Unpaid Debts

Have you ever woke up in the middle of the night thinking about one thing so desperately and frantically that you were almost sure it already happened? And then, when you wake up the next morning you realize that it was just in your head and that nothing has happened yet. From one side you feel a relief – it’s one of the most scary things you ever thought about. But from the other side, deep down, you know you should do this, no matter how scary it sounds.

I did. I still do, every night. Almost every night. Not when I’m drunk, but I’m rarely drunk. Maybe I just should have got myself drunk more often, but I suppose it’s too late now.

The thing I keep thinking about has to happen and it has to happen tomorrow. I decided I’ll do it on the first day of spring and I just can’t back away now. First because I’ve done too many preparations, but second because it’s a special date. Partially from a pretty obvious reason – it’s symbolic for life, for joy, for the new beginning. And partially it’s also a special date for me. It’s my mother’s death anniversary and I’d like it to remind me of something else than the fact that she’s gone.

That’s why I’m going to do this today.

It’s an early evening and I keep thinking about it, over and over and over and over and over again. I imagine tomorrow from a lot of different perspectives and I’m going through all the possible scenarios a few times. I hope I’ve got every single detail I could under consideration. There’s nothing worse than failing because of a stupid mistake you could have predicted easily.

I think I’m waiting for far too long, but it’s still not five and I’ve promised myself I’ll go out only when it’s five. I’m looking ahead waiting for my alarm to go off, but I know it’ll take about five minutes more till it does. And five minutes is far too long for me. I feel my thoughts drifting away to the topic I’d rather avoid, but I can’t stop thinking about it. I wait desperately for my alarm, but by the time it’s off I’m already full of dark thoughts about tomorrow and my mood is destroyed. Not that it was very good before at the first place.

I stand up in hurry and I know that after I come back I should go to sleep early today, but I realize I probably won’t be able to fall asleep anyway.

I put on my light, beige coat on, go out of my flat and close the door behind. Then I check if I did close them and before I move on I check again.

When I’m finally out of my house for good I take my way down the stairs and then outside. I have a few shops to go to. Most of them close at eight p.m. but I’ve counted everything just fine and if everything goes well I should be able to make it just in time.

The first shop I’ve decided to visit is the stationer's. It’s a local network shop so I don’t know anyone in there and they don’t know me. There’s relatively empty inside so I simply make my way straight into the ally with balloons and other decorations. I take a few of those along with a huge sheet of paper and then I go to the cash register. I take out my own shopping bag and refuse to take the plastic one they offer me. I don’t like having them all over my house and I don’t want to throw them away, cause despite everything, I still like the earth clean and healthy. I say goodbye and go to visit the jeweler next. It’s quite far away from there so I try to focus on what needs to be done instead of my anxiety. It isn’t easy, but this time I mange to stop myself from thinking about all the awful things I have in minf.

When I come into the shop, he shop assistant - her name is Laura, by the way and she’s about forty fifty old. I know her, because she’s my neighbor and used to be good friends with my mother - greets me with a wide smile and polite tone.

“Oh, hello there!” He says cheerfully taking a few steps in my direction. “What brings you here?”

I smile back, though I know my smile isn’t exactly honest. But from the other side it never really is, so I guess everyone who knows me already got used to it.

“Oh well.” I smile shyly. “I want to buy a ring.”

Laura looks at me for a longer moment with evidently mixed feelings.

“Oh you’re not going to...” She starts unsure, though I can see excitement rising in her as the thought is getting more and more clear. She didn’t predict seeing me here in the closest future, at least not because of what she slowly realizes I’m here for.

“I’ve decided it’s the day.” I say with confidence. “The first day of spring. There won’t be a better occasion in the closest future.”

She slowly nods and smiles delicately. She was counting on that from a long time and from the other side I can also see her anxiety. She is one of not a lot people who really cares for me. Of course she’s worried. Normally it would bother me, but it’s Laura so I don’t say anything. She, from all people has an actual right to be concerned about my future happiness.

“I’ve got the just right ring then.” She speaks again after a few, long moments of silence and all her concern is suddenly gone. She makes her way to the cash register and takes out a pretty, silver ring with a green gemstone in it, laying in a blue, elegant box from under the table. It reminds me of spring, but not in the way most people think about it. More about the cold, changeable aspect of it. “It’s not cheap, but it’s just how you once said it should be like.” Laura comments giving the ring to me.

I take it and look at it closely. She is right. It’s the most perfect ring I could ever imagine buying.

“How much?” I ask closing the little box the ring is in and look back the Laura.

She smiles approvingly, happy that I’m satisfied of her proposition. As I make my way to the cash register she pushes a few buttons on the screen and only then says with almost apologetic expression.

“Five hundred.”

I frown slightly. It is a lot, but I was ready for it. I take out the cash – I’d hate to pay for it with a card – and give an equal amount of money. Than I say goodbye to Laura and head to the bakery.

The way there takes me a lot of time, but the visit doesn’t last long. I know which cake I want to buy – I am an often visitor in there and I’ve decided which cake from they offer I will take for this occasion months ago. Once again I exchange a few words with the shop assistant. This time it’s just a formal acquaintance so he doesn’t ask me further questions than ‘how was your day’ or ‘how do you feel about the weather these days’.

When I get out of the bakery I have my hands full of stuff and it’s half past seven. Walking from place to place in this town is the biggest nightmare I have to live in. But the florist is just around the corner so I know I’ll be there just in time, like I’ve predicted.

And indeed. When I come in, the shop is still open and my aunt Matilda sits on her place behind the cash register making a beautiful bouquet for some lucky person, who ordered the flowers at her shop. She is the best florist I know and her sense of style is irreplaceable.

“Hello auntie.” I greet her with a fake smile on my face once again. I’m pretty sure even if I wanted to smile honestly I would be incapable of doing so. But she knows that and that’s okay.

Matilda looks at me from over her work smiling slightly. She opens her mouth to say ‘hello, dear’, but when she sees my packages the smile dies on her face.

“Oh.” Is all that she says.

For a moment we both just stare at each other in silence. Normally I would feel anxious about it, but it’s aunt Matilda and – similarly to my neighbor Laura – I give her a permission to stare at me like I was crazy. She must think I am and, quite frankly, she’s probably right.

“So soon?” She manages to squeeze out finally. She isn’t working on the bouquet any longer. “I always thought it’s just for you to...” She doesn’t finish her sentence and I’m grateful for that.

“I don’t see why I should wait.” I respond and when she looks at me disapprovingly, I add. “It’s really important to me.”

She takes a deep breath and I give her the time to bring herself together once again. When she finally does, she looks much less confused and sorrowful than a moment ago.

“What do you want then?”

I smile at her slightly once again and say with a modest tone.

“Just a simple rose bouquet .” I announce and then, when she nods her head I stand by, watching as Matilda walks to the vase with the roses, takes a few of them and then arranges them in one of the prettiest bouquets I’ve ever seen. It’s going to be perfect.

It lasts about ten minutes before she gets the job done. Meanwhile I look around the shop and gaze at all the flowers. Once again, I feel really strongly that tomorrow the spring finally begins for good.

And when Matilda is finished, she doesn’t say much. She just gets all the formalities done and when I take the roses she says her farewells with a cold tone and then adds that I don’t have to bother inviting her for the wedding. I look at her apologetically and when I leave I hope she will change her mind about my life choices soon.

After that I finally come back home and by the time I’m there its already past eight p.m. I get put the flowers into the vase and cake into the fridge. I leave the rest of the shopping on the kitchen counter not bothering to put that anywhere. Then I wash myself and go the the living room to watch a few episodes of the new series someone told me was good.

By the morning a few episodes changed into a few dozen episodes. I didn’t sleep at all. I didn’t even bother to try. I knew I wouldn't be able to do so anyway so I’d rather to at least to something relaxing instead of torturing myself with black thoughts that are always somewhere in the back of my mind. My morning isn’t very exciting and so isn’t my afternoon and then the early evening. I get everything ready - take the wine out of the fridge, set the table and hide the box with the ring into my pocket. I decorate the flat with the balloons and other stuff that I bought yesterday.

Than I wait for - once again five p.m.

But this time it doesn’t last long. My to be spouse knocks to the door a few minutes before our meeting should start. I put the least fake smile I’m able to perform and I open the door just to see the well-known face looking at me with joy and love. I honestly don’t know if it’s same fake as mine. Maybe all the human emotions other people seems to have are fake. I don’t even know anymore and honestly – I’m not willing to find out.

“Come in.” I say cheerfully and feel the kiss and then a warm, long arms wrapping around me in a loving gesture.

“I just couldn’t wait for this meeting.” The words are so honest that I actually think that they can’t be fake.

“That’s just like me.” I answer and I can’t put away the impression that my words sound awfully dishonest next those I’ve heard a moment ago. “I have everything ready for us, let’s go the the kitchen.”

And we move to the other room, walking trough a long corridor together, arm in arm. When we’re inside everything is much more modest than I thought it would be and I’m afraid it’s really unimpressive, but just in that moment I hear the complete opposite words.

“That’s wonderful. What’s the occasion?” I see the wide smile on my spouse’s face and I shrug my shoulders playfully.

“You know. The first day of spring.” I come a bit closer and already put my hand in my pocket, getting ready to take out the box with the most wonderful ring either of us ever saw.

“Really?” The voice that answer me is the voice that know it’s not true, that know I have a surprise ready. I’m just not sure if it know what kind of surprise it is.

“Well. Yes.” I answer and than I finally take the box out, and as I slowly open it, I continue talking. ”This and a one thing more.”

I see the smile, the most radiant smile I’ve ever seen on this face and as I say the next words it gets even more radiant somehow.

“I hope it also will be our engagement date.” I say and then I immediately feel warm arms wrapping around me once more and the stream of words I can’t understand, most likely happy grumbling of a lot of other versions of word ‘yes’, repeating over and over again.

We stand snuggled together for a longer while, until my spouse finally doesn’t move away, just to take the ring from the box.

I see as it gets closer and closer to the ring finger but before it finds its way there I hear a scream and the ring falls out of my spouse’s hand. There’s a little, almost invisible scratch on their finger, but the expression I see is so painful I almost want to reverse the time.

“What’s happen…” But my spouse doesn’t get to finish the sentence.

They just fall lifeless on the floor and I stare at them and don’t move a finger. They’ve got exactly what was coming for them, I know that. But I don’t feel what I expected to feel – a relief provided by killing my mother’s murderer. I don’t feel anything at all actually. I only know I need to hide the body, wipe out all the evidence and never mention them again. Than I’ll meet with Matilda and Laura and tell them how everything went. They will be probably really relieved, especially Matilda. I close my eyes thinking about them and only then my feelings slowly go back to me. I sense deep longing to my only living family and a desire to meet them once again. I take a deep breath and then, when I open my eyes again I go back to my normal self. There’s still no relief but now I have a motivation back. A motivation to get over it and start a new life with no enemies, no lovers, no dark acquaintances. Just a happy, calm life, lived like nothing before today ever happened.