Loved

Loving you was like having a stream of glitter wash over me. It was like I stepped in fairy dust and when I stepped out, I was the most beautiful me that I had ever seen. Magical. Bewitching. Show stopping and spectacular. My wildest dreams becoming a reality when I stood that day, my scarlet dress hugging my body as it slid down to my feet, hair cascading in heavy brown waves down my back. I stood by the corner biting my red lips as I gazed at you from afar, wishing with every beat of my heart that you'd ask me to dance with you. You were staring back. You always did. Never said anything, never talked. No. You had a knack of communicating with your eyes, that Cheshire cat smile tugging on your mouth like a fancy lip ring, glimmering even in raven darkness. I looked away just like I always did. Id always look away the moment I felt like my heart would explode from excitement. But you never did. You stood there eyes stationed on me like an eagle's vice like grip, gravitating me in an inescapable ruse, ugly but nevertheless alluringly fascinating. 

And so I did. I moved towards you with slow, tantalising steps, my red dress swaying down my knees and I could see the smile on your face getting bigger, gleaming brighter by every step that I took . My confidence kept shooting up with my heart beat until I was standing in front of you with an extended hand, asking if you wanted to dance with me. You chuckled in the most sinister of ways, so sinister that it still rings in my ear to this day. 

Ten years and i still remember our prom night in vivid detail. It was my moment of epiphany. When my world took a 360 spin and then came crashing down upon me as the mountains echoed your words in a vehement cry. We danced and you kept reducing the distance between us until we were an inch apart and you whispered, 'wanna go out with me?' My throat went dry because i could focus on nothing but your warm breath against the crook of my neck and so before I had the time to think twice i nodded my head and let you lead the way, holding my hand that i wished you'd never let go of.

We were out in the backyard, through silent hallways and empty classrooms in the crisp autumn air, surrounded by leaves that had fallen down and trees that stood naked in the twilight. You never left my hand and your smirk never left your face and when you turned around I looked right in your eyes since there was nowhere I could stare instead. You coiled your other arm around my waist and pulled me in for a soft kiss. I didn't know if my heart stopped beating or the blood pumped so fast that all my senses numbed and I couldn't feel anything but your lips against mine. You pulled away after a short while. And I smiled for the first time that night, looked you right in the eye and said, ' I thought you'd kiss me the first time we meet. I guess I was right. ' You laughed with your heart and your chest rumbled. I was elated to make you laugh. But then the laughter died and your smile vanished and so did the stars sparkling in my eyes. You said you suddenly felt sick.

 I looked at you with genuine concern and asked if you wanted me to walk you home. Your smile returned as you said yes. And grinning in response I caressed the hand that you were still holding with your vice like grip. We walked along the pavement hand in hand, in silence that was uncomfortable but enrapturing at the same time. And standing against your house you asked if I wanted to come in. I blushed, hesitating but you pulled me in. The house was empty and I asked you about your parents, you said they were on a trip. You guided me towards your room, telling me to sit on your bed. My heart kept running faster by every passing second. I could feel the sweat trickling down my forehead. I told you I should leave and you told me to wait, ' Ill get changed, take my meds and drop you home.' You smiled an insincere smile but I didn't think about it then.

 I waited for 15 minutes and before my eyes flashed the five years of my unrequited love. The five years of intense exchange of looks. The five years of me stealing glances and you catching me every time I did that. I smiled at myself, at how much of a fool I was for waiting all these years, befor asking you out. I was a fool. I really was. And I realized it when my eyes slid from the windows to the photo frames on the wall behind your bed. My heart dropped. And when I heard you entering through the door and see me looking at the frames, you said in the most calmest of manners, ' that's my girlfriend.'

Hearing those words leave your mouth was like having burning lava slide down my throat and yet it wasn't half as ridiculous as the words that followed next. 

I didn't turn around. I kept staring at the frames, my eyes prickling with tears. And so you sat down beside me, wrapped your arm around my back, your fingers grazing my shoulders. Took a hold of my chin and turned my face towards yours. The tears streamed down my face burning with chagrin. But you weren’t looking in my eyes or my tears, you were looking at my lips drenched in red. And you said, 'I thought Id **** you raw, the first time I meet you.' You laughed.

"Are you like... like into a one nightstand and stuff?' I didn't say a word. I couldn't. All my words had died and been buried in my throat. I stood up. And you did too. I wished the ground would open up and swallow me down but it didn’t. You asked where I was going. And I said I wanted to leave. You said ' hey listen to me. I didn't mean it like that.' I didn't. Couldn’t. I wanted to leave. I wanted to run away.

 I reached for the door knob but you pushed me against the door. 'Listen to me.' You bared your teeth at me like a monster. And for the first time when I looked at you, the clouds in your eyes had passed by and I could see clearly the person you were. All my fantasies came crumbling down and when I looked in your eyes for the last time I saw, not the man that I had been hopelessly in love with all this time but a vicious predator yearning to gulp down his prey. I begged you to let me leave. And you said you couldn’t. You said you loved me and I loved you too because if I didn't I wouldn't have come here with you. You weren't lying I did love you. I loved you with the entirety of my heart for years. I loved you so much that I forgot to love myself in the process. But you didn’t love me. You could never. 'You don’t love me Eric. You don't. You have a girlfriend please. Please this is wrong.' You said it was just a one night thing. That it didn't matter. That you could make me the happiest I had ever been.

You said you craved my presence. You felt addicted to me. I slid to the ground, my head in my hands, sobbing. ' This isn’t love Eric. This is lust. I don’t want to be lusted after. That’s not me.'

You said lust was love too. ' It is love. It's wild love. It makes you go crazy. Look at me. Its a need. I need you right now.' Your nails were digging into my arms as you held me. My head kept spinning. I turned my face away from you to the right. I couldn't look at you anymore. Next to the door was a small table with a vase on it. You said you had enough of my crying as you slid the sleeve of my dress down my left shoulder. You promised that you would make it the best night of my life as you nestled your head in the side of my neck. I let my right hand travel up the little table beside me, and clutching the vase in my hand I didn't think twice before smashing it in the back of your head. Blood trickled down your ear, your hand on my shoulder went still. A minute passed and your head was limping down my shoulder. I pushed you away. Didn't care to check if you were dead although I wished you were. 

I left your house that day and never looked back. I left the town, then the city and even the country. I travelled to the furthest end of the world and wished that I'd never see you again. I didn't. I’m glad I didn't. But you never left me. You stayed there in the back of my mind like a ghost, you came back in terrors, in anxiety attacks and sometimes in my nightmares. You clinged onto me like a second skin. Like a constant reminder of a tragic incident. Like the bitter aftertaste of black piping hot coffee. You haunted me.

And so when I look at it in retrospect, loving you doesn’t feel like a warm bath in golden glistening glitter or being surrounded by fairy dust anymore. It feels like a wretched memory that becomes more vivid every time I try to forget it. Like a stain of dirt that would never go away no matter how much I wash it, like a wound gone too deep to be forgotten and a scar that ignites my heart and makes it feel rotten. I remember the first and last time when you said you loved me and it makes me shudder in disgust. And yet it makes me wonder. Why didn't I say yes. Why didn't I believe it when you said you wanted me so bad. Why didn't I feel special when you said you felt addicted to me? Is that not what we want when we think of love? To be craved and to be yearned for?

Why didn't I say yes? I didn't say yes because even at eighteen I knew that lusting after someone wasn’t the same as loving them. It could never be. I wanted to be loved for myself, not my body. I wanted to someone crave my heart rather than my skin. I wanted to be respected and honoured instead of being treated like a commodity that could be replaced easily once it had supplied you with enough pleasure. I wanted to be an equal to my partner, rather than a prey to a predator.

We live in a world that glorifies the subjugation of women by control over their bodies. In a world where I grew up reading stories about sadism and masochism. In a world where it is preferable to discover my body than my heart, my wishes, my feelings, my mind, my strengths and my fears. I didn’t say yes because I didn't want to be at the mercy of a man who valued my body more than me myself. To whom I was just a bag of flesh and bones than a heart, a mind and a soul. I didn't say yes because as a woman I wanted people to know that I was so, just so much more than just my flesh and my skin, I was a whole entity in myself, a reservoir of beautiful thoughts, delicate feelings and intricate emotions. I didn't say yes because I wanted to be loved. To be loved. And to be loved simply for being myself.