Farewell, Winston

“Mommy! Winston sleeping!”

The words swim around in my head without meaning. Without warning, small fingers grip my eyelids and force them open.

“Mommy, wake up! Winston sleeping!”

“Winston...sleeping?” I repeat groggily, batting the offending hand away with one of my own. Suddenly, the words form clearly in my mind and I shoot forward, now wide awake.

Jumping out of bed, I hurry to the living room. Charlie follows close behind me, giggling. At only three years old, she thinks we are playing a game.

Crossing through the kitchen I see Jake feeding the baby, who gurgles happily from his high chair and reaches for me. I kiss him on the head as I hurry past. Jake turns to say something, but I am gone.

“See!” Charlie shouts excitedly as we enter the living room. She tugs my shirt and points to the fish tank.

She is right. Floating there at the top of his bowl, so peacefully, Winston looks as if he could be sleeping. I feel my throat catch.

“I see, baby,” I manage before the tears start. Absently I reach down and pat the soft curls on top of her head. I feel Jake behind me, carrying Parker in his arms.

“Daddy look!” Charlie shouts, excited to show off Winston’s new trick. “Winston sleep!”

“Oh no,” comes his reply, and I feel a comforting hand on my shoulder. “Here buddy, why don’t you go play with your sister.” He leans and releases Parker, who scoots away happily. Charlie continues to dance around Winston’s table.

The arms are around my waist now. “I’m so sorry, Honey. I know you loved him.”

I try to take a deep breath, but before I can let it out, Jake bolts across the room. “Where did you even find that?” he asks in surprise, and I turn to see him plucking some form of contraband from our son’s tiny fists.

I close my eyes, but Charlie’s voice is in my ears again, impatient now. “Mommy, when is Winston going to wake up?”

I make eye contact with Jake. Charlie is only three, and death is still a foreign concept. We have never even discussed this.

Jake bails me out. “Winston isn’t feeling so great,” he tells her, and again he is at my side. “Why don’t I handle this?” he suggests gently, reaching for Winston’s tank, but I react suddenly, surprising even myself.

“No!” I object, too loudly, reaching out to stop him. “No,” I repeat more softly, “I want to do it.” I unplug the filter from behind the table and lift the tank awkwardly. Jake raises his eyebrows, but I nod. I have made up my mind.

Charlie attempts to follow me, but Jake intercepts her, suggesting a distraction that I don’t hear. I heave the tank onto the bathroom counter and lock the door behind me.

Finally, I breathe deeply, taking a moment to look at my old friend. He floats silently at the top of his tank, eyes open, and I wonder what the last thing he saw was. I hope it wasn’t Jake’s cat, eyeing him the way she has for the last five years.

I tip the tank slowly, letting some of the water flow into the sink. A banging on the door startles me, and I lose my grip. Too much water flows into the sink, followed by my poor, deceased friend.

“Mommy! Mommy, what are you doooing!?”

“Just a minute, Charlie!” I yell back, scrambling to scoop Winston out of the sink. “Jake! JAKE!” I scream, and I feel tears hot on my cheeks. “Can you please come get her?”

On cue, Parker begins to cry from somewhere in the house. I sink to my knees, cradling Winston in my hands, and hear the sounds of footsteps and cries approaching the bathroom.

The doorknob rattles. “Jess?” Jake calls. More rattling. “Honey, why is the door locked?”

“I’m trying to have a moment,” I sob, failing to maintain control. “Just one moment, please.”

“For the love of God, Jess, it’s just a fish.”

My legs feel numb. I look down at Winston, cold and lifeless in my hands, and suddenly I am hot with shame. In one motion, I drop him gracelessly into the toilet and flush it. I can hardly stand to watch.

I wash my hands but leave the half-empty tank where it is. I can deal with it later. Opening the door to the chaos outside, I pluck Parker from Jake’s hands but avoid meeting his eye.

Jake attempts to take my hand, but I am already walking away, cooing softly at my son as I rock him in my arms. “Jess…” he calls after me.

I snag a bottle from the counter as I pass through the kitchen - Jake must have been in the middle of preparing it while I broke down in the bathroom. Then I am through the door and on the back porch.

I slip the bottle into Parker’s tiny fists and his crying ceases as I sink into the comfort of the porch swing. Charlie appears at the door behind me, and I have to stretch to open the door for her. She zooms past me and is across the yard, chasing after some toy she has only just remembered she owns.

The door opens again and Jake is behind me, leaning against the frame. He clears his throat, but I keep my eyes fixed on Charlie. She has spotted a ladybug on a flower, and now she is on all fours for a better look.

“I shouldn’t have said that.”

“No,” I agree. “You shouldn’t have.”

Another moment passes in silence. Parker finishes his bottle, and his eyes are heavy now. He’s had an eventful morning, and the slow rocking of the swing is clearly taking its toll.

“You had Winston for a long time,” Jake tries again. “Five...six years?”

“Seven,” I correct him, and the lump wells up in my throat again. “I bought him when I first moved into my old apartment.”

New tears form in my eyes, and Jake takes this as his cue to join me on the swing. He slips one arm effortlessly around my waist, and I relax into him slightly.

“We hadn’t even met yet.” The words fall out before they even form fully in my mind. “I’ve known Winston longer than I’ve known you.” I laugh. The thought hadn’t occurred to me before.

“I was going to take the world by storm. It was just me and that damn fish in that tiny little apartment. I was a whole different person then. I used to smoke.” I whisper the final word, even though I know Charlie is too young to understand. I laugh again. “Now I don’t even say it.”

Jake smiles. “It’s a disgusting habit,” he reminds me, and I roll my eyes.

“So you told me. So I quit. And then we moved into your place because it was bigger. And then we got married and we wanted to be out of the city. And now…” I trail off with a vague nod.

The tears are running down my cheeks uncontrollably now. I look to Jake for comfort, but his shocked expression stops me in my tracks.

“Are you…” he seems unsure. “Are you unhappy?”

The thought is so ridiculous I let out a laugh that’s more of a snort. I make an attempt to wipe away my tears, but it proves difficult to do with the baby still in my arms.

“I love our life,” I tell him quickly, hoping my tears don’t discredit me. “I love you, and I love our children. Our family is everything to me.”

I take a deep breath to steady myself and continue. “It’s not like I wanted to be a single girl in the city forever. I’m not a 90’s sitcom. This life we have...it’s wonderful.” I make sure to look into his eyes as the next words come out. “I wouldn’t trade who I am now for anything. But it doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes miss who I was before. Until today, I had Winston to remind me of that. And now he’s gone.”

Jake reaches out and wipes a tear from my cheek. I attempt a smile, but the moment is broken by a shriek of laughter and we both look quickly towards Charlie. She has pulled her butterfly net from the toy chest and is chasing a grasshopper across the yard. Suddenly she turns the corner and is out of sight, and Jake is on his feet and after her in an instant.

Parker twitches in his sleep, and for a moment I think he is going to wake up. A moment later, however, he is peaceful once again, and for the first time this morning, I have a moment of silence.

“Farewell, Winston.”