a little at a time

the butterflies in my stomach were going crazy as I paced up and down the hallway. every little detail seems to stand out, the dirty patterned tiles on the floor, the little puppy in the painting at the end of the hall, even the bumps on the ceiling. I feel as if I'm going to throw up as I finger through my note cards running through my speech in my over and over again until my mind drifts back to when I was little never expecting to end up here

no way I laughed I could never

"I think you could if you wanted to" my best friend, Lily, and I were talking about changing the world again

"yeah if I wanted to which I don't," I say "and I never will"

"you can't predict the future," lily says, then she stares at me and I wonder if she's going to do the 'thing' again "unless you're a unicorn," she says I can tell she joking but I can hear the hope in her voice

"come on lily you know I don't have the guts to change the world"

"Maybe you won't change the world," she says "but you have changed my world"

I smile remembering that day and how much lily meant to me, I wish she could be here now. the butterflies are back banging into the sides of my stomach and the nervous jitters return. I keep pacing focusing on the little details, the dirty RED tiles, the little BLACK dog, the bumpy WHITE ceiling, my head starts pounding and my mind wanders off again this time I see myself 4 years ago kneeling at my mom's bedside

"no mom don't leave me" I cry even though there's nothing I can do

"joey still needs you, dad still needs you, I still need you" I clutch her hand tight weeping as I feel the life draining away

"Sophie" mom calls out softly "Sophie my darling"

"Mom!" I'm surprised that she can speak "I'm right here mom"

"I love you Sophie you know that but it's my time to leave now"

"no mom don't leave me" I cry tears filling my eyes

"I'm not leaving you Sophie, you have to understand that, I will always be with you" her breathing studders and I grasp her hand tighter " s-s-soph-"

"mom! no, don't go"

"I love you" her breath studders then stops. I can't help it anymore the tears come rushing out.

"I love you too," I tell her lifeless body as I stand up and walk out of her bedroom

seeing the memory again brings tears to my eyes but I shake it off and bring my attention back to the room this time focusing on the people going in and out of the big wood doors at one end of the hall. deep breaths I tell myself you got this, you deserve this, you earned this. I start to count people, one dark brown hair and short black dress, two messy blonde hair, headset, and black tux, three black hair red scarf green blazer and black pants. I take a deep breath. four long blonde hair and a black dress. I freeze as my mind slips once again into another memory this time I'm wearing a white lab coat hunched over beakers and test tubes lily standing next to me

"come on Sophie" lily whines "lets go"

"not yet I think I almost got it," I say not looking up from the green liquid in one test tube I was mixing with the purple liquid in another

"you have been trying to make a vaccine for 3 months let the real scientist do it"

"LILY!" I snap "if you want to leave there is nothing keeping you here! now let me focus. the 'real' scientist have been trying to make a vaccine for a long time and haven't succeeded, I'm doing this because I don't want any other people to lose their mothers the same way I did NOW LET ME FOCUS"

"ok, ok no need to get crabby," lily says backing away, she knows how I get when I'm angry, she plops down on a white chair and starts to spin staring off into space "let me know when you're done

I turn back to my work as she spins in the chair behind me

instead of coming back to reality like usual, my mind fades into another memory this time I see myself in a small room holding a needle full of and brown liquid and a girl I don't know sitting on a stool with her sleeve rolled up on to her shoulder

"How are you feeling today," I ask her as I turn around ready to inject her with my newest try at the vaccine this one I'm sure will work, It has been the only one to get to stage 3

"to be honest I a little nervous," she says though I can hear the confidence in her voice

"There is no reason to be nervous," I say though I was trying to convince myself more than her "are you aware of the risks," I ask her going through the standard procedure

"yes"

"and you confirm that you have agreed to test this vaccine"

"yes"

"you confirm you are not being forced to do this against your will"

"yes"

"ok then are you ready" I don't wait for her answer I push the needle through her skin and inject her with the vaccine.

as I return to the hallway I feel the excitement of that day all over again that vaccine is the reason I'm standing in this hallway with butterflies in my stomach

"Sophie Davis?" it's one of the staff members "you're on in 2 minutes"

"ok," I say as I take a deep breath and walk towards the big wood doors leading into the auditorium where about 5,000 people wait for my speech. I clear my throat and walk out on stage.