Trick or Treat

It really shouldn’t be that big of a deal. Right? Trick or Treating was a tradition that was what every child wanted to do. A fun tradition! So, why was he so nervous? Sitting in front of his laptop trying to finish sorting through the last of his emails for work. He was starting to feel like he was going to throw up. His whole body was sweating but his hands were icy cold and clammy. Rubbing his hands together and blowing on them. Absentmindedly he started biting his nails. Owwww. Looking down at his now bleeding nail, maybe he needed to go get a coffee. Because coffee would help make everything better. Right? Right! Grabbing his keys off the table and closing his laptop he paused. Wait this is why he had an assistant. He sat back down.

“Andrew!” He called through the intercom. “Could you go get me a medium hot coffee black and a warm croissant?” He started fidgeting with his fidget spinner. It flew out of his hands and... 

Andrew felt himself disappearing into the past and remembering, remembering…

Five year old Andrew was walking with his older sister around the neighborhood.

He was dressed up like the hulk. She was dressed up like a faerie with pink wings. 

From house to house they walked and door after door they knocked. 

Looking around frantically and his sister is gone.

The house in front of him appears closer and closer.

The door opens and..

“Mr. Matthews! Mr. Matthews...James!” Andrew exclaimed. Shaking his shoulders roughly. James shook his head. He was on the floor under his desk, holding his knees and rocking back and forth. Trying to breathe. Just have to remember to breathe in for seven, hold breath for eight, then let it out slowly for eight. Safe. He is safe. The year is 2018. He is in Bellevue, Washington. He is twenty eight years old. He is safe. Andrew holding his hand out to James. James holds on and slowly allows himself to be helped up and sit back in his seat. He hopes Andrew doesn’t make this a big deal. He hasn’t had this happen in over a year and doesn’t want this to be made into a bigger deal than it needs to be. Getting hold of his breath.

“That will be all Andrew. You can go home for the day. Thank you.” James said. Andrew nodded his head in agreement and closed the office door behind him. Great, now he would probably have to hire another assistant. Not many people could handle him at his best and even fewer could handle him in his worst. Rubbing his temples he groaned inwardly. 

Bada Ding. His phone went off. Throwing away his coffee, wiping his hands on his jeans he just stared at his phone. He probably should wait to answer it. Wasn’t there a certain time frame you were supposed to wait before responding back to a text? Did it even matter? He was ninety-nine percent certain that he was going to scare away his potential date. Granted they had been talking now for over the past year and had met up for a reasonable amount of dates. It’s just this date was going to include his date's four year old daughter and that scared him. It’s not that he didn’t like kids but he struggled with his own childhood and didn’t like what happened to him when he would start to disassociate. Fortunately he had been able to maintain working this office job that he had created three years ago as well as had been going to consistent therapy for the past four years. It was frustrating though. Every time he seemed to be getting better, something would happen or nothing would happen and he would feel like everything around him was crumbling. Like his whole life was falling apart. He unlocked his phone and checked his text message.

“Hey babe, just wanted to check in and make sure you were doing ok? Haven’t heard from you since this morning and just wanted to say hope you are having a great day! Can’t wait to see you tomorrow! Love you!”

Why couldn’t he just be normal for Freddie? He deserved to be with someone who was stable and normal and just an all around functional human. He was a fireman, had his bachelors degree, volunteered, was divorced, had a daughter and a cat. He was sweet and nice and fortunately hadn’t witnessed him having one of his emotional break downs yet. He was so afraid of him seeing him like that and then him not loving him anymore. Sigh. He probably was going to leave him once he truly got to know him and see the darker side of him. He felt like he wasn’t good enough for him. The last time he was in a relationship and his boyfriend found out that he struggled with mental health to the extent that he did, he left. It was hard on James and going to therapy and working on himself had started making him work on his mental health and was helping him feel more positive about himself and who he was as a person. Still it was hard to begin trusting anyone again especially after trusting and falling in love with someone who was just ready to leave him at the drop of a hat. Biting his lip he looked out the window at the beautiful autumn trees and breathed in as he listened to the sound of the rain falling heavily onto the window and pavement outside. Maybe he should just not go tomorrow. 

Bada Bada Bing. Glancing over at his phone again he noticed that it was a therapy appointment reminder for later today at six p.m. Perfect timing. He definitely could use this appointment today! He hearted the message from Freddie and told himself he would message him again after his therapy appointment. He looked at the time and it was four p.m. Well now was as good a time as any to leave work. He still needed to go home and take out his golden retriever before he headed to his appointment. Maybe it would be ok. He just had to stay in the present. 

***Therapy Appointment***

“Sometimes we have to face the traumatic experiences from our past that have happened and expose them in safe places, with safe people we trust and have a good support system set in place so we can be set up for success for when we can’t catch the disassociation from happening in time. Do you have anyone in your support system?” James' therapist, Dr. Milton was asking him.

“I have you, and my dog, and my assistant Andrew…” James said. Fidgeting with his fidget spinner and biting his nails. His right leg was shaking so hard it knocked over the box of tissues on the table in front of him. Mouthing sorry to his therapist, he picked it up and put it back in the middle of the table.

“What about your boyfriend? Freddie, right? What is the role that he plays in your life?”

“Oh, he’s not my boyfriend. I mean it’s not, I just mean he’s, we, it’s complicated.”

“Ok.”

“I mean I would like us to become more but I just know that when he finds out or sees me disassociate or have a mental breakdown he is going to get scared and leave me.”

“Your feelings are valid. What happened in your last relationship was damaging and so learning how to trust again is hard work. You have been getting to know Freddie for the past year and so it seems like maybe something could blossom, but you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable which I know is hard especially because of your childhood. But just remember if you don’t open up to anyone then you are just suppressing everything and it will come out eventually in ways we don’t like. Wouldn’t you feel happier in your life if you allowed yourself to be you?”

“Yeah. Anyway though, I just..” blowing his hair off his face. “I just want someone to love me and not leave. I know I am a broken shell of a human but I am trying so hard and it’s just frustrating still struggling with my mental health even though I have been trying as hard as I have been. What was the point of starting this therapy anyway if I’m still ending up being under my desk and losing assistants when I disassociate and go back into the past. It’s so overwhelming and I just hate it! Why can’t I just close up all these feelings that I have and not feel anything?” James had started pacing organizing the books in his therapists bookshelf in alphabetical order. Dr. Milton was writing on his notepad and just staring at him. Why did he feel like he was judging him and not actually listening to him? Did he even need this therapy? Maybe he should go somewhere else. Somewhere else...Somewhere. Was that the sound of circus music playing?

Andrew felt himself disappearing into the past and remembering, remembering…

The red monster was closing the dark green front door.

Five year old Andrew sees his sister crumpled on the front stairs crying.

He holds her hand and walks home with her and she looks like a zombie.

Her faerie wings are ripped in half and some of her costume is torn.

Arriving home their dad is there angry, yelling, cursing at his sister.

She just stares like a zombie not saying anything.

He tries to get in between his sister and dad and in the process…

“James...James. Where are you right now?” Dr. Milton asked quietly.

“I was in the past and my sister and dad and the green door.”

“You are here in Bellevue, Washington. You are safe. You are twenty-eight. You are here.”

“I am here. I am in Bellevue, Washington. I am safe. I am twenty-eight. I am here.”

“Good. It’s ok James. It’s going to be ok. I know it’s hard and your feelings are valid. That’s it breathe in, hold it, now breathe out. Ok let’s schedule another appointment for next Thursday at six p.m. and we can talk about some more techniques in which you can tolerate your own distress and we can continue to work on some trauma therapy.”

***James’s Apartment***

James kept looking at his phone. He could do this. He would just text Freddie and let him know what was going on. He really wanted to go with him and his daughter trick or treating but this was too much for him. He needed to be honest and share with him what was going on even if he thought Freddie wouldn’t understand. He just had to be brave. Maybe he should call instead. He really didn’t want to blow him off though. This was rough. What was he going to do?

Knock, knock, knock.

“Hey, James it’s me. It’s Freddie.” Freddie called out.

“Oh, ok hang on!” James exclaimed. What was he doing here? When had he given Freddie his address. He glanced at the cacti plant that Freddie had sent him three months ago. Oh yeah…

He opened the door and let Freddie in. Closing and locking it behind him. Freddie turned around and looked at James. “I got you a medium black coffee and a warm croissant.” He said quietly. He walked to the kitchen and put it on the counter next to the cacti. Suddenly overwhelmed by his emotions, James started to cry and Freddie walked over and pulled him into a hug and soothed him. Freddie picked James up and sat on the couch and he just rocked James back and forth as he cried. Wiping his tears away, James sniffled and just rested his head on Freddie’s chest. All of his anxiety and worries just melted away when he was being held by Freddie. He felt like everything would actually be ok. Freddie got up and brought over the croissant and coffee and James started to relax a little bit more. He was embarrassed. 

“James, talk to me. What’s going on?” Freddie said lovingly.

“I struggle with mental health. I’ve been dissociating lately. I want to go trick or treating with you but there was some trauma from my childhood associated with that and I was afraid if I was honest with you, you would get freaked out and leave and I was having a hard time figuring out how to share all of this with you. I’m really sorry. I’ll understand if this is too much. If I am too much and you don’t want to see me anymore.” James choked out.

“I’m sorry you’ve been struggling with this all on your own. That sounds overwhelming for you to have to shoulder this all on your own. I am here for you. I am not going anywhere. I’m here if you want to share, if you want me to just hold you, and I plan on being here through the hard times and the good times. I know you’ve been hurt in the past and I know you have a hard time with trusting and getting close to people because of being abandoned and feeling not good enough. But to me baby, you will always be good enough. I love you, always.” Freddie said as James started crying again and just resting his head on his chest. Hearing his heartbeat and feeling Freddie’s hand comb through his hair. 

***Halloween Evening***

Knock, Knock, Knock. James nervously ran his fingers through his hair and opened the door.

“Hey, James this is my daughter Maddie. Maddie this is James.” Freddie said.

“Hi Maddie, I’m James nice to meet you.” James said bending down to shake her hand.

“We brought over The Corpse Bride, Frankenweenie and Star Wars!!” Freddie declared.

“And we brought over candy, popcorn, and Daddy said we could order pizza!!” Maddie laughed.

“I thought we were going to go trick or treating tonight? You don’t want to go?” James asked confused.

“Nah I want to watch movies with you and Daddy. Plus I need to make sure you are going to make my daddy happy! That’s my job!” Maddie said proudly. Both James and Freddie laughed. 

“You are very right.” James said smiling. Looking outside and breathing in the fresh air. Hearing the laughter of children and for the first time since that Halloween from so long ago, he felt happy on Halloween.