K.O.

Dear diary,

I'd give my Right arm, if you could let me sleep for 2 straight hours. I'd give you my torso, if you could let me sleep for 4. I'd give you my soul, if you could let me sleep for 8.

I am so. Tired. I don't even know what time it is anymore and I'm not looking, don't bother asking me to look. Has time been passing? Is the world still spinning? Does the sun still come up? Because all I see is darkness yet I don't sleep.

I don't even understand this, it's not like there's anything too brutal on my brain. Things are fine. I'm not stressed, what would I have to be stressed about? My job is the easiest thing on earth, hell I could do it in my sleep if I ever slept. My family's fine. My place is fine. Everything is fine. There is no stress in my life. People would kill to be like this.

So why can't I sleep? What is keeping my eyes open right now? What is keeping my chilled mind alive? Are the only thoughts I'm having to do with my lack of sleeping? Would me not thinking on it make me sleep?

I have tried that. I've tried everything. Warm milk; counting sheep; I even tried running up and down the stairs 40 times to try and tire myself out. Turns out, my body is asleep. My head is not. I can taste that chilli I ate today. It's oddly spicier now that it was before. My eyes feel as though they've been asleep for 8 hours and my ears can hear nothing but the light echo coming from some sort of electrical appliance downstairs.

This is infuriating. I do have to be up in the morning. Is that why I'm stressed? But I have to be up every morning! Why is it that my mind chooses to come to life in a totally new way in the middle of the night on a Wednesday? I'd love to be this thoughtful and awake on a Wednesday afternoon, that way I can get things done and not feel like a weirdo for baking brownies at 4am in the morning. Baking brownies is definitely an afternoon activity.

I feel like days have passed as I've stated up at my ceiling, well I think it's my ceiling. Everything just appears like a big black hole and it's making me feel like Alice, when she falls down the rabbit hole. Except Alice is dreaming and therefore, sleeping. So, even she wins in this contest.

I'm the idiot who's awake. I'm the idiot who can't read herself to sleep or run herself to sleep or just, I'm not un-relaxed right now. I'm not anxious, afraid, jittery. I'm just awake. I have no reason to feel awake.

It's been a fairly exhausting day. I almost fell asleep on the couch at about 9 but I stopped myself because I thought I wouldn't sleep now. Ah irony, what a bitch. I'd go back in time and knock myself out at this rate. Idiot, I should have just had a couch nap then dealt with the neck ache later, at least that way I would've gotten something.

I can't imagine possessing the ability to sleep right now, what even is sleep at this point? It's just a temporary pause on the day. That's all sleep is. It's putting yourself in stasis then coming out of it and living for a little while then doing it again and again until you just sleep forever, I guess.

I don't know. Maybe it's fate. I always talk about how life is just irritating enough; how coincidences smack us around like 2 kids playing teeball. Maybe because I want to sleep, I can't. If I didn't want to sleep, I'd be unconscious right now but because all I want to achieve at this very second is the shutting off of my mind...I can't do it. Life is fickle this way.

Maybe I should just give in, start my day at 4am. Can't be that bad, can it? I'll live on coffee and energy drinks and maybe catch the sunrise, don't think I've caught a sunrise in my life.

On the other hand, is living on no sleep really living? Guarantee I'll hit 2pm and I'll feel like a zombie from walking dead.

I'm gonna check the time.

Shit, 5am. Im officially going into the more reasonable hours in the morning. If I got up now, there are marginally less people who will think I'm crazy. And that's not good. Should I just try and sleep again now? Because then I'll just be sleeping through the day. But is not sleeping then existing in a day just pointless anyway? Maybe I should just sleep and not exist for a while. If I can sleep anyways.

Or I could get up and call this a failed quest. Hope that maybe this failed quest will lead to a successful one tomorrow.

I don't know what I'm on about anymore, did any of that make sense?

Diary, I am going to knock myself out now. I'm going to grasp the corners of my bed frame and slam my head into the wall. I don't care if I concuss myself or if I damage the wall...I will not be conscious, therefore I will not know. I am tired and my mind is buzzing with nothing. If I stay up much longer, I am going to start laughing like a crazed scientist and slowly pulling out my own hair. Help.

I was overexaggerating with that statement initially but I now think it's perfectly logical and that worries me. I mean if I can't use natural means to make myself sleep, why not use unnatural ones? Knocking myself out can't be that bad, can it? I've had a concussion once before and I don't even remember it now. I was just told that I ran head first into a lamp post and that my nose bled. I woke up in hospital an hour later with a lollipop and that's all I remember. So, yeah can't be that bad. I'm gonna do it. Hang on.

Okay, conclusion time. Ow. I'm still conscious and now I have a headache. Apparently the human skull is thicker than I thought, knocking myself out that way? Well, that was just dumb and I probably have some relatives up in heaven watching over me in hysterics right now.

I'm just gonna get up. I give in, I'll watch the sunrise with a cup of coffee and hope I don't fall unconscious on a bright Thursday afternoon. Good morning diary.