You Loved Me Once

Construction on Collins Street. Why the hell was there construction on Collins Street? More than that, why couldn’t they just let me walk past it? It wasn’t like they were doing the entire street. I could walk on the other side if they were concerned about my safety or something. The supervisor refused though. So now I had to go through the old park.

There was nothing wrong with the old park necessarily. Ever since the city invested in cleaning up the larger park uptown, this one just got abandoned. Only a few old people stuck in their ways still came here. Some preferred it that way. It was beautiful, peaceful, a place where one could sit to think and reflect without interference. Which is why I knew I’d see her here.

I took a deep breath at the entrance. The park uptown may have been bigger, but this one wasn’t exactly small. Still, I was sure I could be out in twenty minutes if I hurried. I braced myself and started walking quickly. 

I had to think about something. Anything. The old man on the bench might live uptown, I could have sworn I'd seen him there before. That bird looked interesting, I wonder what breed it was. Have the days been getting shorter lately? As hard as I tried I couldn’t keep my mind busy as I approached the pond. Like always, my mind became a total blank when I looked at it. That’s when I saw her.

She was sitting on the bench, staring off into the distance. She was wearing the same purple summer dress as the first time I saw her. Her long, dark hair cascaded down her back, a few strands falling in front of her face. A soft smile on her pink lips. She was beautiful. Just like before.

“Remember how you loved me once?” She asked gently.

The question made my heart sink. My legs finally regained their strength. I sprinted away from the pond. I’ve never exactly been athletic. It wasn’t long before my pace slowed again to a quick walk, only this time I was tired and out of breath. That had been a bad idea. The exhaustion was going to slow me down, but at the same time, I didn’t care. I just had to get away from her.

It wasn’t real. I knew it wasn’t real. She was dead. She’d been dead for years. So why was she still here?

Why the hell did she always have to appear when I came here? Why did she always try to flood me with guilt? Remember that I loved her? How could I ever forget?

Those happy days we used to share. Walking hand in hand in this very park. Spending hours at the pond sipping lemonade or eating ice cream from the vendors. Staying until late, sharing everything about ourselves. The way her head rested so gently on my shoulder as we silently watched the sunset dip below the pond. I wished I could forget those moments because with those good memories came the bad ones.

The days she felt so miserable she couldn’t even get out of bed. How she would go up to a week without showering because she couldn’t summon the energy. How we’d be sitting together sometimes and tears would just run down her face. No reason in particular, they just leaked out. It was as if her body knew the misery she was suppressing. The worst part was her eyes. How I’d look into them sometimes and they’d be so hollow and empty it was like I could see right through her. The same way they looked the last time I saw her.

I shuddered a bit at the memory. I looked around. Where was I exactly? The pond meant I was about halfway there. Just a little longer now. I picked up speed again. 

The sooner I was out of here, the sooner I could go home. The further I got, the more abandoned the park seemed. I guess weekdays weren’t as popular. Some people might have liked the solitude, but it was the last thing I wanted right now. Especially as I approached the wildflowers.

I felt a lump form in my throat. There she was again. A white, flower-patterned dress that almost made her seem a part of the field. She spun around, laughing. Her eyes were bright with excitement. Beautiful. A lily among the weeds. She stopped spinning when she saw me. Her eyes met mine. She smiled sadly.

“Remember how you loved me once?” She asked again.

The lump in my throat was growing. I could barely breathe. Again, I ran from the scene. Damn it! How long was she going to do this to me? How long would I have to suffer like this before she let me go?

I wanted out. I wanted to get away. It seemed like that wasn’t an option anymore though. Now, everywhere I looked she was there. Sipping water at the fountain, feeding the birds on a park bench, picking some dandelions along the sidewalk to make wishes. Everywhere. She was everywhere. It didn’t matter how fast I ran, I couldn’t escape her.

My body finally gave out on me. My legs buckled beneath me and I stumbled. I fell onto the grass. My palms stung as they absorbed most of the impact. I panted wildly. Where was I now? My heart sank as I looked up and saw a giant maple tree. She was sitting underneath it, reading a book. Like she always had.

I couldn’t take it anymore. Tears welled up in my eyes and I began sobbing. Why did she have to torture me like this? Wasn’t killing herself enough? Wasn’t the guilt I felt enough?

“Remember how you loved me once?” She asked, reaching out to touch my cheek.

“Of course, I remember!” I shouted, slapping her hand away. “You think I could ever forget that?! Your laugh, your voice, the way I loved you? I get it! It was all my fault. I admit it. Now, will you please stop torturing me?!”

“Your fault?” She said, confused. “Who said it was your fault?”

“Don’t do that,” my voice was trembling now. “I know it was my fault. I-I was just so tired, so confused. You were miserable all the time. All you could talk about was how much you wanted the pain to end. I got scared. I didn’t know how to handle it. So I left. It’s my fault you died. If I never left you, then you never would have killed yourself.”

The tears were pouring down my face now. I felt her hands brush them away gently. She cradled my head and lifted it to meet her eyes. The warm, bright eyes I fell in love with.

“Do you really believe that?” She asked.

I nodded. She smiled sadly and shook her head. She brushed my hair with her fingers.

“Well, you’re wrong,” she said gently. “How many times did I say I was in pain? How many times did I say I wanted it to end? That I wanted to end it? You really think you could have done anything to stop it by staying?”

I was stunned. “I-I-”

“You couldn’t have,” she said, shaking her head. “It would have happened one day or another. With or without you. You know that. Staying wouldn’t have gotten rid of your guilt, only made you feel guilty in a different way. Staying would have only hurt you more. The choices I made were mine and mine alone. There was nothing you could have done to save me.”

Her eyes were sad, but not in the empty way they were the last time I saw her. They were full of sympathy. She stroked my cheek gently. The way she always did when she used to take care of me. My heart hurt.

“Then how do I forget about you?” I begged.

She laughed and shook her head. She leaned in and planted a soft kiss on my forehead. Her eyes were bright again.

“Don’t,” she said simply.

She pointed behind me. As I turned I saw her there. Everywhere. Every memory we shared in this park. Every smile, every laugh, every happy moment that made my life with her so wonderful. I felt her arms wrap around me from behind. She placed another kiss on my cheek and sighed.

“Remember how you loved me once.”

It wasn’t a question this time. It was a request. Then she was gone.

I felt her arms disappear from around me. The images before me vanished too. I sat there for a moment, unable to move. So long. For so long I had been trying to forget her. 

I had been trying to push her from my mind because the guilt and pain were too much to bear. I could never do it. She was always here in this park. All this time, I thought she was holding on to me, but I was wrong. I was the one who couldn't let her go. I would always remember her. Because I loved her once.