maybe one of the other teachers took one and got the last April Fool's apple. Justin opens the box. Damn!"

"What's wrong?"

"There's still nine apples."

"Then one April Fool's apple still in there."

"It looks like it." When Justin hears the door opening, he closes the box and hurries to his seat.

No-neck and Hard-ass follow Ms. Butterworth into the office. "Well, have you decided?"

Justin looks at the two new arrivals. "How many weeks detention did you say we'd get?"

"I said one, but Mr. Blackburn thinks it should be two."

Charlie grabs his heart. "Two weeks detention! My father will kill me. I vote for the apple tasting."

Ms. Butterworth sits behind her desk, steeples her chubby fingers, and stares at Justin. He doesn't have the same worry as Justin but knows he'll be grounded for a month.

"Well, Justin?" Hard-ass said. "What's it going to be? Suspension or the apples?"

"Can I have more time to decide?"

"No," Ms. Butterworth snaps. "You have one minute to make up your mind. Then I'm going to suspend you."

Onion breath or detention? Neither seems appealing. What Justin had been looking forward to all year is ending up biting him in the ass.

Ms. Butterworth looks at her phone. Thirty seconds."

'Alright, alright. I'll taste the darn apples."

Ms. Butterworth opens the box. "Good choice. Who wants to go first?"

"I have a better idea," Hard-ass said. "Let's have them both sample an apple on the count of three."

Sweat breaks out on Charlie's and Justin's foreheads as they reach for an apple. Justin chooses red, Charlie green. They unwrap the apples with trembling fingers and wait for Ms. Butterworth to begin the countdown.

"One…two…three…bite."

Justin and Charlie chomp down, leap up and race for the water fountains.

Justin hears Hard-ass, No-neck, and Ms. Butterworth laughing and shouting, "April Fool!" as he gulps water.

When Justin and Charlie return to their seats, spitting out pieces of onion, Julian's forehead is knitted in a frown. "But-but, there should have only been one April Fool's apple left."

"So, you admit it was you who left the apples," Ms. Butterworth said.

"Yea," Julian mutters. "It was my idea. Charlie just went along for the ride. "But why did...?"

Ms. Butterworth finishes the question ...you both get onions?" 

"Because I had the cooks in the cafeteria replace the apples with onions."