My Very Own Sunshine

Family is not only a blood relative. In fact, they come in many different shapes and sizes. The way I learned about the power of love didn’t come from my family, it came from an unlikely source, a little pony I had as a child named Sunshine. I grew up in an abusive household, and there were a lot of fears in my young life. I was afraid of the adults around me. I was afraid of the kids at school. I was afraid of the dark. I had more fears in my life than I could put a name to. My mom had many relationships when I was a child, some boyfriends, some husbands, almost all of them abusive. We moved often. It was a lonely and terrifying childhood. 

When I was seven years old, my mom married her third husband, and I got my own pony that I named Sunshine. I was a crazy, obsessed horse lover, so this was a dream come true. My mom had a small barn full of horses, so the love of these magnificent animals was ingrained in me from an early age. 

As much as I loved Sunshine, I was also afraid of her. Despite my fears, I rode Sunshine bareback every chance I could at the stables where she was boarded. Sunshine knew I was afraid of her, and that little pony took full advantage. From the moment I got on her, I would start saying silent prayers to her to be a good girl. Sunshine never heard my prayers. Or maybe she just didn’t care. Sunshine bucked me off, she ran away with me, and rarely did she go in the direction I wanted her to. Sometimes in the middle of a ride, Sunshine’s legs would buckle, and down we would go. As soon as I felt her go down, I would hop off because I knew she was going to roll. While Sunshine rolled, I looked at her round stomach and laughed at her little legs kicking vigorously in the air as she moved from side to side scratching her back. When she was done, I got back on, and we continued our ride. Sometimes our rides were long, sometimes they were short.  I never knew where Sunshine would take us, but I was always grateful for the rides she took me on.

Every time I rode Sunshine, I couldn’t keep the smile off my face. I was head over heels in love with my little pony and failed to see her many flaws. I dreamt about Sunshine at night, and I daydreamed about her during the day. I talked about her incessantly. At that time in my young life, that little pony was my whole world, my Sunshine. I just couldn’t get enough of her.

Sunshine may have been a devil when I was on her back; but as soon as I got down, she couldn’t have been more loving. That little pony just couldn’t get enough affection, and I was more than happy to oblige. I loved to wrap my arms around Sunshine’s head, rest my cheek against hers and pet her as I inhaled her sweet, horsey scent. I was able to pour out my pent-up love and affection on her, something I desperately craved because of the constant abuse. When I was with Sunshine, the loneliness, confusion, and fears of my daily life disappeared.  

When I was nine years old, my mom married her fourth husband, and we moved to another state. Mom brought her horses, two Arabians named Jazon and Quazar, but Sunshine was sold. I was absolutely devastated when I had to leave my little pony behind. 

After Mom married her fourth husband, any fears I had in my young life were soon turned into outright terror from the daily abuse I suffered at his hands and my mother’s. I badly needed the comfort and solace of my pony. And although the other horses were there, I missed my bright spot, my Sunshine.

One day, shortly after we moved, I was in Jazon’s stall brushing him, lost in thought. As I looked at him, suddenly I knew, without a doubt, that I could handle this young and spirited horse. 

My fear of horses was gone. 

When I asked Mom if I could ride Jazon, she thought about it for a second, no doubt remembering my escapades with Sunshine. Finally, Mom shrugged her shoulders and saddled Jazon up. From the moment Mom hoisted me onto his back, my world was transformed, and I couldn’t keep the smile off my face. Finally, I was riding again! 

Jazon was a challenge to ride, and I enjoyed every minute of it. Jazon spooked, bolted and bucked. Nothing he did scared me, and I handled him with ease. I had become a fearless daredevil on horseback. Sunshine taught me well.

Jazon was in my life for many years, and that amazing horse and I rode a lot of miles and had many adventures. As I got older and the abuse in my house worsened, I always knew I could escape to the barn to soothe the aching loneliness and terror that was part of my daily life. 

As I grew into adulthood, I often thought about Sunshine. And every time I did, I smiled. 

When I look back at my life, I realize that Sunshine taught me many important life lessons such as facing my fears and responsibility. But most importantly, Sunshine taught me how to love. I had learned from a young age that being touched meant being hurt, and I trusted no one. Even though Sunshine was a pony, she taught me that being touched didn’t have to hurt and that it was safe to let my guard down. I firmly believe that without Sunshine, I would not have been able to show love and affection to my children since I didn’t receive it at home. I am forever grateful to that little pony.  

I don’t know what became of Sunshine. Only one picture of her survived throughout our many moves. I cherish that picture and smile each time I look at it. She still brings me Sunshine every time I think of her. 

It wasn’t until midlife that I started to face my traumatic childhood.  When I look back at my life, I believe that horses were there to teach me about love and safety, something that I didn’t learn from my family. To me, the horses were my family. Honestly, I am not sure how I would have made it without them.  

And in case you’re wondering, yes, I have a horse. I couldn’t imagine life without one!