Cocoon

You know the walls can talk too. They even hear you, more so than anyone ever did .They witness your pain , your tears , your screams , your laughter, the times you hurt yourself, the times you tried to die . They know everything about you. Being confined in one single place used to be so suffocating for me but now after all this time , these four walls somehow became my haven, the cocoon where I feel a lot more safe than anywhere else. It’s been quite some time , a year now. Life wasn’t always like this, I  used to be outgoing ,carefree . I  never envisioned my future like this, but you don’t always get what you wish for. It all started…

“May be you should stay in today , I mean it wouldn’t hurt to stay at home just for a day now would it? “ Nia , my best friend / roommate said. “But it would , I will probably die of boredom or rather kill myself . Please for the love of God , let me go.”

“Oh God , you drama queen , fine go, but take care , I just have a bad gut feeling.”

“Okay mamma bear , chill , bye now .”

 I left the house and that’s it , that is all I remember. I don’t know how I came here , what happened, I remember nothing. Zilch. It’s like I had a total blackout or something. I tried to find the light but there isn’t any .I can hear the voices around me, but I can’t see the source . It’s all so dark . My eyes are open but I cannot see . I felt someone touching me, saying something to me, but I don’t know who. Someone is in hysterics , someone is crying but I can’t  see who. And suddenly, I realized that there is no dark around but in my eyes . It is me who cannot see . These people around me are my family and friends.

Soon I was told how I met with an accident and lost my vision. Good thing is that it’s temporary and bad is that no one knows when my sight  will return.

I am going back home to live with my parents. They are both teachers and as  much as they want to stay at home with me , they can’t because- 1 ) they have jobs and 2) I told them not to. I don’t want to burden them with my life , so it is going to be just me in the confines of these four walls of my childhood bedrooms and my loneliness . And of course the cook ,occasionally. My life has completely changed, for better or for worse, only time will tell.

MONTH-1

It’s all a total disaster. I can’t do anything on my own without hurting myself in one way or the other. I cannot go out, watch television or do anything else for that matter.

“Do you need help with anything honey?”

“No ma, I am good.”

No I am not good, I am practically invalid. I want to scream , I want to cry . All I have around me is darkness. I just don’t know what I am going to do now.

MONTH-2

This month is going a little better. I learned to do a few things on my own , like going to washroom without bumping into things , eating food without spilling it. I spend most of my time listening to music and audio books. I still can’t go outside the room though, because my parents think that I would hurt myself. I can’t really blame them.

MONTH-3

I don’t know how am feeling right now. On some days I wake up all energized while on the other days I am just sad and frustrated and of course there are few days when I am just numb. I don’t feel anything. A few of my childhood friends came to visit me but when you are blind, you don’t have much to talk about. Also I think I am falling out with my best friend. We talk sometimes but… maybe I am just over thinking things.

MONTH-4

Yaaa, so I think I don’t have a best friend anymore. No we didn’t officially “break up” but I haven’t talked to her in a while and the last time we talked, she was somehow a different person. I don’t blame her though. Nobody wants a blind burden as a best friend. So that’s my highlight of the month and apart from that I am just spiraling .There is this void and it is making it so difficult to breathe. To sum up, I am depressed.

MONTH-5

It has been raining outside for past few days. I love rains or rather I used to love them. I was the kid who would always go and drench herself in the rain. But now I can just listen to it. I used to love how all the people would rush here and there in their different colored umbrellas like a blended mesh of assorted colors. But there are no colors now. This constant patter used to sooth me but now its not enough to sooth the havoc , the chaos in my heart.

MONTH-6

I don’t even feel anything anymore.

MONTH-7

These walls are haunting me. This darkness is dragging me to an even darker abyss. There is a void calling me.

MONTH-8

It’s my birthday month . I used to love it but now I am strictly grounded. So apparently when you try to kill your self with the overdose of your medicines, make sure your parents are not around and please don’t bump into nightstand and break your legs. So now I am going to be in my room as always but probably on my bed with my mother keeping an eye on me. Peace .

MONTH-9

Well since I am still on bed rest, I decided to do something productive. I decided that it this is going to be my life , I should probably learn to start living with it and be happy too. I am going to join an online art class for blind students. Well you actually need someone’s help to do this online , so my best friend( yes , after my failed suicide attempt , we made up) is going to stay and help me with it.

MONTH-10

Art is difficult.

MONTH-11

Art is still difficult but I am enjoying it too much. People around me are saying that the paintings I made are really pretty but I cannot say for sure. I really hope they are good or I could always blame it on the blindness. What? Well since I have it , I could always joke about it. Perks. And yes I went to the doctor but there is still no improvement. But I don’t feel too heartbroken about it, which is a good thing. Also I can finally move without crutches.

MONTH-12



I can’t believe it has been an year already. This year was a whirlwind of emotions for me but finally I am now at a good place. You know the walls can talk too. They even hear you, more so than anyone ever did .They witness your pain , your tears , your screams , your laughter, the times you hurt yourself, the times you tried to die . They know everything about you. Being confined in one single place used to be so suffocating for me but now after all this time , these four walls somehow became my haven, the cocoon where I feel a lot more safe than anywhere else. Life wasn’t always like this, I  used to be outgoing ,carefree . I  never envisioned my future like this, but you don’t always get what you wish for. Today , after a whole year, I am finally going to leave the confines of this room. I am scared but I am happy too.

I don’t know what turn my life will take. I don’t even know if I would ever be able to see but I for the fact know that I am ready for whatever my life throws at me.