He Said, She Said

"Is this where we line up?”

“Wee line up? Are you referring to people experiencing short stature?”

“No, no. I want to know if this is where we line up. As in us. As in people.”

“Yes. Individuals are lining up here for appraisals.”

“I can’t wait to see if my old stuff is worth anything.”

“You mean your mature stuff.”

“No, I didn’t bring anything naughty. Why would I do that?”

“I don’t mean mature as in alternative morality. Mature is how people today refer to things that are no longer new.”

“Right. Old. No longer new means old.”

“We don’t say old anymore. Old might send a potentially harmful message. Some may consider the word offensive.”

“But mature isn’t clear.”

“But mature isn't abusive. Now tell me. What have you brought to be appraised?”

“My pronouns. He and him.”

“Oh, we have a glut of those on the market. No one wants seems to want patriarchal leftovers.”

“Well, I’ve been storing them in my attic, waiting for the right time to dust them off.”

“So you have nothing of value for the contemporary market?”

“Yes. I do have two things of value. He and him.”

“Those types of pronouns aren’t in fashion anymore, I’m afraid. Some people view them as being simultaneously useless and threatening.”

“How so? He and him have been useful for millennia.”

“I regret to tell you this, but binary pronouns have no value.”

"That's where you're wrong. This is a vintage he. It was passed down from my grandfather to my father to me. I was thinking of passing it down to my son, but I'm not sure he’ll want it.”

"Oh, I see. It's one of those he's.”

“Those he’s?”

“Yes, we don’t see many of them anymore. Of course, they are still in use in the suburbs and exurbs, but people are encouraged to hide them away where no one can find them and hurt themselves. Pronouns can be very dangerous.”

“But are they valuable?”

“Well, that depends.”

“On what?”

“On your perspective.”

“Come again?”

“Antique pronouns are a little like baseball cards.”

“Baseball cards?”

“Yes, baseball cards. Do you know which baseball card has the highest value?”

“I haven’t the slightest idea.”

“It’s the 1952 Topps Mickey Mantle card. One sold at auction for over $12,000,000.”

“Wow!”

“Yes, wow! But let's say you could reproduce that card. Would that card be worth $12,000,000?”

“Of course not.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s not real. It’s a fake—a counterfeit.”

“Exactly, but what if a law were passed where everyone had to value all the reproductions exactly the same as if they were originals? What then? Would the reproductions then be worth $12,000,000?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think so.”

“Your instincts are correct. If the originals and the fakes had to be valued the same, the originals would lose all value.”

“So my pronouns are worthless?”

“Not exactly. They’re just valuable to certain collectors. The problem is no one is collecting those sorts of baseball cards if you know what I mean.”

“I have no idea what you mean.”

“He and him are relics of an age gone by. Today’s pronouns are more fluid, original, exciting!”

“What was wrong with mature pronouns?”

“As I mentioned before, they are seen as being too descriptive. No one prefers descriptive language anymore. Have you tried ze and zir?”

“Ze and zir?”

“Or hir. It’s really up to you.”

“What do ze and zir and hir refer to?”

“Nothing and everything, which is entirely the point. Why be exclusive when you can be inclusive? Why indicate something when you can reference everything?”

“Isn’t that confusing?”

“Maybe for people of a certain age. You could trade in your he and him, if you’d like. Try per and pers instead. Or maybe you'd like xe and xem? If you want to talk to a younger crowd, you’ll find yourself much more relevant.”

“But you’re an appraiser, not a linguist.”

“I am. What’s your point?”

“You make your living by putting a value on items.”

“I do, and I’m quite good at it.”

“So why are you suggesting that I devalue something that has held great value over a long period of time?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, pronouns used to be valuable. They allowed us to communicate quickly and effectively.”

“And?”

“And isn’t their value the exact reason they have been co-opted?”

“Now I don’t understand.”

“He used to mean something when it meant something.”

“But those she’s might be he’s.”

“She’s are he’s? Are you listening to yourself?”

“Yes, some she’s now are he’s and likewise he’s are she’s or even they’s. It’s the new normal.”

“But doesn’t that make it all a muddle? Come to think of it—maybe they’re only he’s because we decide he’s are he’s. But now I am confusing myself. Can I still say I?”

“You may. But you don’t have to. You can go pronoun-free and simply refer to yourself in the third person.”

“Perhaps we shouldn’t use pronouns at all since they no longer have value in today’s economy.”

“That’s exactly what I’m supposed to tell you. I’m supposed to tell you to take those relics of a simpler time and burn them with the pile of dead leaves in your backyard.”

“That’s what you’re supposed to tell me?”

“It is.”

“Then are my mature, specific, rock-solid pronouns worth anything?”

“You didn’t hear it from me, but they most assuredly are. Pass them down proudly to your son. As for myself, I’m keeping a few she’s and her’s for my own daughter. She may not want them, but they’ll be ready for her when she does."

"Do you think pronouns will regain their value in time?"

"Of course. Things go in and out of fashion, but the classics remain. I would be bold enough to suggest that you hang on to all of your old pronouns.”

“So what do you think they’ll be worth in the future?”

“Hard to say. Few things are as priceless as clarity."