Ivona Meet Your Family

"Not it!" Brandon pressed his finger to the side of his nose so quickly that he was sure he heard a crack.

Lee sighed, eyes leaving her phone for the briefest of moments. "They're not even my kids, dude."

By the time he looked away from the road, Lee was back on her phone. Of course she was right, and Brandon hated that.

"Give it back!"

"It's mine!"

"Daddy! Liam's being an ass!"

Brandon could practically feel Lee bristle. If he kept staring at this bright red light in front of him, she's forget and the kids would come to a diplomatic solution. Absolutely.

"Brandon!" His head fell forward, almost hitting the steering wheel. He rubbed the back of his head and glared at Lee, who's eyes were wide, phone long forgotten. She thumbed over to the backseat.

"Fine." The light turned green and he shrugged. "Next light."

"I'm going to hit you again."

Brandon was weighing the options. Sure, Lee's fingers were adorned with very painful, but he couldn't find the heart to be Dad. He'd been dad-ing especially hardcore that week. Dad-ing was ridiculously difficult by yourself. He really thought it would be more tossing footballs and less wagging his finger in their general direction. Aaron had always been excellent at the finger wagging.

"What's happening back there, guys?" He indicated and turned down the familiar road.

"Liam's being an ass!"

Brandon bit his bottom lip, feeling the heavy and judgemental glare coming from his right.

"I'm blaming you for that."

"Wrongly." Brandon tapped the steering wheel, more out of nervousness than obligation to pay homage to that catchy tune on the radio. He spared a quick glance into the rearview mirror. "Why is Liam being -- what did Liam do?"

"Nothing!" Liam was curled into a ball, chin tucked into his chest and little brows furrowed.

"Alright." Brandon was trying his damnedest not to swirl around to look at them both with his stern Dad stare. You know the stare. "What didn't you do, little man?"

Brandon was closing in on Uncle Ollie's house. He set a personal timer; if he successfully solved this predicament before he pulled into his driveway, he deserved a special Dad award. A genuine Dad award -- not one of those plastic monstrosities.

"Papa gave me Red." God. Red had a personal vendetta against Brandon. This was the umpteeth time his kids had fought over him.

"Papa gave you King." Little Tanya was definitely a mini version of her Papa. There was something in the snippy tone. "Red's mine."

"Lee, text Aaron." This was a genius plan.

Lee levelled him with a look that he pretended not to notice. "Why the f--heck would I have that man's number?"

"You follow him on Instagram."

Lee released some pent-up air in a display of surrender. "He's a nuisance, but friggin' brilliant behind the camera. Not fair."

Unfortunately, Brandon didn't win the special Dad award. They ended up parked in Ollie's driveway for the good part of an hour. Red was officially declared Liam's, but not without a fight from Tanya. When the dust cleared, Brandon was ready for a nap.

"Goodbye, my babies." Lee embraced the twins.

"Now they're your babies." Brandon shook his head. "Now that they're chill."

"That's my job as the fun aunt."

"That's Will."

"You're really not my favourite person today."

"And you're just breaking my heart today." Brandon held a hand to his chest and faked being weak at the knees. He quickly recovered in order to hug his children. "Be good for Uncle Ollie."

"Why can't we come? Ivona gets to go." Tanya crossed her arms over her chest and jutted out her bottom lip. Damn, if it wasn't adorable.

"Ivona's going to meet the rest of the family. Don't you want her to meet Granny and Grampy?"

"But I want to come too."

"Me too!"

Tanya sighed. "Shut. Up. Liam."

Before the war broke out in front of him, Brandon gave them the Dad stare. The Dad stare. It gets them every time.

"When you're a little older, you can come spend New Year's with us. But for now, take care of ol' fragile Uncle Ollie."

“Get in your car before I hit you with this newspaper.” Brandon jumped, looking up at Ollie. Decked in slippers, pyjamas and a dress robe, he looked much older than he really was.

When it came to Uncle Ollie, your best bet was always to run away. He was amazingly spry for his age, but easily bored. So, Brandon gave one last hug before he and Lee got back in the car and drove off.

“So—“ They hadn’t been sitting in the car longer than five minutes and Lee was already smirking. “Ivona’s meeting the family? And for New Year’s? You must really like her.”

“We’ve been dating for two months. I think it’s time she met the family.” Brandon quickly looked at her. “Right?”

Lee pulled out her phone after awarding him with a savage eye-roll. “Yeah. It’s time, idiot.”

Brandon’s hands were practically sliding off the steering wheel. He rubbed one of his palms on his pants, but it really didn’t do anything.

“Is that what you’re wearing tonight?” Lee doesn’t look up, but her voice is ridiculously condescending.

“Is that what you’re wearing tonight?”

“Brandon.”

“What? Don’t tell me the party’s themed again.” He really wanted to hit his head against the steering wheel. If that were the case, it would be best if he turned around.

Lee tapped her chin. “Yes. I think the theme is ‘Meeting Brandon’s Girlfriend for the First Friggin’ Time; She Looks Effortlessly Wonderful and He’s Dressed Like a Hobo’.”

“Could do with a bit of editing.”

If only his Dad stare worked on her. She spent some of his valuable daylight hours complaining about the single rip in his jeans. He wasn’t a fancy man. He was gangly, and suits either hung off his frame like he was wearing his Dad’s or they clung like another layer of skin. A button-up shirt and jeans (with only one rip, Lee) was enough to highlight his boyishly good looks, and that was all he needed.

Of course, Ivona looked absolutely Effortlessly Wonderful. His heart was drumming loudly against his ribcage as he pulled up to her place. He got enough time to recover as Lee moved to the back seat and Ivona slid into the passenger seat. She leaned closer and placed a gentle kiss to his lips.

“Hi.”

“Hey.”

“Is that what you’re wearing?”

“Oh, come on.” Brandon shook his head, pulling back into the road. “I think I look adorably fetching.”

“Oh, no, absolutely.” Brandon’s sarcasm-senses were tingling.

Ivona shifted in the back, resting her forearm on Brandon’s shoulder. “Your bag is pretty small. Did you pack enough for the weekend?”

“Uh, I think so. I wasn’t sure how cold it would be up there.” Ivona had her hands cradled in her lap, back straight. Brandon wasn’t sure if he’d be able to dissuade her from her worries.

Lee flicked her wrist. “No worries. If it’s colder, I have a tonne of clothing waiting up there.” She slapped Brandon’s shoulder. “He has a lot too. You have your pick of the litter.” Lee allowed them to fall into silence for one blissful second before she began to rage about this new movie. As an amateur screenplay writer herself, she had many words to say, which almost distracted Brandon from the long ride ahead.

Driving up to the cottage was always a journey. It wasn’t unusual to have something or a slew of somethings go wrong. Luck was on their side—only one flat tire.

One tire change and several snow frosted hills later and they were driving up the gravel road, the cottage hidden behind a wall of evergreens.

Lee was out of the car as soon as Brandon gently rolled up to the garage door. It looked like most of the family was already waiting inside.

Brandon licked his lips, trying to calm that inner screaming child. “You ready?”

“Clearly more ready than you.” Ivona patted Brandon’s knee and slipped out of her seat. She was still very rigid and taking her hand did little to help.

As soon as Brandon opened the door, he was embraced by the smell of mulled wine and cider. There’s no doubt that the walls had absorbed the annual smell and made it part of the house’s personality. That was the only familiar thing. Clearly Mom and Dad had decided to redecorate once again.

“Mom! Dad! Your favourite child is here!” Brandon flashed Ivona a reassuring smile.

“Lee?” Dad sauntered out of the living room, eyes roaming the room before settling on Lee. “My favourite child. Come hug your father.”

“Hey, Dad.” Lee pulled Dad into a python-like embrace and only released when he patted her shoulder. “You and Mom redecorated.”

“Yeah. We’re trying something more modern chic. Thoughts?”

“I don’t hate it.” Lee analysed her surroundings with a keen eye. “I still prefer the Bohemian chic look.”

Dad shook his head in disappointment. “I blame your brother for your flawed interpretation of style.” Brandon crossed his arms, glaring at them. “And what is it that you’re wearing?”

“Really? You too?”

Dad held up his hands in a soothing movement. “Shush. Will told me that the Hobo chic look is all the rage.”

“Please stop talking, Dad.” Brandon was really tempted to restart the car and spend his New Year’s at the closest pub. Then again, who would be the eye-candy at this lifeless party? Certainly not Cousin Geoff. Stupid Geoff, with his stupid Harry Potter accent, and stupid collection of fashionable scarves.

“This must be Ivona.” Dad cradled her hands, expression melting into something softer. “Will and Lee have told me all about you. Thank you for giving my son a chance. He’s useless but has a heart of gold.”

“It’s definitely a challenge, but I keep him around for his boyish good looks.” Brandon was sure he loved her.

“That’s something he got from his mother.”

Mom chose that time to pop in. “Are you people going to stay there all night?” Her eyes widened and she was quick to pull Ivona into a hug. “You brave soul. Come, meet the rest of this insane family.”

“Uh.” There was a plan. Brandon was going to introduce her to Dad, give Ivona gentle seconds with Mom until she could handle all that woman had to give, dance completely around Aunt Quinton until they were forced to make small talk at the dinner table. But, Mom never liked plans. Dammit.

It appeared that the family loved her, if how they swarmed around her was any indication.

“Come here, little bro.” Will wrapped her arms around Brandon’s body and pulled him up in the air. Relief flooded him when his feet felt the ground again. “I really didn’t think you’d bring Ivona here. Especially this time of year.”

“I like her.” And he really, really did.

“I think I speak for everyone, but if you ever break up, we’re moving with her.”

Brandon didn’t have the chance to reply with something snarky. Aunt Quinton slapped Brandon’s back, a vile smile etched on her smug face. Brandon pressed his lips into a thin white line and waited for the inevitable crap she was about to spew.

“Ivona’s a fine girl. Nicely done.” Oh. Nevermind. “It’s a relief that you’re straight again. You really scared me.” And there it is.

Lee pushed her way through the crowd, a look of desperation on her face. “Aunt Quin, your husband is about to show Ivona his tattoo.”

She mumbled a curse under her breath and rushed to the find them. Brandon crossed his arms over his chest and chose to distract himself with the hustle and bustle around him. There was always one Aunt Quinton in a family of loveable idiots.

Give or take five hours and the entire family was sitting around the table sipping mulled wine and making excellent and ongoing small talk. Stupid Geoff had practically all the attention.

“Okay, okay.” Dad raised his glass and tapped it with his fork. This got little attention. “Shut up, everybody!” Oh. Dad used the special Dad voice. It managed to quiet every other voice at that table. “This has been an amazing year, filled with laughter, tears and absolute disasters.”

“He’s talking about our trip to Ikea.” Mom grinned before taking a sip of her drink.

“Anyway, I hope everyone of you fools got to meet the wonderfully fresh Ivona.” Dad held his glass to her and she smiled brightly. “I heard a few of them talk about Brandon’s ex, and for that I’m sorry. The honest truth is he was a wonderful man with a great sense of humour and he will be missed.”

“Dad.” Brandon glared at him.

“You’re right. Damn him to hell.”

“Dad.” This time Will chimed in.

“I’m indifferent.”

“Better.” Lee shared a smile with Ivona before sipping her wine.

“I’m so happy to be able to begin this New Year knowing you, Ivona.” He held up his glass higher. “To Brandon’s stupidity.”

Brandon placed his glass down as every joined in. “To Brandon’s stupidity!”

Lee nudged Brandon’s side which earned her a glare.

“The first three years were funny, but now this is just ridiculous.”

“Lighten up, baby bro.” Will leaned back in her seat, far but not far enough to not tussle his hair.

Aunt Quinton looked at her watch. “15 seconds to the New Year.”

Without any order to do so, everyone started to count down. Brandon was stiff, nerves beginning to act up. It wasn’t too late to steal Ivona away. He eyed the door, biting his bottom lip.

“5. 4. 3.”

Ivona squeezed his thigh, sharing one of her signature smiles. Yup. He really did like her.

“2. 1.”

The room was plunged into darkness. They were enveloped by gasps and shrieks. Something shuffled behind Brandon. Someone grabbed his hand, another person wrapped their arms around his neck.

Then the lights came on again. Ivona’s eyes were wide and Lee was really choking him now.

“Oh, my God! She’s dead!” Brandon followed the voice to Aunt Quinton’s body draped over the table, hair mingled with the food on her plate. The room filled with gasps and shrieks once more.

Brandon slapped Lee’s arms away from his neck and sighed loudly. “Do we really have to be so surprised?”

Everyone at the table quieted down.

“What are you talking about?” Stupid Geoff pointed over to his dead mother. “She’s dead.”

“My point is, Geoff, someone dies at this table every year. I don’t think we need to act surprised anymore.”

“What?” Ivona squeaked. “How many people have died at this table?”

“Since I was fifteen, eight.” Brandon turned away from Ivona’s shocked face. “All I’m saying, Geoff, is would it kill for a little more originality?”

“My murders are always original!”

Brandon raised his hands in surrender. “No offence, but when I murder someone, my plans are flawless.”

“What?” Ivona jumps form her seat. “What the hell is happening here?”

“She’s either a great actress or me thinks you didn’t tell her.” Lee checked her nails before levelling Brandon with an unimpressed scowl.

Oh, crap.

Will stood slowly from her seat. “Every New Year, our family gathers here for three days in order to solve a Murder Mystery. This year it was Geoff’s job to plan the murder and plant all the clues.”

Ivona exhaled a sigh of relief and sunk back into her seat. “Oh, thank God.” She delivered a particularly painful slap to Brandon’s shoulder. “How could you have forgotten that little detail?”

Stupid Geoff held up his wine glass, smirk playing on his lips. “To Brandon’s stupidity.”

Brandon sighed. “Shut. Up. Geoff.”

It was no surprise when Dad released the powerful Dad stare, reducing Brandon to silence.