Family Essentials

   Family Essentials

Suzanne Marsh

“It can’t be that time of the year already!”

“Yep, it is. Who are we inviting to Thanksgiving this year?”

“I don’t suppose we could forget to invite at least Aunt Martha and Uncle Clyde?”

“No, now honey, come on, if we don’t invite them, we will never hear the end of it

from my mother.”

“I know, Aunt Martha is your mother’s sister.”

This conversation has taken place every year since my husband and I got married twenty-five years ago. The very thought of having to plan Thanksgiving and which relative to sit where is pain in the backside. Our very first Thanksgiving in our first home was just an indication of the worse to come. I remember it very clearly. My mother and father did not like my husband or his family. Mother was unwilling to come till father put his foot down, it was for Millie not for Jace my husband or Melvin and Myrtle. It was a nightmare, if you can have one during the daylight hours. I seated Sandy, my mother next to Melvin, Jace’s father. Myrtle, Jack's mother was seated nest to my father Bill. You would have thought that six adults could manage a simple conversation at the dinner table…. not this family.

The dinner began with Myrtle saying the gravy was lumpy and the dressing unpalatable. Not to be out done my mother told Myrtle to stop picking on me, this was my first attempt. The next thing I knew, Melvin and Myrtle were storming out of the house, I was in tears, Jace was trying to keep me calm while my mom and dad cleared the table.

Through the years when we have family gatherings, we invite everyone, this year I would like to just hide under the table and listen without having to deal with the relatives, of course the likelihood of a peaceful Thanksgiving Day dinner is just a fleeting thought. I had to run through the list of who will sit next to who and who doesn’t like who. What I would not give for a peaceful Thanksgiving, just once, the only way that would work is when all the relatives have gone to their final reward.

I had to be certain Aunt Mabel and Uncle Gerald sat further down from Uncle Fred and Aunt Tillie. Last year dinner began on a rather sour note, Aunt Mabel was hitting Uncle Fred with her elbow. That started Aunt Mabel yelling, Aunt Tillie pointed out to Aunt Mabel if she kept her fat elbows to herself Uncle Fred would not be complaining. My father told them to stop the name calling, it wasn’t necessary. They quieted down and Uncle Jack and Aunt Mel started in:

“Hubert, for heaven's sake chew more quietly!” Exclaimed Aunt Mel. Uncle Hubert was seated next Aunt Mel, his wife Aunt Laticia was seated next to him Latica, never one to back down yelled:

“He has to chew his food you miserable old biddy.”

I thought for sure they were going get physical, pulling hair has become an annual event at our

Thanksgiving Day dinners.

The largest problem for dinner this Thanksgiving was where to put Aunt Martha and Uncle Clyde. Aunt Martha is my mother’s sister, she is also very insulting and at times causes arguments with whomever she is seated near or next to. I suppose it depends on the victim; she has in sights. I have no idea why she is that way, my mother is a saint compared to her. I have been considering how and where to place the two of them. Uncle Clyde loves to stick hot coffee spoons on arms and legs, why? I asked my mother her reply still makes me wonder:

“He loves to hear the exclamations of ‘oh my’ or don’t do that. My favorite is

when he places a hot spoon on Martha’s thigh, she screams, and he laughs.”

I am still scratching my head about that particular piece of information. One never knows what one is going to have to deal with, so what happened this past year? That is a question for an expert in psychology, so I asked a friend of mine from college to please come. Patty, loved parties, even more she was always interested in dysfunctional family events. Well, this one would be one for the books.

Thanksgiving Day dawned with a gray overcast sky, it sort of set the mood for the rest of the day. My mother and father arrived early to aide me place settings, and all the other assorted things, that must be done before the guests arrived.

Mother helped me set up several card tables, our long mahogany table, chairs. Then we set out the good China, and silverware. The tablecloths had turkeys, autumn leaves, on a white background. Everything was fine, until Aunt Martha and Uncle Clyde arrived early. Uncle Clyde brought Beelzebub, their white teacup poodle. Things went to hell in a hand basket from that time on. Beelzebub, peed on my white rug, I ran to get something to clean it up with, I had twenty-five people coming. Neither apologized, I was already thinking of places I would like to escape to rather than face the battle was brewing here.

It did not take long, Uncle Fred and Aunt Tillie, arrived, with a beautiful sweet potato pie. It was beautiful until Beelzebub tripped Uncle Fred, who took a nosedive attempting to hold onto the pie. I grabbed the pie and fled to the kitchen, Jace, was already seeking shelter, knowing that this was just the beginning. Uncle Fred shouted:

“Clyde, you and the damn dumb dog, why didn’t you leave him home, where he should be?”

Clyde, never one to be out shouted turned and faced Uncle Fred:

“I don’t hear Cindy complaining.”

“You damn fool, she is one who has to clean up after that mutt!”

That got Aunt Martha started:

“How dare you talk to Clyde like that!”

Clyde smirked however Aunt Tillie decided she had endured enough from these two:

“Oh shut up, Clyde and you to Martha, for once can’t we just have,,,”

Aunt Martha started swinging, she punched Uncle Fred in the nose. Not to be out done Aunt Tillie, gave Aunt Martha’s hair a hard yank! That made Aunt Martha howl, so Beelzebub bit Aunt Tillie. The one card table collapsed, China flew everywhere.

I wanted to cry, another Thanksgiving dinner ruined, I had thought of hiding out in the kitchen but Jace, the chicken liver appeared, cell phone in hand:

“I called the police; they will be here shortly. This is the last Thanksgiving dinner in our home until the who bunch of you learn to get along. I made it to the kitchen, gradually, inching my way out onto the patio, I needed time to collect my thoughts.

The police arrived, Uncle Clyde and Aunt Martha received summons to appear before a judge because Beelzebub had bitten Aunt Tillie. Uncle Fred began to help pick up the china, several dishes were broken. Aunt Tillie, and my mother went into the kitchen to attempt to salvage what was left of the dinner.

Next year it will be just Jace and I at Thanksgiving, no more family gatherings for us!