Green Lawn Vendetta

Samantha waited to take revenge on her neighbor, Madison, for reporting her to the city, for watering her lawn on an alternating off day. Just because Madison’s husband, Tom, got elected onto the city council, didn’t make her the law on the street. 

She turned up the water volume on her garden hose, when Madison stepped out onto her porch, but Madison turned to yell back into the cavernous house, “Casey, Barry, and Jimmy, get out here now!” She turned to Samantha, her eyes scrunched up and her mouth twisted with distaste. “Kids!”

Samantha had already dropped off her seven-year-old Damian, and her six-year-old Clarrisa at summer school, and she had a plan. Yes, kids hurry up. She raised her voice above the sprinkler. “It’s my day for watering.”

“Of course it is,….. Casey, Barry, Jimmy, if you’re not out here in ten seconds, there’ll be no TV and no computer time tonight, or gaming, or anything else for that matter.”

What about the other day, when you came out and told me it wasn’t my watering day? Did you consider I might have extenuating circumstances? No, you never asked. My mother needed help after her hip surgery, and then she had an infection.

“How do you do it?”

“What?” Samantha blinked at the marigolds, almost falling apart from the onslaught of water.

“Get your kids anywhere. It must be easier with just two.”

You’re just saying that because my kid’s dad left me after they were born, didn’t stick around long enough to knock me up again, not that I would’ve wanted another. Two kids are enough in these days of overpopulation. How could you have been so indulgent?

“Maybe. My kids know if they give me any guff, I’ll lose it.”

Madison shook her head. “Wouldn’t faze my bunch.” She disappeared back into her home.

That’s because you always get to be the good cop, the one who spoils your kids, because you know you can pass them off to their dad to lay down the law. Of course, being the weasel he is, he never does. Just so you know, I never voted for him, another teflon suit.

Her neighbor emerged a few minutes later, dragging the younger two, one in each hand, squealing. Somehow she was able to access her car key, open a door, and push each child into the backseat and lock the door, and return into the house. The gremlins pressed their dirty mouths against the glass.

Samantha made faces at the entitled toads, who contorted their faces more and laughed. If they whispered a word against her, she’d deny everything. A few minutes later, Madison emerged with the oldest daughter, Casey, in tow. Who calls their daughter Casey? Samantha cheered on Casey’s obstinance at the same time;she wanted Madison to get going, so she could get on with her plan. Madison battled her eleven-year-old gangly girl into the front passenger seat; and locked her inside.

Samantha cheered as the white Mercedes SUV spun its wheels, backing out of the driveway, tires squealing in a turn, and floored forward, to deposit the children to whatever facility had agreed to take them.

.

Now for revenge against that smug bitch.

Samantha walked over to the green grass growing at the side of her porch and picked up the remote control of Damian’s toy dump truck. She hammered a nail into the bottom of the bright yellow box, creating a small hole, and placed the truck on her neighbor’s lawn.

Glancing around at the neighbor’s windows, they all had their curtains and blinds closed, minding their business, not like the mighty Madison. Using gloves, she took a bag of lawn killer and poured it into the toy box.

Now the fun would begin. Operating the remote, she drove it back and forth across her neighbor’s lawn, hoping no one noticed the bright yellow truck and its high-pitched whine. After fifteen minutes, she scooted the truck back to the property line, and picked it up with her gloves still on, and deposited it next to the front step porch, and was about to hose it clean, when she heard Madison’s car.

She ungloved and waved at Madison.

Madison gave her a strange look. “Hey about the watering comment the other day. I’m sorry to get in your face like that. It’s just I was having a tough day with the kids,” she said and disappeared into her home.

Well, you didn’t have to report me, you bitch, you Stepford wife. Samantha left the truck to hose down later, in case Madison came outside again.

***

A couple of days later, Samantha patted herself on the back. Liver spots sprouted all over Madison’s lawn, where the grass withered. Barefoot on her own lush lawn, she burrowed her toes into the cool grass, watering her hydrangea shrub, which continued soaking up more water than ever.

“What the hell?” Madison yelled, walking around her lawn in tennis shoes. “There must be something wrong with the water piped into my place.” She shook her head and walked in circles, and then opened up her hose and smelt the water.

 “How come it’s just my lawn?”

Samantha shrugged and continued watering her pansies and violets. “Did you use a new product on your lawn?” She really shouldn’t have said that.

“No, Tom is going to have a fit.” Madison dragged out the lawn sprinkler to the middle of the yard.

“What are you doing?”

“Saving my lawn.”

“But it’s not your day for watering.”

Madison flung the sprinkler and hose down. “Samantha, you can’t be serious.”

“Oh, I’m serious, Madison. You should have talked to me before you phoned and reported me for watering on my day off.”

A look of shock came over Madison’s face. “Why would I do that?”

“Who else would do it.? You’re the one who complained about it.”

“So you wrecked my lawn?” Madison said, eying Samantha.

Samantha raised the back of her hand to her forehead in shock. “No, I didn’t Why would I?”

“Blue hydrangeas, how fitting?” Madison snorted.

“Not good enough for you.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She pointed at the flowers. “Apology, regret and forgiveness, that’s what they mean.”

Samantha turned up the jet spray on the large blue blooms, which puckered back in protest.

***

“Damian and Clarissa, come in for dinner.”

“Clarissa says there’s green sugar inside my dump truck and she’s licking it.” Samantha flew outside and wrenched the dump truck from her daughter’s hand. “Don’t touch that,” she yelled at Damian, as she lifted Clarissa in her arms and ran with her inside. She called Poison Control and laid Clarissa on the sofa. “Please be okay, baby girl.”

“I want to play. I didn’t do anything wrong,” Clarissa said, blinking her large brown eyes.

Damian. She had to get him inside. “Stay there,” she said to Clarissa.

She burst out the door. Madison was sitting with Damian, and the toy dump truck was behind them. Thankfully, Damian didn’t have any green smudges around his mouth.

“He was tempted.” Madison said.

“I didn’t do anything wrong,” Damian said.

“No sweetheart, you didn’t.” She gathered her son in her arms and ran back into her home.

The Poison Control Unit arrived and treated both her children, even though Damian insisted he had done nothing wrong.

***

After the incident, Samantha missed three watering days in a row, and didn’t care. Sitting on the porch, she watched her children pulling out dried turfs of dead grass.

“Your lawn looks like hell,” Madison said. She turned and yelled into her home, “Casey, Barry, and Jimmy, get out here now! It’s too nice to be inside.”

“Yeah, perfect green lawns are so bourgeois and passe.” Samantha leaned back against her door.

“Like fur coats.”

“An anachronism these days.”

They both looked at the perfect green yards in the neighborhood.

Madison tilted her head at her house. “They hate being outside.”

“That might have been a good thing.”

“Yeah, they would never have cooperated, like your kids.”

Thanks for helping me with Damian the other day, but I still think you’re a bitch for reporting me.

“Oh, so that’s why you’re so sour. Did you ever think of checking your water bill? No one had to report you. It would have shown up on your meter.”

Samantha covered her face in her hands, seeing large blue hydrangea flowers.