One of Fifty

This story contains depictions of pain and hurting oneself, though not for reasons stemming from self-hatred or desire to inflict harm.

She breathed into her back, softening her neck to tilt her head down and dip into a light bow.

Shoulders back—

She could feel her pulse fluttering in her neck as she rose, lashes fluttering and eyes remaining trained on the floor.

Respectful—

She kept her arms carefully concealed in the long sleeves draped over her arms; palms slightly sweaty, she subtly stretched her fingers to relax the tense muscles.

Elegant.

“Have a good night, Empress Dowager,” Yingzi murmured.

The older woman’s shrewd gaze narrowed, sweeping over her from head to toe with a critical eye. “Thank you. I hope to see you well rested in the morning.”

Yingzi smiled to herself, confident in the fact that the flaw being searched for would not make itself known — she had gotten much too good for that. “Of course, Empress Dowager; thank you.”

It was the strength in her posture, the inherent grace in her movements, and the undeniable allure of her lilting voice; she had given everything for this, for the ability to pull herself together in such a manner. This — the organic way her character overflowed with endlessly pleasing traits — was hers, and hers alone. All other aspects had slowly been whittled away until only precision and calculated movements remained, until every word, step, and feeling culminated in a symphony that served to draw people in, and until she was like a perfectly crafted doll with motions and gestures built into her.

Stepping aside, she looked down demurely as the Empress Dowager passed, nodding respectfully before continuing on her way. The warm night air was humid and slightly sticky, filled with the hums of insects and the comforting glow of the moonlight. Small lanterns were placed along the rocky pathway to light the way, and vibrant plants waved at her in the wind. As she approached the wooden doors, a young girl exited, rushing to Yingzi’s side and grabbing her hand with two of hers.

“Hurry! You need to be well rested for tomorrow,” she smiled kindly as she tugged Yingzi hurriedly through the doors.

“Alright, alright. Calm down, Mei, I’m coming.”

As soon as the doors were slid shut, Mei began helping Yingzi undress, peeling back the layers with deft hands.

“Oh, you are by far the most beautiful woman among all of the girls; more graceful, more charming— there just isn’t a chance the emperor won’t choose you!”

Yingzi chuckled at the girl’s effusive praise, though her chest twinged slightly at the knowledge of what was to come.

“Thank you, Mei.”

“I can only imagine his immediate adoration when he lays eyes on you. Oh, we simply must make sure you sleep well and look your best for tomorrow.”

Yingzi’s smile tightened at the words, shoulders tensing almost imperceptibly. “Indeed.”

Remaining as still as possible while Mei fussed over her, she ran through the possible scenarios of the following day in her head, attempting to calculate the risks of what she planned to do. There would always be the possibility that the emperor was more outspoken than anticipated, and hence cause her to be entirely disqualified, but it was doubtful. Additionally, Mei could be punished for her failure to care for Yingzi, or Yingzi herself might be brought before the Empress Dowager to be dealt the pain the woman’s rage saw fit to dole out. The trick would be to create a subtle discrepancy in her figure of perfection, one that would unconsciously entice the emperor to overlook her in favor of the other girls; a reason too obvious would look suspicious, cause outrage, and lead to a none-too-favorable outcome that Yingzi was unwilling to trigger.

A wooden comb began to brush steadily through her dark locks, and she tipped her head back with a sigh. This would undoubtedly be the final time she could indulge in such luxuries, to have another set of hands pull the teeth gently through the knots in her hair rather than undo them herself. She wanted to remember it.

Allowing her eyes to fall closed, she relaxed into Mei’s strokes and little tugs. Body melting into the seat, she let her mind wander toward her younger brother. Toward home. Toward the haggard faces she hadn’t seen in over a month, and to the mud caked walls of her house. She could smell the twang of manure in the air, and feel the texture of the straw beneath her hands as pieces fell from the roof in gentle batches, looking like snowflakes in the breeze. This was for them. Everything she had ever done was for them, or with their wellbeing in mind. Her parents had toiled laboriously to have her raised with a single goal in life: succeed in her mission on the morrow. Failing now would be downright disgraceful.

She cracked her eyes open and sat up when the comb stilled, twisting around to whisper a word of appreciation to Mei, who was bowing herself out.

The sliding of the doors came with a silence that weighed heavily on her chest. Anxiously glancing side to side, she prised open a drawer with a shaking hand, wrapping a solid object in her grip after a moment of hesitation. The smooth stone slid easily into her grasp, fitting itself snugly in the palm of her hand, and she stared down at it with apprehension in her eyes. 

“Don’t fail me,” she pleaded with the unresponsive item, raising it to her lips for a kiss wet with the drop of a single tear.

Slowly, she pushed the stone through her open lips and into her mouth, holding it between her front teeth with as much stability as she could muster. 

This is it, she thought, squeezing her eyes closed in sorrow. I’ll never look the same again.

Every waking second of her life had prepared her for the trials she had to undergo to be accepted into the group housing the fifty finest girls the empire had to offer. Each second ticked for the purpose of making her more elegant, more refined, more charming, more educated, or more beautiful. After this, she would have nothing. She would no longer have a need for grace or literacy. Her unblemished hands would come to know struggle and strife with an intimacy she had always been protected from. Her practiced sophistication would be replaced by far more practical mannerisms to do with agriculture and housework. Her life thus far would be made null.

No, it won’t, she assured herself, calling up the image of her brother. Jian will have a chance at a better life.

And with that thought, she bit down as hard as she could. 

A jolt of sharp, searing pain shot through her front tooth, and the metallic taste of blood flooded her mouth as she bit down harder, determination overriding her instinct to recoil. There was a loud crack, a gut-wrenching crunch that reverberated through her skull, and her entire world zeroed in on the throbbing ache in her mouth. Tears stinging her eyes, she yanked her hand with the object away from her mouth, careful not to let it drop. Through a blurry haze, she stumbled to the door, and, drawing on her last reserves of composure, straightened her back and flicked away the pools gathered in the corners of her eyes. Her face fell into an impassive mask as she closed her mouth and swallowed the blood, careful not to accidentally choke down the scattered pieces of tooth, then forced her movements to change swiftly from jagged to smooth through sheer focus. 

If anyone noticed her slinking outside, they didn’t comment.

Pulling forth the object of her agony, she found her way to a small pond in the courtyard, bending to present the still waters with a stone tipped in scarlet. The cool water was soothing against her trembling hands as she pressed the item under the gentle current, watching with a mix of relief and unease as tendrils of crimson swirled before dissipating into the depths. As she rinsed the stone meticulously, she spit small shards out of her mouth before tracing over the rough edge of her chipped tooth, alien against her tongue, and a stark reminder of her sacrifice.

With a final rub along the slick, gray expanse of the stone, Yingzi released it into the pond, watching with tired eyes as it sank to the bottom. She stood and returned to her bed, curling in on herself as the cool fingers of melancholy twisted along her skin and locked her in a despairing embrace.

- * -

The morning came too quickly, while the pain of the previous night did not fade quickly enough. Mei burst into the room together with the first rays of sunshine, busying herself with menial tasks that Yingzi had no interest in. Dressed in fine silk and face covered in everything from kohl to beeswax, Yingzi was sucked into Mei’s preparation of her as soon as she woke. Throughout the entire arrangement, Yingzi found herself preoccupied with the feel of her newly chipped tooth from the previous day, intermittently testing how the wound felt against various levels of pressure applied by her tongue; it was still highly sensitive to touch, and she was sure she wouldn’t survive the pain of eating breakfast. To add to her problems, she needed to take care that the only person who would see it would be the emperor, who she had to ensure would only see it for an instant. 

She was tight-lipped the entire morning, to the point it drove Mei into a state of worry for her wellbeing. She explained it away as simply her nerves, careful to open her mouth only the barest amount.

The time to meet the emperor arrived much too early for Yingzi’s tastes, but she bottled all her feelings of dejection in favor of maintaining the cool facade of a respectful young woman. She calmed herself with the thought that with forty-nine other gorgeous girls, it couldn’t be too difficult a task to convince the emperor to pick three that were not herself. 

This was what she had been waiting for her entire childhood. Get this right, and her life would fall into place like pieces of a puzzle.

She took a deep breath and strategically placed herself in the array beside two of the most likely candidates to be picked by the emperor, nearer to the center than to the edges, so as not to draw excess attention. Standing just one step too far back to be perfectly in line with the rest of the girls, she hoped the difference would speak to his subconscious in a way either displeasing or irritating, too subtle to register with one’s own mind, but an easy piece of body language to naturally take into account.

This was it. There was not much left to do aside from exert patience. She had done everything in her power to ensure the outcomes would fall in her favor, endeavoring her whole life to get bring her to the point when she could appear before the emperor as one of the most eligible candidates for Empress in the empire.

Wait—

Scanning the courtyard with learned precision as the Emperor began his walk down the lines of girls, she took every detail of his actions into account.

Watch—

He approached her from the right and she bowed her head just a beat too quickly, mouth parted just a little too much, and lips revealing just enough to show the chip in her tooth make way for a small, gaping darkness where there should have been white.

React.

- * -

“As one of the final fifty girls chosen as eligible women, you have been given the choice to either remain in the Forbidden City as one of the emperor’s concubines, or return to your family with the following sum of money,” the woman slid a piece of paper across the table.

Eyes darting across the page, it took everything in her not to gasp at the large number. Relief rushed through her at the thought that it was enough. She had done enough. She would be able to proudly return home to her family, hand the money to her younger brother with a smile on her face, and—

“I would like to return home to my family.”

“Very well. You will be sent home tomorrow, so if there are any preparations you must make prior to your departure, please have them completed by dawn.”

—and with the future of her family secured, she now wondered only what would become of her.