supposed to be dead.

   I am the only kid in my class who was in foster care, or with a limp. I was blessed with a birth defect and parents who didn’t love me, yay! #blessed. No matter how much my new parents love me, I can’t get over the grudge I have for my real ones. People ask me if I remember my mom at all, and I have to refrain from replying, “Hey moron, didn’t I tell you I was given up at birth? Do you remember first seeing your parents? No, I didn’t think so.” And other people say “How lucky you are to be adopted, some kids aren't that lucky,” and I don’t want to sound at all ungrateful,  but I also wonder why? Why was I given up? Why was I deprived of both a working leg and a mother? I have my new mom Megan, but she only became that when I was 12.

So for the next 6 years I pretended to be happy. I didn’t talk about the mystery of my parents. The fact is, I often wondered if Megan and Liam loved me as much as their 3 biological children. People wanted to hear the inspiring story of two newly weds that adopted there sweet daughter who has a lame leg, not the petty story of a girl who will never be able to uncover the truth of her real parents because foster care didn’t record my mother, and my daily doubt of whether or not I was loved. I am gonna go with not. 

Three weeks after my 19th birthday, my foster mother called me saying we needed to talk. My apartment was only half an hour away so I drove home Sunday morning. I remember how you could see the heat waves over the cement of the highway. And how my crappy car’s air conditioning broke at the beginning of summer. So going anywhere was like driving through hell highway. I was eternally grateful when I stepped into Megan and Liam's two story home, but all the happiness of the AC was gone when I saw their stony expressions. Megan is one of those people who are always smiling like she's the star on the billboards for dentist offices, so when I saw she wasn’t smiling I knew something was terribly wrong. “Blare, honey won’t you come join us,” Liam says to me while I slip my flip flops off. I know I am covered in sweat, and I don’t look my hottest but I ease my way onto their leather couch which is thankfully cool against my thigh anyway. “ So what’s up? You guys where acting like the planet was invaded by a human eating tarantula. Was it?” My attempt to lighten the mood failed drastically as neither Liam or Megan cracked a grin. Megan looked at Liam and he looked at her, she was still looking at him when she began talking. “Blare we have some interesting news,” Megan said averting her eyes to me. I sat quietly waiting for her to continue. “A lady named Cilia Williams has contacted us saying for years she has been trying to find her missing daughter, and she has succeeded. The foster care didn’t have any paperwork on how to find you but-,” I cut her off.

“How to find ME. No, no, no. You have to be joking. That freak can’t just walk into my life like psych, I am back, I know I missed one fourth of your life but I am here now.’ ' Both Megan and Liam have their  mouths slightly open, never have I talked badly about my unknown biological mom to them. “Honey we just wanted to let you know that she has tracked you down-” 

“Stalker,” I reply under my breath.

Megan just gives me one of her seriously looks before continuing, “and wants to talk to you, saying she has some things to explain-”

“Yeah cause you can just explain why you gave up your kid.”

“Blare, she was 13 when she had you,” Megan scowls at me. Well thanks Megan, this snippet of information would have helped a little earlier. Wow 13. 

As I lay there in my bed that night, I went over the pros and cons of reconnecting with Cilia. I didn’t even need to really reconnect, just listen to what she had to say. There wasn’t really anything to lose…

It's been a week since Megan and Liam have told me that my mother found me. And finally with a lot of deep thinking, I agreed to hear her story, unless I didn’t like it then I would just walk out and be in the same place I am now, an orphan. 

What do you even wear when you meet your long lost parent? It's not like a job interview. That's when I hear a soft knock on the door. Megan peers in. I had driven home last night so they could drive me to the hotel where Cilia wanted to meet, I think they believed I wouldn’t be mentally stable when we were done talking. I don’t know why, but both Megan and Liam know the whole story, yet they refuse to tell me. In her arms is a pale blue sundress. In a whispered voice she explains, “I don’t know if you have anything to wear so I picked this out, I think it will bring out your eyes.” Me and Megan are the same size, and even though she knows that every fiber in my being despises dresses with a passion, she still tries to get me to wear them. I gently take it from her outstretched hand, “Thanks, you’re right, I don’t think I should show up wearing a stained t-shirt and jeans.”

The dress fits like a glove and feels like I am wearing silk. With a bit of light makeup, and straightening my mousy brown hair, I head down stairs. It's nine in the morning and their oldest daughter, Rosy, who is 14, is still complaining about having to get up so early to watch her two younger siblings. It's hard to look at her, knowing Cilia was as small as her when she had me. “Well Blare, are you ready?” Liam asks as he leans to pick up the car keys he just dropped. “Ready as I’ll ever be,” I shrug back. Megan takes my hands in hers and looks me in the eyes as she says, “Honey even if this meeting doesn’t work out, I want you to know we are there for you always.”

I feel like throwing up as I enter the hotel. Slowly walking up to the check in desk, not wanting my high heels to slip off. The interior of the hotel is blue white and silver. “ Ma’am how may I assist you?” Asks the receptionist. “I am looking for a Cilia Williams, where can I find her?” The receptionist gestures to the lounge, “she is wearing a pink sweater.” Only one lady is wearing a pink sweater in the lounge, and she is staring straight at me. “Hello,” I extend my hand to her, “I am Blare Samuel you must be Cilia Williams.” She nods as she takes me in And instantly I noticed that we are opposite. She has pale blonde hair while I have dark brown, my face is a little more round as hers is a bit more oval. “Well it’s nice to finally meet you,” I say awkwardly. She just nods. “Should I sit?” I ask, geez this lady asks me here then acts like she can’t speak. “ Yes please,” she finally says. As I ease my way onto the stiff. “Well I guess you want me to talk,” Cilia says. I nod. “Well here it goes .I was 13 when I got pregnant with you. Instantly my mother, your grandmother scheduled an abortion appointment. I didn’t have a say in the matter, the doctor didn’t ask me what my name was let alone if I wanted an abortion. Everyone just said it would be better after. Months after I had gone, I was still growing. You had a twin brother.” She lets that sink in, and it does deeply. “ My mother tried to get me into another appointment but by this time I was five months pregnant. It would have been to risky for my health to preform another abortion so close to the due date. So I gave birth to you, I only caught a glimpse of you as they carried you out to your new family. The doctor said that you would have to wear a brace on your leg for the first ten or so years of your life due to the abortion having injured it.” The doctors never  knew why my leg wasn’t correct, and now I know. Wow a twin brother, I would never have been alone if I had him, never would have cried myself to sleep in new foster homes If I had him. Cilia continues, “Giving up both of you was the worst thing I have ever done. I constantly live with destroying both your lives hanging over my head.” We both sit there in silence. I wasn’t even supposed to be alive right now. “Did you know who my father was?” I ask. Cilia just nods. “Was it rape?” Cilia shakes her head before replying, “no it wasn’t, Jordan Jones was the high school's  most popular senior.” Senior, she was 13. “Does he know about me and my brother?” Again Cilia shakes her head, “he thinks you're dead, but he has a new life with his 5 children.” I have 6 siblings that I never even knew about, maybe I won’t be mentally stable after all. 

I have forgiven my mom, my grandmother though is a different story. She cut all ties with me and my mom because Cilia found me after 19 years. But I don’t really care to much, she seems like a control freak. So now my mom and me spend all are free time making up for lost years. I still spend time with my foster family of course. And people say I seem happier, and I am, when you know your loved its enough.

This story is dedicated to all children in foster care and abortion survivors. Also to my Best friend Abrie Wren who helped me write and edit this, #yourthebest