Mother always knows best

Like most of her days, Maya was woken up by a scream.

For several seconds she just lay there; her heartbeat echoing in her ears; her body cold with fear. The cries only grew louder. She got up.

A pile of dirty dishes was lying in their kitchen sink. The stove was smeared with something that looked a lot like porridge. Mother, dressed in a dressing gown that should had been thrown away ages ago, was sweeping broken glass of the floor as Eva cried her lungs out as if being tortured.

It probably said a lot that Maya wasn’t even surprised.

“What happened?” she asked.

Mother didn’t answer right away. Instead she just kept sweeping.

“What happened,” she repeated, as if mimicking. “Your child, that’s what happened. She just broke one of my favorite cups.”

‘My child? I never wanted this child. It was you who made me have her,’ Maya almost said but bit her tongue in time.

“You need any help?”

Mother sent Maya a glare as she was emptying the scoop in the bin. “What do you think? Or perhaps you think I should do everything in this goddamn house?”

Maya could still feel her judging eyes as she turned to wash the dishes instead of calming down her own daughter.

Eva kept crying. Maya didn’t know why. She didn’t care enough to ask. Eventually, her hearing became muffled but she continued scrubbing away dried food from the plates and pretending nothing of this was real. 

She couldn’t get rid of a thought all this would never had happened had she stood her ground and hadn’t listened to her mother for once in her life.

~*~

“So. Have you decided on your major yet?” Mama asked as they were drinking tea one evening.

Maya twisted a cookie in her hands. She knew this conversation was coming sooner or later; she was 16 and graduating from school in less than a year. That didn’t mean she was ready to have it just yet. “Yeah.”

Mama stared at her, expecting a further explanation; Maya avoided her gaze. Finally she grew impatient.

“And?” She raised her eyebrows, waiting. “What is it?”

“I think, uhh… I think journalism sounds pretty interesting.”

“What?” Mama let out a laugh as she shook her head. “No, no, no. I forbid it.”

Maya pursed her lips in annoyance. “What do you mean ‘you forbid it’?”

“It means exactly what you think it means. When was the last time you watched TV? Have you heard all these horrific stories about people found dead because someone rich didn’t like something online?”

“But those are isolated cases,” she protested. “Besides I don’t want to write about politics. I don’t care about politics and journalism does not mean only politics. I meant writing articles about… I don’t know! About animals or celebrities, something like that.”

“Exactly,” mama gave her a pointed look. “You don’t know. No, no, you need something useful, something that will bring money. Aunt Katya is working as a Chief Accountant. That’s a prestigious job, not your little stories.”

“But I love writing. And I hate math. I’ve never liked it, I’ve always been bad at—”

“Maya.” Mama interrupted her as always, giving her a smile. “We both know you’re just being lazy. Stop making up silly excuses. Besides I already talked to Katya about it. She told me everything you need to know. She has a friend in one of the universities that specializes on stuff like that and she’s willing to put in a word for you. All you need to do is have good exams results. I’m sure you can try at least this one time?”

“But—”anger bubbled inside her, making it hard to pick up the right words. “What’s the point of asking me what I want, asking what my opinion is if you’ve already decided everything for me?”

“Maya,” mama covered her hand with her own, “understand this. I’m doing this for you and only for you. You’re just too young to realize this, but you’ll thank me in the future. I guarantee you.”

Mother never left place for the arguing; always leading her like Maya still was a child.

“You’ll thank me later,” she would always say.

“I know better, you’re still too young to understand any of this,” she would squeeze her hand reassuringly.

“Mother always knows best for her child,” she would smile.

‘It could have been me,’ Maya thought as she watched a young girl joke and smile as she was interviewing some actress on TV. ‘I should have stood up for myself, everything would have been different had I been more stern.’

But it didn’t matter now, did it? So she tried to will the thoughts away.

They still came back.

 ~*~

After noon she took Eva for a walk.

As a kid, Maya used to love the park near their apartment. It always seemed enormous with its tall immense trees; alive with its playgrounds always full of laughter.

It didn’t feel special anymore. The trees looked dull and the children’s screaming annoyed her.

Maya let Eva go and sat on one of the benches around the playground. She tried to read a book but her mind was far away.

She used to look forward to weekends, to count days till she didn’t have to wake up early or study things she didn’t care about. She used to pull an all-nighter to watch three movies in a row, to read, to write, to giggle with Natasha or Maxim over the phone. She used to dream of moving away. She used to dream of proving her mother’s wrong for not believing in her own daughter.

Thinking about it now felt more like remembering a dream. A good dream that would leave you warm upon waking up until you realize it wasn't real.

Her body was on autopilot. She had stopped seeing dreams.

A loud laugher made Maya look up. A group of teens, both boys and girls, ran past her to a free bench to her left. The quickest of them sat down; those who were left standing groaned as others giggled.

They reminded Maya of her own friends.

She averted her gaze.

‘I should never have listened to her,’ Maya thought bitterly. The pages under her hands were crumpled; she didn’t realize she’d been squeezing the book. ‘I told her I was too young, I told her I didn’t want this and she didn’t listen. Why is it easy for her to ignore me, yet so hard for me to do the same to her? I should have left. Oh God, I should have left… If I had left, my life would have been different. I’m only 22, I should be out with friends getting drunk, not babysitting a child I never needed.’

Someone was pulling on her sleeve. Eva was crying again; her knees and palms scraped and smeared with blood and dirt.

Maya tried to feel something for her, but all she felt was anger and annoyance.

~*~

She met Maxim during her first year in University.

They clicked almost immediately. He was charming and sweet, and shared the same sense of humor. They could spend hours talking about Star Trek and, if Natasha was with them, unironically gave each other Vulcan greeting.

“I swear,” Natasha said one day, “it’s like you two share one brain cell or something. One very irritating, very little brain cell.”

“Too bad Max usually has it during exams,” Maya responded. “I’d like to use it too someday.”

It was easy for them to become friends; even easier to fall for one another.

“Maybe we should run away together,” he said one winter evening, “to live in another city. Or another country, even better.”

Maya snorted. “Yeah? Something particular on your mind?”

“Mhm, let’s see,” Maxim frowned comically, caressing his chin while pretending to think before sending her a mischievous smile. “I’ve always wanted to see Mezlava.”

“Traveling? Naah, never heard of her.”

“There’s just no limit to your wit.”

“I know.”

They sat in a comfortable silence for a few seconds, before he said: “You know… My sister moved to Mezlava last year. Said it was nice. Nicer than here anyway.”

Suddenly Maya knew where this was going.

“You mean you’ll move there after graduation.”

Maxim nodded curtly. “I’m not sure yet, but… I’ve been thinking about it, yeah.”

“And what about us?”

“We can go there together,” he said as if it was the most obvious, the simplest thing in the world.

Maya let out a surprised laugh. “You’re kidding. I don’t even know the language.”

“Well, it’s not like we’re moving tomorrow,” Maxim said. He reached over and took Maya's hand, lacing his fingers through hers. “I know this seemed out of nowhere—”

“Yeah, a little bit.”

“—but I’ve really been thinking about it. You told me you are unhappy here. Your mom has been making decisions for you all this time and while I’m glad we met each other because of that, this whole… thing, it wasn’t your dream.” Maxim paused as if waiting for her to protest. There was nothing Maya could defend herself with. “I’m not saying it’s better in Mezlava, I don’t know that. Perhaps I’m being too extra on this one. But I want you to be happy and if you want to be happy as well, you should move as far away as possible from your mom.”

It wasn't like Maya hadn't thought of this before. Yet she didn’t know how to answer. The quiet stretched uncomfortably long.

“I’m—I’m sorry,” Maxim shook his head. “I shouldn’t have said that. I know she’s your mom, but—”

“No,” Maya interrupted him. “No, you’re right. I want to be happy. I… want to be someone. I need...” She swallowed. Maxim gently squeezed her hand. “I really need to get away from her, don’t I?”

“I believe so, yes.”

Maya tried to imagine this life, away from her mama’s watchful eyes, away from her lectures and scolding. She thought about her, abandoned and alone in their flat, but instead of sadness, she felt satisfaction.

~*~

“How could you let this happened?” Mother fussed over Eva as she cleaned out her hands. Eva was no longer crying, but her face was red and she kept sniffing every few seconds. “She’s your child. You should be watching her all the time!” 

Like many days before, Maya found herself near one of their bookshelves, looking at the picture there. She didn’t answer.

She was 14 and wearing her favorite blue dress, holding a certificate out before her. ‘To encourage budding talents’. She got a third place in a school writing contest that day.

Her literature teacher hugged her. “Just because it’s a third place doesn’t mean you should give up. You know this, right?”

Maya tried to force a smile. “Yeah.”

“Hey. Everybody needs to start with something. Do you know how many people got rejected before finally getting a chance? Too many. So this,” she pointed to the certificate in Maya’s hands, “should only make you try harder. You have so much potential. All you need is practice.”

How cruel it was of her mother to put it there for everyone to see.

“You should move as far away as possible from your mom,” Maxim’s voice echoed in her head.

‘I’m such an idiot. I should have…When I had the chance, I should have left her.’

“Would you stop being in the clouds?” Mother took the picture and waved it in Maya’s face. “Do you want me to throw it away? That life is gone, stop starring at it. You have things to do.”

Mother threw the picture on the table. Eva reached up and almost snatched it, but Maya was faster and grabbed it before Eva had her chance.

Eva broke down in tears. Mother shook her head.

“You’re just like your father,” she spat. “Thinking only about yourself.”

Just like your father.

Mother loved using this card when Maya was misbehaving.

“You’re so lazy, just like your stupid father.”

“People your age are thinking about other things, Maya. Important things. Although who am I saying this to? You’re just like your excuse of a father.”

“Leaving? You will not leave me like your father did, I will not let you!”

Maya used to hate her father for such a long time.

Now she wished she could leave just as easily.

~*~

When she found out she was pregnant all she felt was panic.

They were too young, she was only 18. They had plans in different country and dreams they wanted to pursue. They hadn’t even graduated yet.

None of them wanted this baby.

“Abortion?!” Maya flinched at mama’s raised voice. “Are you insane?”

“We’re too young,” she protested weakly; she didn’t want another arguing. Her head was already pounding and she didn’t know whom to blame – the baby or her University.

“Then you should have thought about the consequences before lying in someone’s bed.”

They were going in circles for an hour. Or hours. Maya couldn’t tell anymore. She regretted a million times that she had told mama everything instead of leaving all a secret.

Mama inhaled deeply and slowly let the air out through her mouth.

“Here’s what we’re going to do. I will not let you get an abortion.”

“But—” Maya opened her mouth to protest but mama held up a hand.

“Not. A. Word.” She hissed through her teeth. “No abortion. I will not let you kill this innocent baby and endanger yourself to not have any more children in the future.” She took another breath. “You and this…boy… you’ll have to get married and that will not be discussed.”

“Will not be discussed?” Maya clenched her fists. “For how long are you planning to decide every single thing in my life?”

“Until you’ll have the brains to do it yourself.”

~*~

“I’m not agreeing to this,” Maxim said.

“Well, too bad you have no choice,” mama said with a fake politeness in her voice.

“I have. And so does your daughter.” Maxim turned his gaze to Maya. He frowned when she remained to be silent. “Maya?”

“We’ve already discussed everything,” mama said. “You will get married in summer. I know you’re young so for now I won’t make you look for a job or make you move out. We can all live together. At least until you both graduate.”

“No,” was all Maxim said before walking out.

~*~

Maya caught him outside the park.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Maxim asked.

She didn’t know what to say.

Maxim sighed. “What’s the point of me arguing with your mom if you don’t want to stand up against her as well?”

“I know,” she mumbled. “It’s just… I don’t know how. Every time I try to do this she just gives me this look or acts like I don’t know what I’m talking about. There’s no winning.”

“Then you have to leave. Move away from her so she won’t have any power over you.”

It was a tempting thought. Maya imagined it hundreds of times. Yet something was holding her back.

“We can find a flat,” Maxim continued, “or live with my parents for a little while, I’m sure they won’t mind. But I can’t make you leave if you yourself don’t want to. You know what I think, what I want. You have your own dreams as well. Don’t let your mom ruin them for you.”

~*~

“Don’t be an idiot.”

“What about my studying?” Maya was grasping at all the straws she could possibly find. “Didn’t you want me to be like aunt Katya? Didn’t you want me to have a prestigious job?”

“What I wanted for you then doesn’t matter now,” mama said. “A child is a blessing. A God’s blessing! Who are we to decide between a blessing and a piece of paper?”

Tears welled up in her eyes. “But mama—”

“My word is final.”

~*~

“You know my opinion,” Maxim said. “You know what I want in my life, you know my plans. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life, wondering what could have been. I know you don’t want to either.”

~*~

“Aw, look at her,” mother cooed at the newborn in her arms. “What do you want to call her?”

“I don’t care.”

~*~

Maya clicked through pictures on her laptop.

Her first road trip. Natasha’s birthday party when they all got so drunk Maya couldn’t look at alcohol for months. Sasha mimicking their history teacher behind his back.

Maxim. Natasha. Another trip, another party. New Year. Someone’s birthday. All of them together.

Their faces blurred before her eyes.

~*~

“You should let go of all the reminders,” her therapist said. “All the pictures, the gifts, delete old conversations from your phone. Look around: the sun is bright, the grass is green. You have a loving mother and you are a mother yourself. Think about Eva. Yes, sometimes we wish things would have turned out differently, sometimes we regret our decisions but life goes on. The sun still goes up every morning. You need to let go of your past and try to move on with your life. Find new hobbies, new friends. You understand me?”

“Yes,” Maya said. “I do.”

And she tried.

But what can you do when your most painful reminders are living beside you?