Be One with the World

The stars shone in the darkened sky. James felt so small compared to all of this: the world. There were countless little lights in the sky, and here he was, sitting on his porch, staring up at them, silently wishing he could be up there, among them. He felt so insignificant in this world, and he wasn't sure if he would ever feel any different.

James sighed as he leaned his head back against the chair, closing his eyes. He was alone, like he always was, like he was used to, like he liked. It felt like everything was going to just keep going on and on and on, and James wasn't sure he wanted to keep doing that. The world was still going.Life was still happening. He had to continue going as well, even if he didn’t want to.

The night air was cool. It was late October, almost Halloween. James was too old to trick or treat, but he wasn't a very social person, so parties weren’t going to happen, either. He once again sighed, opening his eyes, looking back up at the sky.

There were times when James wondered if people were really created through stardust. That was a theory that people had about how people came about. There was the stardust theory, reincarnation, and then the basic “you only live once”. James wasn't sure which one he really believed.

Life felt meaningless at times to James. He was seventeen years old, still in high school, without friends or siblings, and it was just his father, Tony. The two of them were close, but James sometimes felt like an outsider even in his own family.

He wanted to be happy, he truly did, but James just wasn't. He wasn't a happy person. He tried to be. He pretended that he was, but there was just so much in his life that he just, well, didn’t care about. He didn’t care about school. He didn’t care that he didn’t have any friends. He didn’t care that his grades were getting worse and worse as the days passed. Sometimes it felt like the world was going on and he was stuck in one place.

James felt alone. He didn’t know how else to feel. He felt like nobody understood him. He felt like he didn't matter. He felt like he was just another person, trying to pretend that his life was going well, but everything was slowly crashing. He hated this about himself, but he didn’t know how else to think about things.

He tried talking to therapists. Multiple therapists. They tried medication. He tried to eat better, sleep more, keep a journal, exercise. But none of that helped him. James wished that it did, but nothing would work.

So he resorted to being alone. James felt like it was the only thing that he could even do with his life anymore. Everything felt so small and meaningless. He didn’t want to think like this, but that’s where he was at. He tried everything else, but none of it made him happy. None of it made him feel like he mattered.

James liked being alone. At first, it felt odd and uncomfortable, but then he found comfort in the oddities of being alone. He could think about things without having to worry about people judging him. He didn’t have to feel awkward sitting alone at lunch. He could sit alone, outside, stuck in his thoughts.

It was bad for him. He knew this, but James couldn’t help it. It became too comfortable for him, being alone. He felt that if he were to ever let somebody in, then they would point out all the negative things about him, and he didn’t want to do that. He already did it to himself enough.

Being alone was addictive. He could always just close himself off from the world and not have to think about anything. He wouldn't have to worry about anybody else or their problems. He wanted to be alone. He needed to be alone.

But it was dark in this loneliness. James didn’t want to admit it, but he hated himself. He tried to act like it was fine, being by himself all the time, but he knew it wasn't healthy to close himself off from the world. And that’s exactly what he kept doing. That’s what he was doing, sitting out on his porch that night.

He needed to get away from this, but he wasn't entirely sure how. He didn’t now how to talk to people. This desire to do this, to break free from the darkness, came and went. Sometimes James wanted to be social, vocal about his problems, but those other times? The dark times? He wanted to be alone. He wanted to crawl into bed and never come out.

It’s not that James was a sad person, not really. He just felt like he didn’t belong anywhere. Kids always picked on him when he was younger because he was a Teacher’s Pet; he was smart and nice, and people bullied him for it. Over the years, he just shut them all out. The thing was, he didn’t know if they even still said things about him.

Life was still going, and he knew that he was stuck in it until he died. He also didn’t want to die, but James wasn't sure what he wanted from life. He didn’t want to be with people. And then again, he did. He wanted people to welcome him into their lives, learn about him, both the positives and the negatives. He wanted to have friends, be able to talk to people in class or at lunch. He wanted to hang out at people’s houses. He wanted to have friends.

James was afraid. He was afraid to let anybody into his life because he didn’t know how to act. He didn’t know how to receive the perception of himself that others did with themselves. He didn’t know if he could handle having people talking to him, asking him questions. He didn’t think he was interesting, but maybe he was? James wasn't sure.

So it was easier to cut out everything from his life. That’s the way he currently felt. That’s the way he thought he would feel for a while, regardless of what continued happening in the world around him. Or maybe things would change. He could never be sure with himself.

James opened his eyes once more and stared up at the sky, seeing the stars twinkling together, surrounded by one another. He sighed, wanting to be one with the world.