Nestled and Needed

Coronavirus is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time.

Maybe I shouldn’t think that, but it’s true. I know it is terrible for millions of people elsewhere, and I know my family is very worried about everything, but they are with me and I am going to keep them safe!

Until this pandemic started, I had barely gotten to see my family. Melissa would take me for a rushed walk in the morning and then she bundled the pups off to school before going to her school to teach her students. After the sun had switched sides of the house, she would return and we would walk to the bus stop and pick up the kids. Most days we hurried home, and she would scold them to do their homework while fiddling at the stove, changing the smells in the house. I usually nudged her hand for a pet, and she usually gave me a quick one, but not the love I got when I was younger.

When I was younger, our family consisted of Melissa, Derek and I, but mostly Melissa and I as Derek was usually at work. The summers were the best! We woke up, Melissa had coffee, and I had a bowl of food. Then she would kiss Derek goodbye, and we would go out for our morning walk. We spent the day together, playing with tennis balls, tug toys, and my plush groundhog. Then we took our afternoon walk and I had another bowl or food while she made something that usually smelled delicious in the kitchen. Sometimes I was able to get tastes of the food that fell on the floor. Those were good days.

And now we have good days again, but now our family is bigger and I take turns snuggling with Melissa, Derek, Logan, and Emily. I think Emily is too young to understand what is going on, but Logan is following the news. Although he tries not to show it in front of Melissa and Derek, Logan is frightened. He reminds me of me the day Melissa brought me home. 

I had watched my siblings leave our mom with their new families, but when my turn came I was terrified. When Melissa put me in her car,  I shivered on the front seat uncontrollably. She seemed as nervous as I did, but she spoke to me soothingly, and pet me whenever the car stopped momentarily.

Eventually the car stopped and did not start again. Melissa got out and came around to my side. She picked me up and cushioned me in her arms, carrying me inside a new building where she placed me on a big, soft pillow in one corner. I huddled there shaking, but she sat next to me for a long time and eventually I calmed down. When it got dark outside, a male entered and I met Derek for the first time. That night Melissa placed me in a crate. When I whined, she reappeared with a pile of blankets and curled up outside my crate. She stuck her fingers through the holes and I nuzzled them. When her breathing slowed to a soothing pattern, mine did too and we slept.

Now I am the one comforting her. She is having nightmares. At night she gets up and brews herself a cup of tea to soothe her nerves and she talks to me about the worries she doesn’t want to share in front of the young ones. At first no one thought the pups could get sick, but now one a county over is in the hospital and Melissa is worried.

I remember when Melissa brought them home. Logan arrived three years before his sister. Melissa talked to me about the changes to our family before she disappeared for a few days, but I don’t think either of us was truly prepared. For the first few weeks it was hard for both of us. Logan woke up at all hours and so we spent every moment he wasn’t mewling for food sleeping. Melissa could barely walk. Even after two weeks we were still walking around the block rather than our two mile trek. I would sniff and lick Logan while he lay in his stroller. I could tell Melissa appreciated my welcoming him into our family. I could also tell she needed my help and understanding and I tried to give it to her. When Logan got older, I was his favorite playmate. He would ride on my back and pull my tail and my ears. Sometimes it hurt, but I tried to be as patient with him as Melissa was. When I ran out of patience, I would retreat to my crate. Usually Melissa would come and give me a special pat. I think she understood. Sometimes I think she would have liked to crawl in there with me.

I think she might want to crawl in with me now too. It feels strange to be so happy when she is so sad, but she is mine again in a way she has not been in a long time. She still gives them love and attention, but she is home all day and so I can just curl up with her, on her feet, or if Derek is in another room, on the sofa with her. And she needs me. It feels nice to be needed, but sometimes I also feel sad and helpless because I want to make it all better for her, but I can’t. I wonder if this is what it is like to be a mommy. 

I thought life with Logan was hard, but when Melissa’s belly began to grow again, things became even more complicated. When she joined us we were more prepared, but because Logan was awake, we couldn’t sleep the day away like we had when Logan kept us up at night. I tried to help by playing with Logan, and I found I liked it, even if Logan couldn’t throw the ball as far as Melissa. I didn’t get as much attention as I wanted and I saw that when the kids acted out, it drew Melissa’s attention, so sometimes I acted out too. Once I snuck out through a hole in the fence. I wanted her to chase me. And she wanted to chase me too, but she looked at Logan and Emily and then back at me helplessly. I think we both realized at the same time that she couldn’t chase me and take care of them. I think we both wanted to cry. I ran off for a little, but returned home eventually. When she saw me at the back door, she threw her arms around me and scolded me fiercely, but she wouldn’t let go for a long time and I knew that I still mattered to her.

And life has been a delicate balance since then. Emily is now old enough to play with me too, although Logan can throw the ball farther. And now that we are all home together, they are throwing it for me all the time! Logan even sneaks me food when his parents aren’t watching. Melissa is trying to maintain a semblance of routine with them, so we begin and end the day with a walk. We don’t walk as quickly as we did when it was just Melissa and I as the young ones are slower and get easily distracted, but that is okay, my joints are getting older too and I like watching their awe as they encounter scents that are old to me, but new to them. I like to see their sense of discovery at these times. They have realizations during school time too, but those are harder for me to understand and recognize. Still, I savor sitting with them while they work. Logan pats me absentmindedly, but objects if I try to move, so I know he values that time as much as I do.  When they get a break, Emily usually Facetimes her friends and they do silly things with their faces and toys. Emily likes to make me part of the show and so I frequently end up with cat ears or a baby bonnet on. Perhaps I should be offended, but I enjoy being included. And the faces on the screen seem delighted to see me too. Melissa tries to work during tranquil moments. I like the peace of her office too, at least when it stays quiet. But the pups frequently notice her missing the moment she steps out. Sometimes I try to help by distracting them with a game of tug-of-war, but they are wearing me out too. But it is a good exhaustion - the kind that makes you sleep well at night.  

Today Derek stayed home too. As a treat for Melissa he made chicken parmesan, his specialty, for dinner. It was a treat for me too because Logan snuck me most of his chicken patty. After dinner, they watched the latest on the virus while the pups checked in with their friends. I’ll be honest. I didn’t listen. Once they shut down the state, it all seemed the same. When Melissa turns off the television, I will climb to my feet, ready for our nightly walk. Until then I will nestle on Melissa’s feet, enjoying her company, knowing that she needs me as much as I need her.