Hamlet and Referee

1748- 'Word' Wordcount.

HAMLET AND REFEREE

SCENE ONE: INT. A TRADITIONAL PRODUCTION OF 'HAMLET', BY WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE, IS UNDERWAY.

WITHIN THE PLAY INT. NIGHT. BACKGROUND IS 'CASTLE BATTLEMENTS'.  

Enter HAMLET. Dressed in black, at back of stage. He carries a skull. We feel the actor, glorying in the role. His big chance to score with the audience. He moves forwards as he speaks, addressing the skull, as well as the audience. 

HAMLET:

To be or not to be - That is the question.

Whether it is nobler in the mind to suffer

FX. A Whistle blows. 

HAMLET:

The slings and arrows

FX A Whistle blows again.

HAMLET:

Of outrageous Fortune, or

Enter REFEREE. Dressed in black football gear. He circles Hamlet and blows his whistle again. Hamlet ignores him: this is his big soliloquy. 

HAMLET:

To take arms against a sea of TROUBLES!

HAMLET turns his attention away from skull and onto REFEREE. 

HAMLET:

(Stage whispers) Get off!

REFEREE:

(REFEREE holds up a yellow card)

Offside!

HAMLET:

What! 

 Referee shows Yellow card to audience. Then blows whistle right into Hamlet's ear. 

REFEREE:

Offside, son. 

HAMLET:

Eh? What is?

REFEREE:

You is. That 'To be or not' thingy. 

HAMLET:

That's what I'm supposed to say.

REFEREE:

But not like the way you were doing it. Foul play. 'Advancing towards an audience without due care and attention'  You'll fall off the stage going like that. The audience might not be insured. You didn't even look at them. All you were bothered with was that skull. 

To mitigate his offence, Hamlet puts the skull down. 

REFEREE

Bit Late for that. You, sunshine were definitely a threat to the front row. Look at them . Not a smile anywhere.  No, no you're going in the book. 

REFEREE put away Yellow card: takes out pencil and notebook. Gets ready to write. 

REFEREE:

Name?

HAMLET:

What!

REFEREE:

Come on son.  We've a play to get on with.

HAMLET:

Don't you know?!!

Referee indicates his notebook. 

HAMLET:

Very well. I am the Prince of Denmark.

REFEREE:

Not your position. Your actual name. 

HAMLET:

 Hamlet. Hamlet. Hamlet!!

(REFEREE stands patient in front of this petulant outbreak. Mouths as he writes, in  a notebook. "Hamlet Prince of Denmark". Stops and thinking says:

REFEREE;

You sure, son? If you tell me fibs, when I'm doing my job, it won't go well for you. Team sheet says a name different from 'Hamlet'. Now, let's try again. Name?

HAMLET:

Brian Gilchrist. 

REFEREE:

Better. Hang on. You said your name was 'Hamlet'.

HAMLET:

Look, my real name is Tom Smith. My agent didn't think that would work, so my stage name is Brian Gilchrist. 

REFEREE:

Ah, right. And the character you are playing is called "Hamlet'. That's why you've got three names. 

 HAMLET:

  Yes. Now I dwell on my father's murder.

REFEREE:

Your father was murdered!

HAMLET

Hamlet's father was murdered.

REFEREE:

I thought you were Hamlet.

HAMLET:

I am.

REFEREE:

Then your father was murdered.

HAMLET:

In the play. Only. Well. For revenge, do I kill King Claudius-incidently my uncle.

 REFEREE:

You are going to kill your uncle , Brian? 

  HAMLET:

 I'm not: no. But Hamlet might. 

REFEREE:

Why should Hamlet kill your uncle, Brian?

HAMLET:

No, no. Hamlet might kill his own uncle. Not mine. We kill only our own uncles!

REFEREE: Killing your uncle is a serious offense, Brian. You could be suspended for the whole season. Besides, you said you were Hamlet.

  HAMLET:

   Yes.  But I only might kill my uncle. Hamlet's Uncle -Not Brian's. Confusing isn't it? One way to resolve this is to take myself out of this problem with a stab to my chest.  That's where the "To be... etcetra" comes in.' I'm telling the audience about it.

REFEREE:

Hmmm...Very tricky, Brian. Still, 'Hamlet' - Kill yourself by all means, mate. But you can't take the front row with you. Offside! Deffo!! 

REFEREE blows whistle. He points to the back of the stage! Reluctantly HAMLET walks sulking to the back. 

SCENE TWO. SAME: CONTINUOUS. 

HAMLET on stage. REFEREE Keeps next to him. 

HAMLET is less Internal in the next speech.  He indicates the top half of himself, glorying in attributes like thought and physical movement. However, he keeps glancing at REFEREE  to show he isn't moving forward. He may get carried away and put a toe in front but he will quickly retreat this. He doesn't want to get caught twice.

HAMLET:

What a piece of work is a man, how noble in reason, how

infinite in faculties, in form and moving how express and

admirable, in action how like an angel, in apprehension -

Referee blows whistle.

HAMLET:

What! I'm at the back.

REFEREE:

'Inappropriate use of the Bard.'

HAMLET:

Huh?

REFEREE:

Well now. You could have done that bit again. That "To be or the other way round" speech. Properly this time . Or you could have carried on from  where you were in the play.   But you've gone straight into Act Five. You've jumped.  Not fair on Mr. Shakespeare, who probably spent a whole evening writing that Act. 

HAMLET:

I was making up for lost time. You interrupted my solo. I went beyond last time to keep it moving. They ( Indicates audience) don't want to be here all night. 

REFEREE:

Not upto you, is it, Brian? Shakespeare is the writer on this gig. Not some actor. Yellow card!

HAMLET:

What!

REFEREE:

Clear Offense.  "Inappropriate use of The Bard."

HAMLET:

You put me off!

REFEREE:

I can't help it if you're having a bad game, son. 

Referee takes out a yellow card. As this is his second offence, it is followed by a red. Referee notes in his book.

REFEREE:  

OFF!

SCENE THREE. CONTINUOUS.

HAMLET MOVES MOST RELUCTANTLY TOWARDS THE EXIT. HE SHUFFLES BACK TO COLLECT HIS SKULL.  REFEREE IS PATIENT.

HAMLET:

You can't have "Hamlet" without 'The Prince'. The play will stop. 

REFEREE:

Bring on your subs. 

HAMLET:

We can't afford any!

Hamlet sulks towards the exit. As he is going, he glares at REFEREE as the worst rule-keeper ever. HAMLET turns his skull to the Ref. Points to the ref, then the skull. 'That will be you, one day,mate.' meaning.  Exits.

REFEREE;

Right. You're suspended. I'm Taking this to the Video Assistant Referee.

REFEREE Talks to high above.

REFEREE: 

Mr. Shakespeare. Calling William Shakespeare. William Shakespeare. Come in please? Over.

Sound only for Voice of Shakespeare.  Preferably to be played by the actor who has been our "Hamlet'. He never appears.

VOICE OF SHAKESPEARE:

Yes?

REFEREE:

Situation grave. We've lost "Hamlet".  Can't finish. What now? Over. 

VOICE OF SHAKESPEARE:

You do it.

REFEREE:

Me? Over. 

VOICE OF SHAKESPEARE:

 Yes, Ref. You! No-one else around, is there?

REFEREE:

No. But... Me?  I mean I do the judging. Not the actoring. I mean... I couldn't...could I?  It's a big part and I haven't...Noone else. Very well...Could I?...Er..., well...Right, then. Ok. Stand back everybody. Here I come! Over. 

VOICE OF SHAKESPEARE: 

'Hamlet.' Yes, I remember. Words , words, words. Too many. I was thinking of a re-write but Mr.Fletcher insisted on staging as was. I always fancied 'Hamlet' as an experimental mime-show. 

 REFEREE:

What about the other parts? 

VOICE OF SHAKESPEARE:

Do them too. Theatrical breakthrough- A One Man, mimed "Hamlet' BAFTA Material! I'll tell and you show.

REFEREE takes up a stance like an athlete on blocks before a race.

VOICE OF SHAKESPEARE:

Ophelia, Hamlet's beloved , maddened by Hamlet's cruelty, drowns herself. 

REFEREE speeds out of the blocks. Runs forward, and 'sees' a river. Stops. With arm to forehead to express emotional pain (he isn't the best actor), he 'jumps into the river'. He makes gurgling sounds, as bathwater going down. He gets out. He looks skywards as if for approval. That wasn't too bad. He drys himself off with an imaginary towel. 

VOICE OF SHAKESPEARE:

Laertes, Ophelia's brother, holds Hamlet responsible. They duel with rapiers. 

REFEREE Fights a duel. He plays both parts. Eventually he 'dies'. 

VOICE OF SHAKESPEARE:

Hamlet realises that-

REFEREE still 'dead'. Doesn't follow Shakespeare is telling him to get up. 

VOICE OF SHAKESPEARE:

Hamlet realises that- 

REFEREE Still 'dead.

VOICE OF SHAKESPEARE:

Hamlet realises that- Get up. Oh get up, do!

REFEREE:

Can't. I'm dead.

VOICE OF SHAKESPEARE:

No. You're not!

REFEREE:

No; I'm not really dead. I'm actoring. You've really got to live your part.  So I'm dead. 

VOICE OF SHAKESPEARE:

Er... You are very good at being dead. An excellent corpse. 

REFEREE:

Think so? Really. 

VOICE OF SHAKESPEARE:

 Going green before our eyes. Just one thing. Laertes is the dead one: Hamlet is the live one and we need you back.

REFEREE:

OOOhh. I've got more stageifying to do then. Right ho!

REFEREE acts as if the gym. Prep for the next section. Press-ups, imaginary weightlifting. (Improv.this; enjoy it.)

VOICE OF SHAKESPEARE:

Hamlet realises that he must avenge the death of his father and he kills his murderer- King Claudius.  Uncle Claudius.

REFEREE smiles upwards. " I get the uncle bit' now.

REFEREE finds himself in a 'Godfather' movie. That is, he imagines he is wearing a suit and takes a revolver from and inside pocket. He fills 'Claudius' full of lead. He looks skywards for approval. Slowly it dawns on him that he should be in a Renaissance piece without a gun. He draws a cavalry sword from its sheath and stabs 'Claudius, tentatively. Again he looks skywards for approval.

VOICE OF SHAKESPEARE:

 And?

REFEREE performs "corny" death of Claudius. As Claudius is King, there may be business with the crown. Spin it on hands , roll it around.  Crown gets out of reach, etc. When done:

VOICE OF SHAKESPEARE:

In the fight Hamlet has been stabbed by a poisoned sword ,which slowly overtakes him. For refreshment he drinks, but the  chalice is poisoned too. Hamlet is dying:

REFEREE:

What's my motivation here?

VOICE OF SHAKESPEARE:

Pardon?

REFEREE:

Is he dying of being poisoned or stabbed to death? 

VOICE OF SHAKESPEARE:

Either. Both. I don't know. You decide. 

 REFEREE does a combination of grand stomach upsets and being stabbed in various places. It grows until he is most confused.

REFEREE:

I don't know. I just don't know. 

VOICE OF SHAKESPEARE:

That's right. That's "Hamlet'. He Can't Make Up His Mind. You've caught the character. Bravo!

REFEREE is delighted.

 In celebration, he blows his Referee whistle and 'drops dead' cleanly, without fuss or poor acting.

Then stands.

 REFEREE:

All Dead! Full Time!

REFREE says farewell to the audience. Simple and straightforward. 

REFEREE:

When you are one nil up or you're three nil down,

When some poor villain steals your noble crown

Don't think, "Here's destruction": we're all fated,

Bounce back from being rel-e-gated. 

At play's conclusion, by your hands we're fêted. 

If doomed by critics, we're rott-enly slated. 

We sing you ,'Good night" from Els-i-nore,

Safe journey home: come back for more!

Instinctively, REFEREE wants to move forwards on last verse.

Then remembers that moving forwards when speaking could be a sending off offence. He indicates ' You don't catch me out': stops and smiles to self, then to all. He's had a good time.

Lights Fade.

He bows.

END.