The Genesis Story of Adam and Steve (Oh…And a Few Descendants)

A newly translated story, made up by Oscar Genesis, who witnessed The Creation.



Lo and behold, in all of the endless universe, God picked one of the tiniest specks of dirt in the corner of one of billions of galaxies to experiment secretly in order to look perfect in later public performances.

And God called it “Earth.”

After God created seven days and nights and bunches of plants and animals, He created Adam out of dust as a teeny tiny miniature image of Himself.

And God was pleased.

God dropped Adam into a sort of paradise called Eden.

God twiddled his thumbs for a while to see what Adam would do with himself, which, of course, turned out to not be so good. Other than eating them, Adam was not communicating well with the other animals - gnus, dinosaurs, sloths, walruses, etc. - and was thus becoming schizoid. So God thought He had better conjure up another human. God made it easy for Himself by cloning another human out of Adam’s rib bone.

And Adam called him “Steve.”

And God was ambivalent.

In the beginning and even later, the two genderless humanoids, Adam and Steve, who having been born adult without parental guidance and having failed to attend school, were so crudely ill-mannered and ignorant that they fought with each other most of the time over who was going to sit on a rock or clean up the poop; one of the other was always stepping in it barefoot. And they never bathed.

Although the odor was not worse than the warthogs’, warthogs were not God’s intimate twin. And although today you might hear women making some snide remark concerning men’s lack of cleanliness, at the time, there were no women to remark. Only Adam and Steve. And warthogs.

So there!

But, they were stinking up little Eden to such a degree that God knew He had to take action. The lack of women, or any gender available to these two beings, is probably the reason God cooked up His sneaky apple-tree plan.

·       As an aside, it should be pointed out that the fruit tree in the more popular story was probably not an apple tree when we consider the climate in the region, but the story sounds snappier with apples rather than pomegranate seeds. So we’ll go with apples.

·       Secondly, it is probably best to put the kibosh on the reader’s idea that there is a link between Steve and the apples in this story and the Steve and Apple centuries later.

·       Thirdly, despite the progenitive misnomer, calling them “boys” is…well…clearer than saying “Its will be its.”

Back to the story of God's crafty plan, God knew boys would be boys. He figured that if He tempted them with something, God could amuse Himself with a little fun game over a period of time, even if time didn’t exist yet. So God laid out this three-part plan:

1.     He created a fruit tree with educational hormones in the fruit and planted it smack in the center of Eden.

2.     He injected some sort of language into a snake, even if God didn’t have the foggiest idea what language could have been effective communication between these uneducated humanoids and a snake.

3.     Despite the language question, God somehow explicitly told the boys that they must not eat fruit from that tree.

God figured, of course, that, since He had forbidden it, the first thing those boys would do was go try the fruit.

But, God goofed.

God had forgotten to make the boys like fruit. Sure, they wandered over to the tree, but they killed and ate the snake instead, in that they were language-deficient carnivores.

And God was peeved.

Once God realized the oversight, He inserted fruit-loving into Steve’s head. That’s when things began to develop, so to speak. Steve immediately skipped over to the fruit tree and began unceremoniously gobbling down apples. Soon, if not sooner, his body began to change. His chest grew two large lumps and his crotch got itchy. All the while Adam stood there gawking, until jealousy began to rise in Adam concerning Steve’s development of mysterious and interesting body parts.

Thus, Adam cast aside his disdain for fruit and he, too, munched down a couple large apples, and flexing his muscles, gave a triumphant yell while triumphantly throwing the cores  onto the earth. Sure enough, lo and behold, his crotch began to twitch.

At first, he was disappointed when his chest didn’t grow lumps, but he was amazed by the snakey thing growing on him, making him worry at first that this aberration was a result of having eaten a snake. But that fear was quickly allayed by an overriding desire to triumphantly jump on top of Steve, who, at the time, was nicely positioned on the ground checking out his new body.

Not strong in linguistics, Adam began moaning the name “Eve” or something that sounded like that, instead of “Steve,” because that sound was more “moan-able” while in a triumphant lewd position. And God saw that each of the humans liked his own new body parts and had quickly learned what to do with them, albeit unlike Adam, neo-anointed “Eve” was still mystified by her chest lumps.

And God was pleased.

God was, in fact, pleased with the humanoid adaption of what he had practiced earlier on other animals he had created. Back then, it hadn’t been long into day five before He had had to become even more and more creative in the process as He added what He thought of as progenitive automation to such things as Quahogs, Triceratops, Harlequin Bugs, Anchovies, and Fluffy-Backed-Tit-Babblers.

It was this process of “automation,” however, that motivated Him to keep going, despite all the difficulty of making things fit properly, because it relieved Him of having to Personally arrange all the multiplication of the species using the rib-bone method. With this additional function, each living creature became joyfully self-replicating.

Obviously, glitches arose in the system anyway, which were best illustrated by Eve’s giving birth to three sons - Cain, Seth, and Abel. During their newborn state, Eve had certainly been happy to finally discover the major purpose of her chest bumps.

And God was pleased.

But the whole human thing was going to come to an abrupt finale if more Eves were not begotten. God watched in horror as the three sons grew into puberty and, having no choice, started fooling around with wild boars, dingos, chimpanzees, etc., before killing them (and sometimes even after killing them) and then eating them. God knew Mama Eve was their only other option, preempting Oedipus.

And God was grieved and peeved.

So, with a fiery sword, God waved the humans out of Eden to make them all too busy to breed while He figured out a new plan. While He thought and thought, humans replicated themselves anyway, inexplicably.

And, with the inbreeding so intense, God was disturbed.

And behold! After an indeterminate time-passage filled with contemplation, lightning filled the sky as an idea struck God.

He said unto the world, “Noah! A word, ol’ buddy. Where are you, my man?” And His giggle echoed through the heavens.

However, it took God a god-awful time, close to 1,050 years, to find Noah, probably because God, having worked out how to manage life in His Secret Earth Laboratory in the far corner of the universe, was trying to set up life and its method of reproduction on other planets. Or particularly it could have been because Noah had not been born yet.

It’s a good thing Oscar Genesis was still around to record earth’s history back at this very beginning or no one would believe it. Even now, believing how long Oscar hung around is tough, until you know about the longevity of life-spans back then in the good old days. Luckily, Oscar recorded it all and, to prove it, it has been published in the Old Testament and the Tanakh.

Once God began His thousand-year search for Noah, the dread of all cryogenic engineers came true: longevity! Okay, the engineers didn’t exist yet, but the antithesis of their dreams did, along with the Greenland shark.

What sort of longevity are we talking about?

Well, to God’s irritation, Adam and Eve, after He angrily forced them out of Eden with a flaming sword, lived on like a thorn in God’s ribcage for another nine-hundred-and-thirty years and seemingly both died simultaneously in anonymity. But they had kept the doctor away by lying around eating apples and practicing birth control for one-hundred-and-twenty years before having a kid.

Seth, their son, at age 120 begat Enos who begat Cainan who begat Mahalaleel who begat Jared who begat Enoch who begat Methuselah who begat Lamech. The average lifespan of each member of this family of descendants was 904 years, except for poor Enoch who only lived 365 years.

Each of these early humans was born when their lone parent, named above, was about one-hundred-and-twenty years old. What’s with the one-hundred-and-twenty-year thing? Who knows? God works in mysterious ways.

And who knows anything about the other parent? Here Oscar Genesis fell asleep at the switch. Maybe this was the beginning of single-parenthood or seahorsey self-impregnation, but more importantly, along with longevity, birth control was at its height. Just try to find a birth control pill that lasts a hundred-and-twenty-years at the pharmacy these days.

God finally found Noah and said “Hi” without really saying much else, but Noah was flattered. So, in return, Noah pleased God for the one-hundred-and-twenty years of his pubescence by preaching repentance unto the people, and, like a MAGA-Republican of 2020 AD, happy that God was talking to him.

Dispirited by being laughed at during this evangelizing, Noah became a drunken ne’er-do-well for the rest of his nine-hundred-and-fifty years. However, at the hefty age of five-hundred, he sired his son Shem. Shem’s mother, Noah’s girlfriend wouldn’t admit her age, or even her name. Under-aged maybe? Maybe Noah wasn’t the father? That’s a whole new apple cart to upset.

Additionally, since Noah lived almost a century, he had four nameless girlfriends during his life with each giving birth to a son. We don’t know which girlfriend did the complementary sirering of Seth. Women’s rights wasn’t so great yet, so very unlike it is today in the Middle East.

Hold on a sec, Oscar! We need a break in the boredom of long life to make a short calculation. The Flood was 2348 BC. Noah was born 2950 BC.

Oh, okay. Despite having championed God’s existence for barely one-hundred-and-twenty-years of his youth, Noah was blessedly chosen by God to build The Ark at the age of six-hundred-and-two. That makes sense, being that, at that age and being a bit of a lush, Noah could be easily bamboozled. And, shrewdly, God wouldn’t mention it at the time that He really needed to wait for Noah’s sober son to get to a useful age for ark construction.

Until then, God teased Noah about whether he could manage this giant project. This made Noah drink all the more and to repeatedly tell his kids how God had arranged for seven dwarfs, named Buffy, Cuffy, Duffy, Gruffy, Huffy, and Muffy, to help build the damn thing. It was then that God realized Noah couldn’t count.

So Shem, Noah’s son, upon finally arriving to the youthful one-hundred-and-six-year-old age when he was told to help his dad build The Ark, did all the counting of cubits and probably did most of the work. After that, Shem was free to kick ass another five-hundred years doing who-knows-what, without becoming famous for anything or giving any credit to his wife Sedeqetelebab.

No, really. That was her name. After the flood, Sedeqetelebab and Shem’s descendants, averaging only 299 years of age, had a shorter time to learn to pronounce her name.

With everyone having reproductive organs combined with several hundred years to sire, there were, of course, many more offspring and lesser-known “sidespring’’. But now, finally to save you time and tedium, how about we mention only the four most famous Old Testament descendants?

Abraham lived 175 years. Isaac - 180 years. Jacob - 147 years. And finally, lo and behold, the big man Moses only 120 years.

Notice the decreasing life-span?

And, of course, through the following centuries, human lifespans got even briefer. Nevertheless, longevity being longevity, it took another eight-hundred years, after the flood, for God to get the scourge of longevity to completely die off, so to speak, to His approved level.

God never explained what that level was or why He wanted life-spans to diminish. Did we mention God works in mysterious ways? Was He seriously reconsidering his creation? Had he been so embarrassed by his mistakes in Eden that He begrudged Adam and Eve their nine-hundred-and-thirty years? It’s infernally unclear because God was so occupied with other universes at that time that He couldn’t even have helped individual soccer players score goals.

So what about The Flood? And the animals?

It's obvious that God wanted to create a distraction for some reason. He made a lot of bluster about the pending flood, saying to Noah and the neighborhood that, as much as He loved humans, He would not tolerate sin indefinitely. His bluster seemed to have an effect on all of six people in addition to Noah and Shem.

Historians will tell you that God could have been more forceful. After all, it wasn’t the first time God had banged His fist on the flood table. He had practiced the flood threat ploy earlier on the Native Americans in present-day Montana and Oregon, on Utnapishtim in Babylonia, on Enki in Mesopotamia, and on the Aztecs, the Greeks, and the Sumerians. So He had plenty of practice causing floods, and, in the meantime along the way, wiping out top soil, the dinosaurs, unicorns, evolution, and snails, although slothfully Oscar Genesis didn’t write that down.

But in truth, in Noah’s case, God didn’t want to kill off anything, having worked so hard to fit them all with reproductive organs. Although estimates from some odd people are that 35,000 creatures climbed onboard The Ark including beetles, it was equally obvious that very few large creatures would really fit on that monstrosity anyway, what with the need for food supplies, cages, fly swatters, nighttime reading scrolls and candles, underwear, beer, and fuel. No, wait. Strike the fuel!

But God knew that Noah was about as dumb as a stone tablet along with being crapulent a good part of the time, and that counting wasn’t Noah's strength. Thirty-five thousand whatever would sound just fine to Noah. Noah wasn’t even able to consider the number of tons of manure these animals would produce. Despite what the more popular story says, his girlfriend could imagine it, however, so she stayed home, disgusted with the whole shebang, and had tea with Shem’s wife, what’s-her-name.

Although the official story says they had with them every wild animal according to its kind, all livestock according to their kinds, every creature that moves along the ground according to its kind and every bird according to its kind, everything with wings, our witness, Oscar Genesis said Noah loaded on a few of his and his neighbor’s farm animals – a couple pigs, a rooster, seven cats, a dead rat, some oxen, three dromedaries, a goat, two-hundred-and-twenty-one free-range chickens, some other farmers’ flocks of sheep, and enough fleas and lice to bring the total number of creatures up to par – and, not to forget, those six other people.

Noah ignored the fish for the obvious reason that he was not aware of fish. Nor was he aware of clams, seahorses, squids, octopuses, crabs, sea turtles, whales, porpoises, sea serpents, and, of course, shark-wise, the Hammer-head, the Great White, the Basking, the Tiger, the Bull, the Mako, and 498 other shark species. And infamously not the Greenland.

Then the Lord shut him in, and the rain came down forty days and forty nights. While what the animals ate during this time on the boat may be worrisome, more importantly Noah made his son Shem shovel shit shipside, but he had to say it three times. Or at least try to.

Now stuck in the middle of this newly-created pond and, thus, unable to guide or get off the floating contraption, Noah, Shem, the half-dozen, and the animals drifted around for three-hundred-and-seventy-one days, raising the odor level in the area beyond anyone’s imagination, thus creating the Biblical phrase “to raise a stink.”

Noah, Shem, and his horde of six passengers ate the chickens first, then the pigeons, and then the dove. Raw. Along with women’s rights, salmonella wasn’t a thing then.

Because all the birds became food, the story of some bird bringing back an olive branch to prove the waters had subsided was Shem's invention to cover for his father’s ineptitude, because his father’s fantasy ship had, without any sail or engine, been blown aground on some rocks, and for which some Israelites have been hunting in vain ever since.

So, what was the purpose of the flood? It didn’t drown anything, except maybe a slow-moving mole or ground squirrel or two. Oscar Genesis said its sole purpose was to grab the headlines and distract from the declining-lifespan adjustment that God was sneaking in upon Earth under the cover of invisible omnipresence, albeit missing the Greenland shark, which had been, as usual, lazing inconspicuously deep under the polar ice at the time. Oh, and also myopically missing the transparent immortal Turritopsis dohrnii jellyfish.

More recently, because human lifespans in the last century have been increasing again, God is considering having a gigantic meteor strike the earth, the eruption of a super-volcano, or stuffing the Earth into a black hole, but has decided to try McDonalds first.

Oscar Genesis was struck by lightning and died a cruel death. Amen.