Fine Line Between Freedom and Fear

As she stood at the base of the looming television tower which stood 1575 feet about sea level; Virginia swallowed hard in a desperate attempt to rid herself of the lump that had formed in her throat. She gazed up having been completely unaware as to the towers height, from the various other vantage points of it visible all around the city. When her husband suggested coming here for an outing, to lookout across the city from the tower, the idea made her apprehensive, but excited . Now, she was not so sure. She knew that it was tall, but as she stood under it, looking up, shielding her eyes from the sun with her hand, she suddenly wondered what she had gotten herself into. 

Virginia suffered from anxiety and panic attacks. For as long as she could remember, she had a fear of not only heights, but of enclosed spaces. She did not know why she was afraid of heights, but she could pinpoint where the fear of enclosed spaces came from exactly. When she was a young girl, her brother locked her in their small, damp, and dark storage building, while her mother was away. The fear and sheer panic instilled in her that day is indescribable. The complete loss of power, and control, she felt. Virginias inability to escape, crying out to be released to no avail. To this day, the emotional and physical responses elicited when she feels trapped or closed in because of that event, are terrifying to say the least. 

For Virginia, and many others who suffer, anxiety is a painful mental health condition. For those who suffer from it, it is made even worse by the embarrassment that one feels when they are unable to do things most people do daily, like ride elevators, trains, buses, or go to tourist observation towers. The embarrassment over one’s anxiety makes one even more anxious, which in turn makes the original anxiety worse. It becomes a revolving door of pain. Desperate to avoid the pain, sufferers avoid a lot of life. 

 Now as she made her way into the towers gift shop entrance , it became painfully obvious that a trek up this tower would force her to conquer two of hers fears. In addition to the height of the tower, the only way up to its observation deck was on an elevator that was encased in the cement of tower. 

Virginia had always avoided elevators and other closed in spaces at all costs. Even if it meant making her way up multiple flights of stairs. She always looked for exits and never put herself in the position to feel trapped. The least indication of being unable to get off of, or exit anything, or any situation when she wanted to, would set off unmanageable panic attacks. This time, to go up meant an elevator ride. 

Before her husband purchased their tickets for the tower, she told him that she wanted go to the bathroom, to think about whether she wanted to go up or not. In the bathroom, Virginia wondered if she could do this, if she had it in her. The the significance of making the accent in the elevator to the observation tower was not lost on her. After all, she was a forty seven year old women, who had been working hard the past year to conquer fears and live outside her comfort zone. This was an opportunity to prove to herself she was brave; to face not one, but two of deepest fears. 

When she exited the bathroom she made her way to the gentleman operating the elevators. She peppered him with questions: how fast does it go? Has it gotten stuck? The answers, “thirty seconds to the observation deck”, so really fast, and “yes it has gotten stuck

But not often”. Neither of these answers did anything to calm her fear and anxiety. But taking a deep breath, she turned to her husband, agreed to go up, so he bought the tickets. He promised a lapel pin depicting the tower if she “was good”. 

Once they entered the elevator, Virginia felt the sting of hot tears welling up in the corner of her eyes. She felt the familiar feeling of an impending anxiety attack;sweating, the shortness of breath, trembling in her knees and the nauseous feeling in her stomach. The elevator operator got onboard with them and kindly spoke to her. When he did, embarrassingly, the tears slipped from her eyes and ran down her cheeks. Her partner squeezed her hand and reassured her it was ok, that she was ok. It was the longest 30 seconds of her life. 

When the elevator stopped, she tensed up, fear that the door would not opened consumed her. What was probably only a second, took forever. She clenched her fists, waiting for the doors to part. When they parted, she exited and gasped for air as though she had been suffocating. Anxiety attacks for her always had always felt like she had a pillow over her face. 

Her husband led her to the observation deck. She wrapped her arms around him and opened her eyes. Looking around, Virginia exclaimed “wow”. The pressure change on the deck made her dizzy, but the view was exhilarating. 360 degrees of this stunning German city from 1575 feet above sea level. She could hardly believe she had done it. She took a deep breath. Her husband wrapped her in a hug and told her “I knew you could do it”. Cautiously, she walked hand and hand with her husband, around the observation deck, soaking in the stunning view of the city. To commemorate the milestone they snapped selfies and even enjoyed a beer in the observation deck bar. The wind blew, and the sun shone, and her heart burst with pride. These little victories must be celebrated, and so she marveled at how free she felt. There is a fine line between freedom and fear she thought.