My final thoughts on you

“Now, as we stand three feet apart and stare at each other, I feel the full distance that comes with spending so much time apart, a moment filled with the electricity of a first meeting and the uncertainty of strangers.”― Marie Lu, Champion

Diary note 1 -Amore

You were everything to me, why did you leave me? I remember your sweet words, those words that meant the world with every sentence that left your mouth. You lied to me you said you would stay no matter how hard things got. Where are you now? You're gone. You never planned to stay, did you? I was just a fool a clown to you, someone who meant little to nothing. I should have never held you so high. But talking ill of you hurts my heart it feels like it's crashing in on itself. Why does it hurt so much to ruin my image of you? When you ruined me? You made me like this, you crushed me and I let you. You were my best friend. I talked to you non-stop I loved you, you horrible person.

Journal entry #1-Anubis

How long has it been a year maybe two, it was worth it, I knew my worth. Was I really the bad guy? I still see her and all I feel is guilt I shouldn't feel this bad. I used to hold my knees so close to my chest wishing it was you. I held you so close during my darkest hour. I spent so many sleepless nights waiting for you to text me that you had a bad dream, so many nights I stayed up thinking of you with a dumb smile on my face, Amore I grew up with you, I thought I knew you.

Journal entry #2-Anubis 

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you! Why do you look so sad? Why did I feel you break? All I did was walk by. I only walked by. Why did you look at me like that? As if I hurt you.As if I stomped on your heart and threw it as if it were trash.

Diary note #2 -Amore

Was I nothing at all? You walked by and said nothing to me. Is that we done? I trusted you and you still walked away. I trusted you so much. You really are just like everyone else. I can't believe it I thought you were different. You sick liar.

Journal entry #3 -Anubis 

Today was bad I sat down as per usual and I waited and waited, I forgot you weren't gonna come get me to order food I waited like an idiot I turned down my own friends waiting for you to show up. Why am I waiting for you? It doesn't matter now. I'm better now that you're gone. I feel so much better but a part of me is asking if it was the best or worst decision I ever made. I wonder what would have happened if I stayed. You'd make me feel bad about wanting to change. Or maybe you'd tell your sweet lies.

Journal entry #4 -Anubis 

She's beautiful, her wandering eyes full of hope and her words elegant beyond that of which many may understand. Why is she the model of the mind, the one person spoken of when admiring or giving examples? I don't get it! Why is she the best? I look at her and only see the trouble she has caused. Her mind is so absurd! She’s not perfect, she's far from it. Yet, I try to be like her so much. I don’t understand many things about life, and this is one of them. Why is it I want to be this person when I know how bad she can truly be? Yet, people talk to me and only speak well of her. Do they not understand? How do they speak so well of this person, when they only know one side of the many she can be?

Diary note #3-Amore

It was working so well. You believed every lie I spoke to you about everything. I can't believe it. Maybe it was bad that it worked too well, You left didn't you? You noticed all the troubles and all the pain. You of all people and here I thought you were gonna be slow here I thought you were my best friend you needed someone so I made myself that someone for you. If you noticed the pain I put you threw you must have noticed the pain you caused me, Karma is a cruel thing. Cruel but just.

Journal entry #5 -Anubis

I remember the way you talked about karma, how it was cruel and that you got what you deserve. That same karma you spoke of you painted this picture as if you were the victim like everyone wronged you, I wish I could tell you, After all, karma is unavoidable. Whoever you are, you can't get away from screwing others for the rest of your life. Everything is what is going on. That's how it works. Earlier or later the cosmos is going to demand your vengeance, Amore. You are the problem that any innocent soul that walks to you suffers from.

Diary note #4-Amore

I was sitting in my class when they decided to teach us about gaslighting, just when I thought it was going to be dull. It's not as easy as they said, it was something like The victim role: the manipulator plays the victim of a staged scenario or someone else's behavior in order to elicit sympathy, compassion, or compassion. Care and consciousness can't confront anyone, and pity is too easy for the manipulator to deal with. Anubis if you were here I bet you would have called me out, saying it reminded you of me. It's not my fault you couldn't take a joke. It's something new to us we both played the victim so much, too bad I just played it better.

Diary note #5-Amore

I'm sorry Anubis that you had to realize that you were just a game I was willing to pay for a bit of time. Honestly, I feel bad for you, you have to remember the time before we were such close friends, and honestly, I wish you luck, your gonna struggle and I wish I could say you had me to depend on but you really don't, You don't stand up to your name Anubis a god that leads the dead to judgment, I wish you would having someone start that drama how it'll only pull you back to me.

Journal entry #6 -Anubis

It's been a while since I talked to you, You don't affect me as much as before I see how little you now mean to me. Thank you for opening my eyes to the worse of people dressed in the prettiest clothing.Thank you, Amore. Once upon a time, your friends and lover were strangers. They emerged from nowhere and entered your life at some point. It appeared chaotic and unpredictable. Without them, your life has no meaning. Both your identity and your vision are made up of a combination of thoughts and sensations that originate from the depths of your mind. To lose it now would be to lose yourself, and that's exactly what happened: I lost myself to you, and now you're just a stranger with memories I'm learning to live without.      

  My final note for you-Amore

Maybe I should have hugged you that time and perhaps I should have told you this time that you are the best friend, my only friend, I have messed up and I'm so proud of myself, that you learned to live without me and you. I'd like to see you improve and I think that this time I should not have played a game, perhaps this time. Now, your memory is all I have. I have screwed up with you. Even after all I put you through, I wish I might have known what you thought of me. You're no longer my friend, you simply just an unknown man I once knew. I have just to pass past you.