The Job Interview

“Good morning. Is it morning?”

“I think it’s just past noon, sir.”

“Yes, yes of course—it’s easy to lose track of time—no windows in this whole building. Can’t tell if its day or night.”

“I understand, sir. And… before we get started let me say thank you for scheduling me for this interview.”

“You are very welcome, Miss…Poor?? POOR?! Is that really your last name?”

“Uh, yeah. It’s the name I was born with.”

“Ha ha ha! How unfortunate. But I guess if you truly are ‘Poor’ you definitely need this job! Ha, ha!”

“I, well as I said, thank you for the interview, Mr. Brisk, is it?”

"Oh no. Sorry, Mr. Brisk is the one that scheduled the job interview with you Miss Poor but uh he, well he died.”

“My goodness! I am very sorry to hear that. We could have rescheduled if this is too soon.”

“No, no! We are like a well-oiled machine here at Eternal LLC, Miss Poor! You will find that you can set your clock by our office appointments!”

“Alright, well punctuality is an asset in any business I suppose. I do hope that Mr. Brisk’s… departure…hasn’t been too hard on the company.”

“Oh no! No! We already had someone to replace him. We all knew he was going to die…he’d been talking about it for years.”

“He what? He had been talking about dying for years?”

“Yes, matter of fact, it was all he could he talk about for the last few months. Personally, I got sick of hearing it."

“Was he, was he ill?”

“Mmm? Oh no, just very unhappy.”

“Unhappy? So, it was a suici--?”

“I am terribly sorry Miss Poore! This is hardly an appropriate subject for a job interview. Let’s start over. My name is Mr. Lyre, and if you’d like, we can conduct the interview in the conference room, right through this doorway.”

“Great! I have been looking forward to this interview Mr. Lyre! I was so glad to hear from you, er, I mean Mr. Brisk, uh, I mean the company, I was glad to hear from the company to schedule an interview with me so soon!”

“Well, your résumé is damned impressive Miss Poor and I think you will be just what this place needs. Now, you can just stand over there.”

“Stand?”

“Yep, just there at the end of the conference table.”

“Oh, okay, so is this kind of like a standing table?”

“Well, yes, Miss Poor. And we all have standing desks! In fact, there are no chairs or benches in the entire building.”

“I’m sorry, but I thought this was a clerical data entry position. I…well…I certainly don’t mind standing but eight hours is a long time to be on one’s feet, Mr. Lyre.”

“I completely understand Miss Poor! It’s just that some middle-manager read a study a couple of years ago that said sitting was bad for the health and standing was actually healthier, so they took all the chairs out of the building and now we all stand. You know how it is. Some guy with a little authority gets a wild hair that he’s going to be an office revolutionary and everyone else has to fall in line.”

“I do understand Mr. Lyre, but---”

“Listen Miss Poor. I know where you’re coming from and the good news is that a lot of employees have complained to the human resources. I mean a LOT! Between you and me and the wall, this policy is on it’s way out and we should have our chairs back by Christmas!”

“Well, Christmas isn’t that far away.”

“Right! And, well, the toilets are still the ‘sit-down’ kind if you know what I mean. You know sometimes, when I’m standing at my desk and my back starts bothering me, I head down to the restroom, take a load off and have myself a thirty, forty-five minute ‘bowel movement’, if you know what I mean.”

“I do! Mr. Lyre, and I…well I don’t think we need to discuss it further!”

“So, the ‘no chairs’ thing, it’s not a deal breaker Miss Poor?”

“Well, considering the salary there are very few things that would be actual deal breakers for this job Mr. Lyre. I wanted to ask if it was a misprint in the ad. Is it really ten-thousand dollars a month for simple data entry?”

“That is no misprint Miss Poor, that is one-hundred percent, correct?”

“Mr. Lyre, that seems like a lot for simple data entry.”

“It is a lot but Eternal LLC is a very successful company, and data entry is all we do.”

“Really? I didn’t know that! I guess I just assumed that maybe you had some type of accounting or possibly consulting services.”

“Nope! We do data entry and that is it. We do it for, well the whole world, really.”

“Data entry for the whole world? That is impressive! What type of data are you working with here?”

“Type of data?”

“Yes, Mr. Lyre, I am just curious.”

“Well, the type of data is…uh…you know… just letters and numbers.”

“Letters and numbers?”

“Mostly…mostly letters. And sometimes slashes for, you know, when we type in a date.”

“I guess that doesn’t sound too complicated.”

“Exactly Miss Poor! It’s not complicated at all and I’m telling you this is a great place to work! Ten-thousand dollars a month, great benefits and free lunch! What’s not to like?”

 “Free lunch? Well, that wasn’t mentioned in the ad. Is it like, a lunch voucher?”

“Oh no, we have a cafeteria here. It was the CEO's idea, Enid Eternal. See, people were going out to lunch and they were getting back late, sometimes as much as a minute.”

“A minute late? She was mad that people were a minute late from lunch, Mr. Lyre?”

“Okay, Miss Poor. Let me level with you, Enid Eternal is a great businesswoman. But, well, she is also a witch.”

“So, I am guessing that employees are not to leave for lunch?”

“And you would guess correct, Miss Poor. The cafeteria was set up as a kind of compromise, providing a free meal to the employees on-site so that they wouldn’t feel the need to leave for their lunch break.”

“Well, I suppose I can understand that. Is it pretty good?”

“Is what pretty good?”

“The cafeteria, Mr. Lyre, how is the food?”

“Uh…well…the thing is that Enid is kind of a low-carb freak and so, the cafeteria meals, they…they reflect that. I’m not saying it’s bad, I’m just saying it’s not for everyone.”

“I understand. I have been trying to cut back on starches and breads myself, Mr. Lyre.”

“Oh, it’s not just starches and breads. Enid only really eats rare steak and raw squid and that’s all the cafeteria serves.”

“Rare steak and raw squid? Mr. Lyre?”

“Yes, when they’re…when they’re not out of steak. And they do run out of steak a lot, so then, it’s just squid.”

“Raw squid, you said sir.”

“Yeah, raw…squid.”

“Well, I hope that there is no rule against bringing one’s own lunch, I generally just eat a sandwich every day.”

“Oh no, no, no, no Miss Poor. Noooooo bringing lunch. That is Enid’s rule for everyone. Especially not a sandwich!!”

“Why 'especially' not a sandwich, Mr. Lyre?”

“As I said, Miss Poor, Enid follows the low-carb uh...you know…squid thing…uh diet and uh, sandwiches have bread! So no, no, no. I mean Enid, hates bread and she can literally smell it as soon as it comes into the building…. just uh no.”

“Seriously? This building is practically a skyscraper, Mr. Lyre. And you expect me to believe that she can smell a piece of bread?”

“I told you Enid is... it’s against the rules, okay? Just don’t…. don’t bring your lunch.”

“Or what? Mr. Lyre?! Maybe now would be a good time for us to talk about what type of disciplinary action is used by the management here.”

“Meetings, Miss Poor.”

“Meetings about what?”

“Nothing, Miss Poor, if you break the rules here, they force you to sit through meetings, meetings, meetings, endless meetings. And I do mean endless.”

“Endless? As in eternal Mr. Lyre? Surely not.”

“Okay, okay not endless exactly, but they last a long, long time!”

“How long?”

“Miss Poor, please I…”

“No Mr. Lyre. You tell me that this place punishes people with these prolonged pointless meetings, I think that I, as a prospective employee, have the right to know…”

“The longest one I have ever attended was five years.”

“Excuse me, did you say five? Five years?”

“Yes, Miss Poor, five years.”

“A five-year meeting.”

“Give or take a few days.”

“You know, I don’t appreciate being the butt of jokes Mr. Lyre! I got up very early this morning to get ready for this interview.”

“Miss Poor.”

“It took me an hour to find decent parking!”

“Miss Poor, please I…”

And I nearly tripped as I left the parking garage!”

“Miss Poor, I…”

“Then the wind started blowing so that by the time I got here I was freezing!”

“Miss Poor, I didn’t…”

“Shut up! Mr. Lyre!! I have heard quite enough! I thought this was a REAL JOB INTERVIEW!!”

“Oh, but it is Miss Poor! It is!”

“Oh really?!? Well, I have been the one asking all the questions Mr. Lyre! And the answers are, to put it mildly, quite unsatisfactory if not down-right ridiculous! Do you even have any questions for me? You haven’t really asked anything that would indicate that this is a real interview.”

“I do…I do want to ask you something, Miss Poor.”

“Well, what is it?”

“When can you start?”

“Start? Mr. Lyre, even if this is a real job interview, I don’t want to work here.”

“What, why not? Is it the pay? I can probably get it to twelve-thousand month with yearly bonuses!”

“It’s not the pay, the pay is what makes this whole thing bizarre! Twelve-thousand dollars a month for data entry, no windows in the building, employees cannot sit down at their desks, the CEO is a low-carb witch with an abnormally powerful sense of smell, meetings literally last for years and employees must eat only from the company cafeteria which serves raw squid…”

“When they are out of rare steak.”

…” when they are out of rare steak. Did I miss anything Mr. Lyre?”

“No Miss Poor. Everything you have stated is accurate. I…. are you sure you won’t consider the job? I…I could get you set up with a corner office.”

“Oh Mr. Lyre, what good is a corner office in a building with no windows?”

“No good I suppose, Miss Poor.”

“I’m sorry. I just don’t think I would be happy here, no matter how much the job paid.” 

“Ohhhhh, I knew you wouldn’t take the job!”

“Are you…are you crying sir? I’m sorry, please don’t, it’s not your fault this company has all these crazy…policies.”

“You are right about that Miss Poor! It’s not my fault! I’m just a cog in this great corporate wheel of despair!!”

“Mr. Lyre, here, let me get you a tissue out of my purse, your nose is starting to drip a bit.”

“Thank you, thank you so much Miss Poor. You are very kind and you…you don’t belong in a terrible place like this.”

“Mr. Lyre, if this place is so terrible, why don’t you quit?”

“I can’t! I wish I could!”

“Sir, there are other jobs out there.”

“No Miss Poor, I don’t mean that I can’t quit because of bills or unemployment…I mean that I literally can’t quit. I have tried. I leave at five every day, I decide I’m not coming back. But every morning, I wake up back in this building.”

“Mr. Lyre, I am not sure I understand.”

“Remember when I told you that Enid Eternal is a witch?”

“Yes sir, I do.”

“Well, I wasn’t exaggerating, exactly.”

“I’m sure that she is a difficult person from everything you have told me.”

“Difficult hell! I’m telling you the woman is a witch! I ought to know, I have been working for her since 1788!”

“1788? I find that difficult to believe, sir.”

“Yes, yes. That was the year! The cursed year! I crossed paths with Enid Eternal. I was poor, you understand, I had nothing. Was a young man then, making my way across the countryside looking for odd jobs in exchange for a bit of food. I found myself passing by a damn fine-looking farm. Saw farmhands working the fields, a sweet little stone cottage at the center of it all. I made my way down the path to her front door, hungry, homeless, young and stupid. She fed me well, offered me a job for life, working for her, she said. Promised to pay me well, put me under contract.”

“What type of contract Mr. Lyre?”

“I didn’t know at the time. What could I know? I was so young and so blinded by my own poverty, I signed without even reading it. But over the years, over the years I have read it and reread it. Even the fine print. And you know what that fine print says Miss Poor? It says I was to perform “all duties as assigned, terminable only at death determined by Enid Eternal pending replacement of employee.”

“Are you saying that you have to work for her until you die Mr. Lyre?”

“I’m saying that the only escape from employment with Enid Eternal is a death that she determines. We are not allowed to die until we find a replacement to take over our job!”

“And I was supposed to be the replacement?”

“Yes, Miss Poor. I am sorry… I didn’t even place the ad. Mr. Brisk, the one that first called you, he placed the ad.”

“I see, so if he is….is no longer employed here that means…”

“Yes, he already hired someone to replace him and he got to…well leave. I guess he was desperate, he had been working for Enid since the 1600s.”

“The 1600s? How old are you Mr. Lyre?”

“I don’t rightly know, Miss Poor. I stopped counting a long time ago. I started out as a farmhand, then she opened a store, then a chain of hotels and now we have this corporation. Enid kept up her end of the bargain. I am a very rich man…but…I’m exhausted. Everyone I know and love has died. I am ready to go myself, but Enid says that if she just let people die anytime it could hurt the company’s bottom line.”

“So, you have to work for Enid Eternal until you die, but Enid doesn’t allow you to die until you find someone to replace you? That is monstrous, Mr. Lyre.”

“Yes, and as I said, I never planned on interviewing anyone. I would never try to lure anyone into this, but then I saw you with your resume and you looked so hopeful and it just seemed that an opportunity was presenting itself, I couldn’t pass it by. Please forgive me Miss Poor.”

“Of course, Mr. Lyre. Thank you for being honest. Listen, if I happen to…meet anyone who I think might actually want this job, I will send them your way.”

“Miss Poor, do you really think there are people out there who would want to work here?”

“Mr. Lyre, I have temped at several corporations, there are people who would sell their soul for this kind of pay, even with the…the strings that are attached.”

“Well, if that is true Miss Poor, here is my card. Please feel free to give it to anyone you think might be a good candidate.”

“I will do so sir.”

“And…and… well I am so sorry for breaking down. I don’t usually cry at work.”

“Don’t worry Mr. Lyre. Between you and me and the wall, as you say.”

“Miss Poor, you are very kind. And if you are continuing to look for a job after you leave here today, please feel free to use me as a reference.”

“Thank you, sir. That reminds me, I really have to go now; I do have another interview scheduled for later today.”

“I understand. Thank you for meeting with me, Miss Poor.”

“Thank you for your time, Mr. Lyre.”