My Secret Life

My Secret Life        Alan Hancock 2024

2,660 wds

When I put this story together I was wondering where to start. And I thought, let’s start at the beginning, a long time ago in another place a very long way from here.

So, to start from the beginning. When I was a boy I loved stories about people who had a secret. Some of them were true stories and some were made up. But it didn’t make any difference to me. They were all just as good, as long as they had a secret.

I read this story about a gang of kids who called themselves the Secret Seven. They formed this kind of junior secret society, a kiddie vigilante group who went round helping the police catch criminals. Brilliant. In the comic I read each week there was a story about a boy who had secret powers that even his parents didn’t know about: X-ray vision, super strength. I liked that.

Then there were the kids in my class at school. Some of them had secrets, some of them had a secret life. Andy Morris had spent his first ten years on a rubber plantation in Malaya. Out there in the jungle he and his brother had their very own maid. Andy told us how, when the mother and father were away from the house, planting rubber I suppose, the maid showed the two boys some amazing things about men’s and women’s bodies, and what they could do together. Andy never told his parents about these special, lessons. They were a secret. Now how come that kind of thing didn’t happen to me?

Heather MacAlpine sat in the row behind me at school. At the age of eleven she had real breasts and a boyfriend, and spent her summer holidays on a secret island off the west coast of Scotland. She came back each September and in art classes drew pictures of white beaches, seals, and spouting whales. She had a secret or two.

But not me. I was plain ordinary, normal, boring. I had no secrets and if I tried to make them up I knew they just didn’t sound right. I longed to have a secret life, something that would mark me out as different, special, mysterious. I waited and waited for my secret to appear. But it didn’t. And then one day much later, it did.

Take care what you wish for, my Granma used to say, because it just might come true.

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The first clue is a memory. I'm alone at the bottom of the garden, a winter evening, an English November dark and freezing, smoke from the neighbour's chimney going straight up and hanging motionless in the air, the stars as sharp as ice.

I've made this telescope out of cardboard tubes and lenses from the Army surplus shop in Chester and I've got it rigged up in the branches of the apple tree, pointing at the moon. The white craters and the mountains. It’s another world. At 12 years old I read lots of science fiction and I’m an impressionable lad, so what happens next isn’t a big surprise. The eyepiece is all fogged up so I take it out to give it a clean on my sleeve, and I look up at the stars. And then.

Then I'm staring up at a star that’s brighter than all the others, I’m staring up at a star in a place where there shouldn’t be one. And the star is moving, and getting bigger and brighter. No noise, just the light, a brilliant blue-white. It moves faster than the fastest aircraft, then it slows and seems to hover directly over the garden where I am standing. Something happens but It’s too big for me to take in. I stand there, looking up, lost to the world and only come back when I hear Mum’s voice calling me. ‘Al, tea time!’ I had no idea how long I’d been standing there.

I never tell anyone what I've seen. No reason, just silence. It’s a secret.

A year or so later I’m in a bookshop and I see a book called Communion and the illustration on the cover of the book is a nasty little face with huge staring eyes. I know straight away that it’s all wrong. Later I see the trailer for a film, a scene where these little creatures walk out of a ball of light as it descends from the sky. I find myself smiling: it’s so silly.

I have a vivid imagination. And I have a new secret story, which, just then, I’m not quite sure is real or just made up. How many bright new stars in the sky? How many memories waiting to return?

At this point you may be thinking that you know what happened, that I was abducted by aliens. Yes, I was, but not like in the books and movies. It wasn’t an X-files kind of experience. It wasn't the greys or the guys in black or the big tall ones that they reckon are a bit more friendly. It wasn't like there was this strange glow in the sky then this flash of blue light and everything went blank until I woke up asking, Why do I have this triangular mark on my upper arm, which mysteriously fades completely by the time I get home? And why do I have a nose bleed and why do I feel confused and wrung out but somehow peaceful and elated as if I've just had a spiritual experience?’

No. It wasn't like that at all. You're just jumping to conclusions. This is even more weird.

Fifty-two Earth years ago I was abducted from the photon belt which surrounds the star Alcione in the constellation of the Pleiades, approximately 450 light years from here. It's all coming back to me very clearly now, and I think it's time I told you all. I didn't use to look like this at all. In the Pleiades I wasn't a theatre studies lecturer and I didn't have a house in North Lake or a Toyota Corolla: I was very different. I was an entity of the fourth density vibrating at a level far higher than can be perceived by humans. I was a manifestation of life force energy that sort of flickered and buzzed and was all joined up with all the other energy forms out there in the photon belt. So there wasn't any conflict or separation, or shopping or therapy groups. It was all just this kind of flow that everything joined in. It was really nice.

But then I got abducted. Suddenly I was in this brightly lit room full of strange creatures. I now realise that this was the maternity ward of the West Birmingham Hospital in England, Europe, Earth, the solar system. And I had been abducted by Donald and Phylis Hancock, and outside it was freezing cold, and I had a body, which came as a big surprise. A bit later I got used to it and I couldn't remember anything of my previous life in the Pleiades. It was all very upsetting. Then something happened and I remembered - everything. That was later. We’ll come to that bit soon.

There were lots of clues, if I'd known what to look for. As a boy I was fascinated by anything to do with astronomy and the only books I ever read were science fiction. I always thought that Dr Who and Star Trek were more like documentaries than made-up stories, and you know that bit in ‘2001: A Space Odyssey’ where the astronaut goes zooming down this space-time warp thing and ends up in another dimension. It made a big impression on me. I was never quite the same after I saw that.

Then, the other week, it happened, and I knew. I was out in the bush and it was a pitch-black night and the sky was full of stars. I found myself looking at the Pleiades, and this thought just popped into my head, ‘I wonder what it'd be like to live in the Pleiades?’ That’s when it all came back.

The higher dimension, the entities of pure Light Force which form a single pulse of radiant energy, the oneness, the complete absence of hassles with stuff like making friends, and getting stuck in the checkout queue at K-mart and projecting unwanted aspects of self onto complete strangers, so you either get inexplicably infatuated with the new secretary at work, or develop a deep loathing for someone at the next table in a cafe who talks into a mobile phone for half an hour in a VERY LOUD VOICE.

In fact, I could remember clearly that up there in the aural glow of the photon belt there was a complete lack of anything to do with self whatsoever. There were no secrets. And I was wondering if you could get there like in ‘2001’ where there's this big whoosh and you just kind of go surfing along a space-time discontinuity and end up absolutely miles away, back home.

Now I think of it, I've often felt like I don't quite fit in, here on Earth I mean, not just as a migrant in Australia or North Lake. Maybe it's because I don't actually come from here. Maybe lots of other people feel the same way, but they just don't dare say in case their friends think they're turning into fruit-loops. But my therapy group reckon it's worth taking the risk, as long as you're in a supportive environment, so I thought this would be a good time to have a go at writing it all down and see what happens.

Back to my story. I get used to living on this planet, along with all the other Earthlings, and I try to make sense of it all: life on planet Earth in a time of global conflict, anxiety, and conspiracy theories. So, when I read the newspaper or watch tv it’s more like a travel guide. I get lots of information about the place and how it all works. And lots of questions. Like why do some people keep secrets and then why do they confess?

On the news, there’s this story about a man who walks into a police station one sunny day and he says, ‘It was me. I did it. I confess. Twenty years I’ve been carrying this secret round, and I had to tell someone. It was me. I confess.’ And as they lead him off to the cells he has this relaxed look on his face, like he’s happy, at last.

On a tv show, a couple is sitting down at home, and they look a bit tense. And the man says, ‘There’s something I have to tell you. I don’t know how to say this. But, you know when I went to that conference at Surfers Paradise last year. I met this woman from the Sydney office.’

You just know it’s going to get him into a whole heap of big trouble, but it’s too late now, he’s off. He’s confessing. Like me right now, confessing my own secret, maybe getting myself into trouble.

A few weeks ago I was watching this video about a strange American man who is so far out there in the new age that he's on another planet. Literally. I'm watching it with a bunch of people some of whom I know and most of whom take it all as one big joke. They can’t stop laughing. Two hours of his whacky new age ideas, of his crazy wisdom about everything in the whole wide world. His ideas keep coming like they could go on forever. Like he knows, yes knows, people who have been alive for 5,000 years. One of them is Thoth, the Ancient Egyptian deity with the ibis head. He says, You may find this hard to believe, given your view of reality. And I think, yep, it's hard to believe.

At first I just smile. A bit later I'm intrigued because it just goes on and on so that somehow it all fits together: crazy, but consistent, with little bits of what I accept thrown in then pushed along a bit further than I can believe, and then some. He keeps on talking and I listen. Then this moment comes when I know he’s telling the truth. I know he’s one of us.

He says he comes from the stars, lots of them. First stop for him in this dimension was Sirius. He says he lived in Sirius. Not on a planet near Sirius, but in Sirius. Now Sirius is a white-hot ball of incandescent gas. It’s not the kind of place where you can get used to the climate. And he lived there: quite liked it too.

He says our view of stars and heat is all wrong. Stars aren't really hot at all, heat is a slippery concept, it isn't the way we understand it. Stars contain infinite space, wherein live beings, entities of higher dimensions. He has lived many lives in higher dimensions we cannot imagine

He comes from the stars. Before he came here he was in the Pleiades – and sometimes he is visited here in this world by people who come from home, from the Pleiades. And I go, Yes. Me too.

Something unlocks inside me, opens up like a flower.

Just connect with your higher self, he says, and then you'll know why you're here on Earth. This time.

Why am I here? Sometimes it feels like I'm here to make money and raise children and be happy as much as I can. And then . . . ?

And who was it, in the back garden, coming in a light from the sky? Was it family? Was it me, or part of me?

All these questions, the big ones: the words bounce off and go nowhere.

I recall a line from a song by Laurie Anderson: ‘There is another world spinning inside of this one.’ I think there is. I'd like to know why I'm here, this time around. Like this American man on the video.

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When I was a kid my Gran used to watch tv with us sometimes. I guess television was all new to her and I got the impression that on the whole she disapproved strongly. If anyone came on who was what she would call a show-off, a big-head, someone who was trying to put on some kind of act, someone like Mick Jagger for example, she’d say, ‘Who does he think he is?’ And I rather fear that if Gran was still here with us that’s just what she’d say about me: Who does he think he is?

It’s a good question isn’t it: Who do I think I am? And will I remember, when I go back to the Pleiades?

I’ve got a feeling that I’m going to miss it, this story of mine, this life on Earth. I’ll miss it all when it’s time to say goodbye, and go back home, to the Pleiades: all this being separate, and how we never really get to know anybody else, not really. So I have secrets, and I make confessions. Then there’s this thing called love. I’m going to miss a lot when I leave here. I wonder if I’ll remember what it was like. I wonder if I’ll come back for another go. Take care what you wish for, my Gran used to say. Don’t wish you’re life away, cos it’s all you’ve got. It’s all going to come true anyway, one day. It’s all coming true.

I wonder when I'll start feeling better now I've written all this down. I guess that is the point, isn't it? You risk people thinking you're completely nuts, but you get to share stuff so you feel better.

It hasn't happened yet. 

Maybe it takes a bit longer.

End