TIME DENIED

TW: suicide

TIME DENIED  

The room, with white walls, even if of a far from immaculate white___there were stains and scratches on the walls, was narrow. The light came from a window on the ceiling, very high.

When Lily was brought there, , it had to be  the first day of the year.  She remembered that those who had grabbed her to load her into a van that looked like a hearse, complained : “ But you look, even today, which is THE FIRST OF THE YEAR, when we should only think about partying and having fun…but you look, we have to keep up with this bad wretch! Damnation…”

As soon as Lily entered the room, indeed she had been pushed into it, without any regard, two very big women had thrown her on a narrow bed, where they had tied her very tightly with strong, hard straps, and, after tying her up, they had made her some injections. She had have slept a long time, tight to that bed. When she woke, Lily wasn’t able to realize how much time had passed. She didn’t know what day it was, if it was still January 1^st, or January 2^nd, or maybe January 3^rd. When she had asked what day it was to one of the gigantic women, who brought her food, and washed her , putting her under a jet of icy water, (she) had heard her answer : “ But why do you want to know what day it is ( today)?  You have to stay here anyway, whatever day it is “

“ Here…but where I’m? What is this place? Is it a prison or….a madhouse? Lily asked in anguish, since she had the slightest idea about why she had been locked in that room, which made her think of a mortuary chapel. “ Ah, this is not really either a prison or a madhouse” One the two very big women said, winking with a kind of grunt at the other, who seemed seized by an irresistible urge to laugh, as if she found incredible , and also funny that she, Lily, could ask a such question. But how, she didn’t realize where she was? She didn’t understand what place was that?  “ Ah, but tell her that this is a madhouse____as if now we don’t use this definition anymore, we prefer to call it ___clinic for mental illness____So, this , yes, is a clinic for mental illness, but it is even, at the same time, a kind of prison, a particular prison indeed, or a particular clinic, since only those mentally ill who are also murderers are looked up here” The big woman said. “ Oh, this then! But I’m not a murderess!” Lily exclaimed, but she, even if surprised, remained pretty calm when she said it, since she was sure she hadn’t killed anyone. “ There must have been a mistake” she added, convinced.  “ Oh, but listen to her! Ah! Ah! Ah! She didn’t kill anyone! “ The more laughable  of the two very big women said, bending over her waist with laughter. “ Ah! Ah! Ah! But that’s what everyone who is brought here says! Ah1 Ah! Ah!”

“ But I swear, I really didn’t killed anyone!” Lily cried, as she began to be frightened. “ I didn’t remember to have killed anyone” she shouted , even if her voice was trembling.

“ Oh, here we have to hear the same old story….She didn’t kill anyone! How many times have we heard it repeated, eh, Giusy?” One of the very big women, with a big nose too, snapped, winking at the other, with a grin, more than a knowing look. “ Oh, countless times” the woman named Giusy sighed. “ You, darling” Giusy said, pointing a finger against Lily, while she was ( stayed) bent over her waist, with her large torso towards “ you are just like everyone else  who was brought here before you. You were brought here since you committed a crime, you killed, darling…..aah! And you shouldn’t really complain if they brought you here instead of thrown you in a jail!”

“ But…and who(m) would I have killed?” Lily dared to ask, even if she felt like she was in a completely unreal world____indeed it seemed to her that she herself had become unreal___when she asked that question.

“ Oh, but listen to her, Claire , our friend, here, doesn’t remember who(m) she killed! Do you believe it?”  “ It is the usual story, Giusy…How many times have we heard it? Nothing new “ Giusy mumbled, shaking her head, and twisting her mouth.  Giusy approached Lily, and, standing in front of her, she shouted on Lily’s face, as a gust of wind: “ You, my dear girl, you killed your parents!”

“ My parents? Would I have killed my parents? But it is impossible! It is absolutely impossible!

They have been dead for years, now ( they died some years ago)” As Lily said these words, she felt the ground shaking under her feet. But what was happening to her? What kind of deception had she fallen into?  “ And when would I have killed them, my parents?” she asked also, while her voice was trembling, and her body too. “ Oh, a few days ago, the first day of the year” Claire said.

“ Noooo! “ Lily started shouting at the top of her voice 2Why, why are you cheating me like this?

Let me go out, soon! I need to get out of here now, soon! This accusation…is just a pretext to lock me up!” Lily rushed to the door, massive, heavy, impossible for her to open, she knew, and she began to punch and kick it, while she continued to scream, at the top of her voice: “ Let me out! I want to go out! I have to defend myself from a completely absurd accusation! HELP! HELP! Someone help me! I ask for help!” The two huge women grabbed her and threw her on the bed, where she was tied very tightly. After that, as she continued to scream,  a roll of toilet paper was shoved into her mouth and thrown down her throat, which nearly suffocated her. Then she was sedated with injections. Lily fell in an artificial sleep and she remained sleeping for a long time. At least so it seemed to her when she woke up, that she didn’t even remember when she was.

The first thing she saw , when she emerged from that long sleep, was the sky above her, visible from the window on the ceiling. It was a blue sky, in which little white clouds were floating, little white clouds which looked like snowflakes. She didn’t remember of being locked up in a prison room, so it seemed to her to be lying in a meadow, in the open country. It was when, looking around, she glimpsed two big hips and a big butt ___it was that of Giusy___that she remembered where she was. She heard a voice saying: “ Here, she has woken up”

When she woke up, she was no longer tied to the bed, and she no longer had the toilet paper roll in her mouth. “ How long I slept! What time is it?” Lily asked, sitting on the bed.

“ It is ten in the morning” Claire answered her. Both the women, Claire and Giusy, were in the room, Giusy near the bed, Claire near the door. They , their hands on their very large hips, were looking at her with a severe frown. “ And what day is today?” Lily asked, yawning.

“Oh, here it is again that you want to know WHAT DAY it is! What should you care ( to know) what   day is today? It is a day like any other, since you have to stay here every day” Giusy said, starting to walk in the room, her hands resting on her hips.

“ Today is Wednesday “ Claire said. . “ Wednesday…but what month we are in?”Lily asked.

“ Oh, what do you care ( to know) what month it is?” Giusy snapped.

“Sure that I care to know it….I need to know how long I’ve been locked up here”

“ Oh, you have been here since a long time, now, don’t you remember?” Giusy said, shattering in front of Lily her big wobbly ass ( butt).

“ I remember that I was brought here on the first day of the year….Then I remember that you told me that I had been locked up in this room because I had killed my parents on January first, while they had both died for years! Then I started screaming ….and you tied me to this bed and made me fall asleep. I don’t know how long I slept….I don’t know how much time went by since I was locked up here” Lily said, beginning to fidget, as she got out of the bed. “ But don’t you really remember anything else?” Giusy asked her, with a grin, her hands clenched into fists  on her large hips, reaching out her massive face towards Lily, looking her straight in the eye.

“ And what else could I remember if I ‘ve been asleep ever since?” Lily said, rather dismayed.

“ She has always slept! Did you hear, Claire? Our friend has always slept, since she has been here!” Giusy said, doubling over with a great laugh. Claire too, exchanging a glance with Giusy, began to laugh, and her large body wobbled, shuddered with laughter.

“ Oh, I would like to know what you are laughing at! I want get out of here! Let me out! I didn’t kill anyone! This is all a scam against me! It’s a conspiracy!” Lily shouted.

“ But is it really so? Is it possible that you don’t remember…?” Giusy asked, more to herself than to Lily ,looking at her suspiciously.

“ Is it possible that I don’t remember WHAT? What is that I should remember?” Lily cried, exasperated.

“ Well, dear girl” Claire said, speaking in a low voice, in an insinuating tone “ since you have been in here, it’s been months….and during this time you can’t have always slept, don’t you think?”

“ Yeah, now we are in April….and since then, from January first, things have happened” Giusy said.

“ But what, what happened? I ask you to tell me what happened, since I don’t remember anything!  Eh, but why you are looking at me with those faces? Don’t you believe me?” Lilly screamed.

“ Well, the most important thing that happened during this time is that you admitted to have killed your parents” Giusy said.  “ But that’s not possible! I didn’t  kill anyone!” Lily cried, tearing her hair.

“ And instead you did it in front of them….in front of the judges and the doctors that the commission that deals with your case.  Your confession has been recorded, and we can show it to you. Claire, can you give me the report?”

Clare took some folded papers from her apron pocket and  handed them to Giusy.

“ Well, look, this report shows what  you declared in front of the commission.  There is also your signature at the bottom. “ Giusy said, putting the report in front of Lily, who kept on repeating:

“ It is not possible…it is not possible….Nothing is true….it is all a fraud” Then she screamed that she wanted a lawyer!  Since it was all a fraud, she claimed her right to be defended, to be pulled out of that colossal deception hatched   against her.   “ A lawyer? Oh, darling, but you didn’t need a lawyer or a defense, since you won’t be tried for your crime.  You have been declared incapable of understanding and wanting. You will stay here, with us” Giusy informed her.

Lily threw herself against the door, Giusy and Claire tied her again at the bed and sedated her.

Lily slept for a long time.  When she woke up, she had the feeling not so much that she was dead, but that she no longer existed.  Since she had been locked up in that room she no longer existed.

Her whole life was denied.  The day passed, the months passed.  On December 31 Lily was found dead , lying on the bed, with a roll of toilet paper stuck in her throat.  Her death was filed as suicide.