Designed Hope.

You looked out the window and, not for the first time, thought about how wrong the weather forecast had been this week. Covering your shivery tiny limbs over the hospital gown with the quilt nurse Dora gave you on her last shift, you close the curtains with the window still open, the cold breeze pushing through the curtains. It was promised the night would be warm as you watched the late night news with the receptionist.

You sat cross-legged with your whole body covered, with just your face peeking through the quilt, looking around the dim lit colorful room filled with paintings from your classmates and friends. This was your room. This was your home.

It has been three months in this hospital bed and you were hoping you stayed longer as planned than go back to your parent’s house. You being diagnosed with diabetes was a blessing in disguise. It was your escape from home that you never wanted to see yourself back to, no matter what it took.

People hated hospitals, with good reason but this place felt like home, with so many people fussing over you. Here, you received a love that was not measured by what you did or didn’t do, a fully present love with no questions unlike a drunk father who never had a clue what day it was and forever punching your mother. An evil stepbrother and a mother who looked pass every evil he did. This place was peaceful and nurse Dora always looking out for you, and you were willing to do anything to keep yourself here with nurse Dora, your angel sent by the universe.

The birds were chirping their usual Sunday Summer song, the last days of summer, a song you have memorized with heart. The tree leaves were steadily swaying to the sound of the chirping, dusk slowly vanishing to the unknown. You listened through the window as the sun rose, warming the room. It was going to be a beautiful day, you thought excitedly looking through the window, the breeze rushing through your nose and to the lungs as you inhaled the fresh Sunday morning wind.

You had an hour left to yourself to watch as the sky unfolded for the day, do the painting you promised Dora when she returned for her shift, and prepare for the performance of your life to keep you in this place. Or maybe just enjoy this promising beautiful day, maybe.

''Honey you look so much better today, how are you feeling?'' Your mother leaning on the bed as she kissed your forehead. She looked overdressed for an unexpected Sunday visit, with too much makeup on her face you felt traces of it left on face.

''I feel better mom, except for the stomach cramps I had earlier this morning. The nurse gave me something.'' A lie you quickly blurted as you shifted your gaze to the window.

''Its your birthday tomorrow honey and guess who’s coming to see you?! Your brother Sam! And sweetie I know you and him have been going at each other for a while but he misses you so much and he's excited with the gift he bought you.'' Your mother stood up from the side of the bed and looked out the window, her hands clenched at the windowsill, you could see them turning white.

''I wont say anything mother I promise, no more lies.'' You were close to tears, watching the door and hoping a nurse would walk in the room and plead with your mother to leave and never come back.

''Good girl. You are turning 16 Sandra, you need to understand that some lies can ruin a family, and your dad might start drinking again and you know how he is when he's drunk. I told you he stopped since you’ve been admitted right? Please think about the family, for once. I have to leave now. I love you angel.''

''Happy birthday to me..'' You sang softly to yourself while looking through the window as the night unfolded itself, the clouds slowly dancing in to welcome the moon.

''I’m sorry friends, but this needs to be done. You understand right? I can't spend my special day with Sam, you know what he's been doing to me. I blame this diabetes on him because if I was happy, I would not be sick. He caused this.'' You unfolded the mint chocolate bar your mother brought you as a treat and quickly mixed it with peanuts you stole from the receptionist. Your eyes itched as you swallowed the peanuts and bit on the mint bar and hoping the allergic reaction will work faster before any nurse walks in. You rushed towards your bed and covered yourself, while vomiting.

“Sandra.. Sandra, wake up..” a gentle hand caressing your arm as Dora sat in her chair looking over you. Her face was stern, as you opened your eyes to her looking through you in her glasses. She ceased caressing your arm and drummed the files in her lap with her perfectly manicured nails.

“We need to talk, Sandra. I know what’s going on with you and I thought you trusted me enough to let me know when you don’t want any visitors. What happened yesterday?” She was clearly not happy about her stunt and it was written all over her face. You started panicking, tears looming at the thought of losing the one person in this world who cared for you.

“I’m.. I’m sorry Dora. Please forgive me..”

“what happened last night?”

“I don’t know.. I had a chocolate bar “ you sat up from the bed avoiding eye contact with Dora.

“I didn’t know things were so horrible at home that you thought taking your own life would be a solution. It never is Sandra, and I’m sad that you didn’t say anything to me. I gave you my personal numbers to call me anytime of the day when I wasn’t on shift and you didn’t. Sandra I know you have been making yourself ill, sometimes. And I protected you because you told me you were scared to go home. Today you have to tell me why Sandra, for me to help you..”

You let the guilt tears roll out and got out of bed towards the window, looking outside at the trees that were loosing their color, fallen flower petals in the garden.

“My brother touches me. Mother said I’m lying, calling me names. He has always been the favorite child, so I understand”

“Oh my dear child!. “ Dora rushed quickly to embrace you as she gently caressed your back.

“I’m really sorry Sandra. I’m here now and I promise you will never set foot in your parent’s house ever again.”