I Will Never Have You, and That is Okay

We met during a time that most considered the end of the world, but because of you, I considered it just the beginning. You had your odd ways and quirks, you would wear your pants low and would never take off your beanie, and for some reason, you never did any of the classwork. You would submit everything on time or a couple of days late but refused to do work in class, instead, you would lounge in your chair and pester me to explain the assignments. I would explain, at first because I did not know how to say no and then it was because I could not say no to you. I would not say no to you for anything back then.

Months went by, the school year ended and the summer holidays began. I would search for you in crowds at the mall when I was with my grandmother, and wait for a post on social media when I was with my cousins, I would hope you did not forget me as another faceless peer in the crowd as so many countless others had in the past. There were never days I went to bed without you on my mind, and my days always began thinking of you.

I bought clothes while keeping in mind the colours you liked, and I always hoped for a compliment when summer ended and school started again. I remember trying to picture your face whenever others said that I looked beautiful, I wondered if you would agree. I would always go to the men’s section at all the stores I went to, looking for things you would have liked. I never had the courage to buy them, I did not think you would want them if I ever did.

Schools started, and you were the only reason I felt so excited to return. I told my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins all about you. I would tell the same thing to the same person over and over again, on purpose. My friend liked you too, and I was originally happy about that. I was glad someone else appreciated you the way I did. I was excited to tell her all about you, but I did not know that those next few months would be a horror for me.

When you started liking that girl that was a year older than us, I was happy. She was beautiful, smart, and sweet. She was Muslim like me and that gave me hope that one day you would give me a chance despite the difference in religion. She made you laugh so wholeheartedly, I loved your laugh and always prayed that you would not mind mine. I would excitedly tell my friend all about her, and your feelings for her. I did not realize that unlike me, others were capable of acting violently out of jealousy.

My so-called friend would not hurt your crush, she hurt me instead. She would slap me, push me, scratch me, and bruise me. Every day that you saw me with red eyes was because of her, and I did not tell you because I was scared that you would not care. Every day I was close to tears, my friend tortured me and I was not happy seeing you with the girl you liked anymore. My friend's jealousy had spread to me, and that ugly green emotion made me constantly sick. I cried myself to sleep for nights on end on the days that you did not acknowledge me and would be bursting with happiness at a single glance.

That day you confessed to the girl who was your whole world was the same day that I made you cookies. You had told me your plan and wanted to give her something as a gift. When you asked me what the perfect gift would be, I told you something sweet. You did not have money, and Christmas was a couple of days away. So I stayed up all night baking her favourite cookies and decorating them with little red hearts. When you were rejected, a surge of relief had run its course through me. The guilt I felt that night for being relieved at your heart being broken kept me awake in tears till morning.

When I told my friend what happened to you, she laughed in joy. I only felt worse, and when she told me she would confess that day, I only sighed and excepted that I never had a chance. I only told her to wait until you got over the girl you liked because I did not want my friend to feel the heartbreak you did. She called me jealous and said that I was only trying to make an opportunity for myself. She ended up listening to my advice, but a few days later you learned of her feelings.

Your sister shares a class with me and my friend. She hears my friend loudly obsessing over you, loudly promising to date you one day. Your sister does not like my friend, and I do not blame her. By then you stopped talking to me, you assumed I only approached you for my friend. I wished I could tell you that I only approached you for myself. I wished you would talk to me again, look at me, I begged in my heart for a single smile. The semester ended, and I prayed for you to be in my new classes.

My prayers were answered, we share a class, and now you sit beside me. I steal glances at you, albeit guiltily. I feel like a cheater for briefly liking your friend for a little while. I broke off my friendship with that jealous girl that made you feel so uncomfortable and unsafe. Your sister had told me in the past that she was afraid my friend would steal you away. I heard about the incident where a girl found out where you lived and tried to climb in through your window and prayed you were safe. You talk to me again, so that makes my days better.

Although those feelings for your friend make me feel guilty, the situation helped me mature and grow. I know I am not perfect, and that neither are you. I know you will not look at me, I accept that I am not the kind of girl you want. You want girls that like weed and sex, and I like and honour my religious and traditional background. I do think I would have been a great girl for you to have by your side, if not now then maybe in another life.