My obsession with Alison Steads: the story of an ex-police officer.

I think back to meeting Ali on her lunch breaks. She worked in a little cafe which was in the neighboring village to the farm, where she resided with her monsterous husband, Jimmy. I asked her, practically begged her, to leave him but she said she couldn’t, it was too complicated for her to leave and that she refused to leave with nothing. A few weeks of regular lunchtime meetings, comprising of many sandwiches, cakes and coffee, I offered to drive Ali home. She had already confided in me about Jimmy taking her car off her the day before because she had answered the phone while cooking his breakfast and she overcooked his toast. It wasn’t the best of days, weather wise, and as she noticed the first drops of rainfall hit the little cafe’s window, she nodded and told me to lead on. After being in the car for a few minutes she told me to turn right, which took us down a secluded farm track. Ali said that the farm along here had been abandoned and that no one ever came down here now. She pointed to a pull in point and I stopped the car. I had been aware that there was something forming between Ali and I, but I refused to admit it. I loved my wife and children and I didn’t want to risk losing them over, what I thought, was a crush. Ali unzipped her jacket and let it fall from her shoulders. The next thing I know, Ali is straddling me, kissing me and I wasn’t able to stop her. I couldn’t stop her. I didn’t want to. I wanted her as much as she wanted me and that was the beginning of a  very complicated and emotionally obsessed affair with Mrs Alison Steads.

Jimmy’s drunken ranting was getting louder as he drew level with me. It was so dark along this road that I was sure he hadn’t noticed that I was standing near him, but he had. He stopped, swaying slightly and looking right at me.

“Wey if it isn’t PC fucking Plod. Our local hero!” He slurred aggressively. “Have you not got owt better to do than lurk on dark country lanes? Eh? Pervert.” I sighed and laughed at his pathetic attempt to try and intimidate me. I took a step forward, pulling my handcuffs from my belt. 

“James Steads. I am arresting you for being drunk and disorderly in a public place. You’ll need to accompany me to the station.” I said as I approached him, ready to act should he start being violent. However, I am disappointed when he willingly holds out his arms, waiting for me to cuff his wrists. 

“Slap ‘em on me PC Plod.” Jimmy slurred. I tighten the cuffs until he complains that I am hurting him. I smirk at his whining, ‘if he thinks this hurts he has another thing coming’, I think as I usher him to the car and into the back seat. I am about to tell him that I don’t want to hear a word come from his mouth when he begins snoring. I roll my eyes and start the engine.

Steads Farm is situated on a cliff and surrounded by fields. It is detatched from any other kind of housing or neighbouring farms. It was its own little isolated heaven. I approached the farmhouse and looked at Jimmy in the rear view mirror. He is still sleeping so I decide to slam on the brakes, making him slam into the back of the passenger seat and waking him up immediately. 

“What he fuck? You trying to kill me?” Jimmy snaps out at me, clearly startled by his sudden wake up call.

I get out of the car without responding to him and walk around to the boot which I pop open. I knew there was a spare wheel and tool kit underneath the carpet in the floor of the boot and I retrieve the wheel brace. Jimmy’s shouts fill the air and I smile at how aggressive he sounds. He would certainly know aggression soon enough.

I hurl the back door open and grab him by the arm, pulling him from the vehicle and onto the ground. 

“Get up!” I demand, watching him struggle with the handcuffs still on his wrists. Its a pathetic sight so I sigh and pull him onto his feet. “Now we’re going for a little stroll, see if we can sober you up a bit.” I say as I push him forwards. He stumbles and almost falls again, but manages to right himself in time. 

“I don’t know what the fuck or who the fuck you think you are but I swear-” Jimmy says before I cut him off with another shove.

“Shut up.” I say, shoving him again, over and over, until we reach the end of the grass that leads to the cliff’s edge. I almost forgot how dark it was around here and I resist the urge to use my pocket torch. I look back towards the farm, Jimmy had left all the lights on to help guide him home. However we are now too far away from any light and it takes my eyes a while to adjust to the pitch black, but when they finally do, I force Jimmy onto his knees. He began protesting, slurring his threats, but they just washed over my head. I am too wrapped up in hatred and rage for him and my obsession with his wife. 

“If this is to do with that useless shitbag I married then you have it all wrong.” He slurs, sounding even more pathetic. “She did that to herself, she’s an attention seeking nutjob.” I can’t stand hearing him disrespect Ali, I knew the truth, I knew she hadn't put herself in hospital with a concussion and numerous broken bones. It was all down to him. This absolute waste of space, social parasite, kneeling in front of me.

“Ali did not injure herself to that extent. I know she didn’t. It is humanly impossible to break your own ribs to that extent. And the head injury was caused by a blow to the back of her head, she couldn't have done that herself either.” I kick him in the back and feel nothing but pure rage when I see him fall face first onto the ground. I thought of Ali lying in a hospital bed, doped up on pain medication, slipping in and out of consciousness and the nurses trying to keep her awake so they could monitor her head injury. I remember seeing the tears roll down her face when she saw me walk into the hospital A&E department. I remember holding her hand, kissing her lips and promising I would sort everything out so she never needed to go through this pain again.

I look down at the sounds of Jimmy’s pathetic snivelling, I hadn’t even began to give him a taste of his own medicine and here he was, crying like a baby. 

“You’re pathetic.” I say as I haul him back to his knees, his whining pushing me to my limit. The feeling of no longer having control of my body consumes me and it is as if I am watching the events unfold from a distance. I lift the wheel brace and bring it down, hard, on the side of Jimmy’s head, causing him to fall to the floor once more. The rage inside me fuels my further blows, as I continue to hit him until the wheel brace becomes slippy with blood. I let the wheel brace fall from my grip as I look down at Jimmy’s lifeless body lying at my feet. I feel myself come back to the present and I have a brief moment of panic before I uncuff his wrists and drop them next to the wheel brace. I need to get rid of the body and sprang into action as I decided to push him over the cliffs edge. After dragging his body into position, I give him a hard, heavy kick, pushing his body over the edge and listen for the  sound of him landing on either rocks or in the North Sea. When I hear a soft thud, I look over the edge and see Jimmy's lifeless body lying awkwardly on a rock. It wouldn't take a very strong wave to sweep him out to sea, so with that in mind, I gathered the bloodied wheel brace in a blanket I found in the back of the patrol car.

I look around me, seeing nothing but shadows and panic for a moment, where the hell am I supposed to hide this? I can't throw it over the edge, it's too close to the body. Too easy to find. I am disturbed from my thinking when my mobile rings in my pocket. My head swims and I feel dizzy when I see that it is Allison who is contacting me. I do the right thing and send the call to voicemail. I decide to get as far away from the scene as I possibly can, as I remember the perfect place to hide the weapon and remove any trace of my involvement with Jimmy's death. Alison would be notified when the body was found, it would be described as a freak accident, that he was drunk and fell from the cliff edge. She would be free from him and his abuse, she would finally be mine. I would finally have Alison, the one person who-.

The color drains from my face at the realisation at what I have just done. I've just killed a man. I killed him because I am in love with his wife. No, love isn't quite right, I'm married, I love my wife and daughter. What I have with Allison, it isn't love. It's an obsession, like she is a precious thing that I need to have, but I have no intention of leaving my wife and daughter to be with Alison. I wanted her, well I thought that I wanted her, but now it comes down to it, I don't want this. I don't want this at all. Yet here I am, shattering her life, as well as my marriage, because I am obsessed with her. My hands shake as I look out of the windscreen. What am I going to do?

My phone rings and I answer it without taking much notice at the caller's ID.

"Hi. How's your night shift going?"

Tears sting my eyes as I hear my wife's voice flowing down the phone and into my ear. I want to tell her everything, I want to tell her that I've just killed a man. That I have been obsessed with another woman for months and that I have been breaking our marriage apart since the day I met Allison. But I don't, I'm too much of a coward to admit it. I clear my throat and tell her my night is quite quiet, I will be heading back to the station soon and I will call her when I get back because my signal is rubbish out in the sticks. She tells me to drive safe and that she loves me. The words I love you too stick in my throat, and I feign a cough before I hang up the call.

I just killed a man. I rub my hands over my face. I just killed a man. I take a deep breath and look out ahead of me. I just killed a man. I just killed a man. I just... killed. I killed because I thought I wanted Allison, but I don't, I don't want to lose my wife, my daughter. My marriage. I don't want Allison, but I don't not want her either. I slam my hands into the steering wheel, shouting FUCK and letting the tears flow down my cheeks. I need to think of what I'm going to do next. Then I realise. I can't do this alone. I start the car and move it across the field, avoiding any uneven ground that I can see in my headlights. I have to get home, I have to tell my wife everything.