Silence

Snow  falls like an unwelcome blanket, covering the surrounding landscape, billowing over trees and rock outcroppings. 

Biting wind

Frigid chill 

Shallow breaths

Almost there. 

Hopefully.

Gazing up at the bleak motionless sky, blinking away the minuscule icy daggers leaving pin pricks on my skin I try once again to determine which way the sun is setting. But the phantom glare only leaves me in confusion, tirelessly disoriented. 

Then I see it, the rock that looks like the face of a man. 

This is it. 

Surely.

Moving with weariness to the mountain’s crest, lungs burning, at last my eyes are rewarded. In the valley below, in the distance, a speck of brown through the storm. A lonely smudge against the smattering of white and grey bleakness. 

But there’s no whisper of smoke breathing from its form. 

Maneuvering down the least aggressive part of the mountain, I try to make out the worn path unsuccessfully. I’ve traversed this terrain many times before but never with sleet pelting my face and body. 

Suddenly the earth gives way beneath my feet, laying me flat on my back, I hit ice and something even sharper before being hurtled down the remainder of the way. 

“Damn it all to hell!” I breath out through clenched teeth, violently coming to an abrupt halt.

Wiping snow and ice off my face I realize I’m at least nearer my destination at the base of the mountain. But there’s a raw pain fingering along my spine. Cautiously moving one hand behind me I bring it back into focus, and the glove returns with blood.

Surface wound. Scratch. Hit a rock on the way down is all.

Gingerly mastering a standing position I assess for further damage but finding none take a step forward. 

Oof! Down on my hands and knees again. That ain’t just a scratch. Searing pain clutches my back and my right side, immobilizing me for a moment. 

Resting back on my knees I close my eyes and breath deeply like she taught me. 

In

  Out

        In

Out

Silence.

The silence is what gets me every damn time.

What an eerie silence to look at, across this hibernated meadow, heavy, crushing in its magnitude. But it’s the same silence that follows me like an undesirable shadow.

Not loneliness. Loneliness is hollow, empty, unoccupied. 

No this silence is enveloping, taking up residence in my bones, seeping into my bloodstream. I live and breathe this deafening silence from morning till night.

And I wait.

But for what? Answers that will never come. 

With a sigh my body groans and heaves itself to standing once more. The pain persists but if I’m to make it to the cabin before nightfall I have to keep going. 

One foot in front of the other, that’s it, nice and steady. A few wincing steps later and a howl flies from my lips, swallowed up by the deafening silence of the storm. There’s damage alright. Hoping it’s a pulled muscle and I didn’t break anything.

To take my mind off the pain I occupy my thoughts with what these surroundings look like in the Summer. I smile as I remember warm lazy bliss filled days with her. Soft green grass with a dusting of yellow flowers, the lull of crickets in the evenings. Laughter, dappled sunshine through the trees as we made love. Everything I’ve ever had that was worth anything went with her. 

My mind’s meanderings do the trick and I manage to get closer to the cabin before I know it. But the pain holds an iron grip, unrelenting. I’ll never be able to make a fire in this condition. Hell I’ll probably freeze to death, either out here or in there don’t make no difference. That is unless there’s a fire going by the time I arrive. 

Shaking my head in exasperation I curse under my breath, “Dammit man pull yourself together. She’s gone, you just said so a minute ago you fool.”

But the memories are so strong my eyes flicker unwittingly to the crumbling roof in the distance and that worn chimney, but it’s cold and empty with no signs of warmth from inside. I chuckle remembering the first time I taught her how to make a fire. What a city girl she was, so afraid the flames were gonna leap out and bite her. She shrieked when one tiny spark sputtered innocently onto the rug and must have stomped it a million times with her shoe. Course that got me laughing so hard the tears were streaming down my cheeks. But that’s partly why I took a strong liking to her. She was different than any other woman I’d met before. Different from the gals back home. And she loved it here. Said she could finally breathe. So this was our paradise, a place we both felt we belonged, where we were happy. But as long as we traverse this god forsaken planet there are only glimpses of paradise to be had. Too happy for too long and we’d never leave. 

The pain’s getting worse, crawling like a menacing beast up towards my head now, sinking its claws deep in my skull, causing my vision to blur suddenly.

A searing flash of pain buckles my knees and I collapse to the ground once more. I’m not going to make it. I’m too damn cold, can’t even feel my damn hands and feet anymore. And the pain, god the pain is crippling. Opening my eyes I see it then, a crimson blemish on the pure ground. And there’s more. Trailing behind me there’s a steady stream. Hmmm that gash in my side is worse than I thought. 

The wind has thankfully died down but in its place increased shadows have taken root, obscuring the already dark and diminishing landscape. 

Flickering memories dance across my eyes, this time darker, unwelcome. More crimson stains but not my own. Hers. I try and push them back but they’re coming faster now, jarring like an old timey movie. So much blood marring that beautiful body, that perfect face. Closing my eyes against the images, the gnawing pain in my being surmounts my physical discomfort.

God why? Why her? Why take the one and only good thing from my life and leave me with nothing?

Silence. 

Answers that will never come. 

Crawling now I listen to the silent storm, the only disruption the crunch of snow under the weight of my hands and knees. When I get to the cabin I’ll need to lie down and stop the bleeding. In my mind’s eyes I go through the supplies that might still be there. Should be an extra blanket or two in the hutch by the bed. No gauze or first aid if I’m remembering right but an old shirt or two I left behind should do the trick. At least I can bind the wound and rest till the storm passes. 

Thankfully some of the pain has subsided. And some of the cold too, though I reckon I’ve gone numb at this point. I pause and try to get to my feet once more. Managing myself upright I still move slow, carefully, but I can stand once more. Almost there, just a few more feet.

After what feels like a lifetime I finally reach my destination. My hand reaches for the familiar latch on the door when without warning it swings open. 

With a sharp inhale of breath, my heart begins thundering in my chest threatening to leap from its apparatus. My eyes are deceiving me greatly, I probably hit my head harder than I realized with that fall down the mountainside. Closing my eyes I try to steady myself while taking deep breaths. 

But opening my eyes again there she still is, all 5’4” of her, a bright and spunky smile on her face, just like the day I met her. The glow from the interior of the cabin halos her dazzling hair. Angelic, that’s what she looks like, angelic. 

She then reaches her hands out to me, “Darling I’ve been waiting for you.”