Lucky

The last time that I saw Freddy he was driving off in the back seat of his father’s old navy-blue pickup truck, on his was to New York city. My heart went right along with him in that truck, on that day 16 years ago. I couldn’t believe It when I saw him walk into that bar. He stood there with a beautiful blonde by his side, her head resting on his shoulder. I could not believe how much his face had not changed. He looked the same, with his big brown eyes, and dirty blonde hair, my heart started to melt, like back when I was 17 again.

So many things were running through my head, so many memories. Junior Prom, stealing his dad’s pick up to go cruising, dates at the drive in, picnics at Skyview park at night. The time my dad forbid us from seeing one another, thankfully he only made it stick for three weeks, the big softy.

I watched as he drank his 3rd Heineken of the night, as the blonde woman kissed his neck and hung all over him. I couldn’t help but roll my eyes, her insecurities were out on full display the way she never let him go. I wanted it to be me on his arm again, I thought about all the times we had passed by Lucky’s Tavern as teenagers. Although we were never able to step foot inside, we talked about having our first drink here, when we were finally legal. I still yearned for that experience, even all these years later. I sipped my vodka soda; I was supposed to meet one of my friend’s, but she suddenly had to cancel due to work.

I couldn’t bring myself to leave, I wondered if Freddy thought of seeing me or reaching out to me now that he was back in town. Who am I kidding 16 years later I’m sure he didn’t even remember me? I really wanted to go say hi or try and make my presence known, maybe if he saw me, he would remember me. I just wanted to wait until blondie walked away. Just as I was about to order another vodka soda, I saw the perfect opportunity present its self-blondie finally walked away heading towards the bathroom. I took a deep breath in fixing my form fitted black mini dress, brushing my long brown hair off my shoulders. “Here goes nothing.”

My strappy black heels clicked against the tile floor, as I walked over to where Freddy was standing. I stood right next to him pretending not to see him. “Valerie? Is that you?” Suddenly my face felt flushed, as I turned to face him. Our eyes locked, my blue eyes meeting his light brown, unable to tear them away. “Hi Freddy…” I had gone over what I would say to him a million times, from the minute I saw him tonight. Now it is as if I can’t even think anymore. I gulp hard.

“How long has it been?” He seems utterly shocked to see me standing there in front of him. His voice cracks mid-sentence. “I haven’t seen you in years.” I smile.

“I know about 16, last time I saw you, you were leaving to New York, in the back of your father’s old pickup truck.” 

“Wow 16 years… that broke my heart leaving you, that day…I didn’t talk to my parent’s for almost 3 months you know.” He breaks his gaze briefly as he grabs his beer chugging it. He has a 5 ‘o clock shadow, it makes him look a little more his age. “Really? Why didn’t you ever call me? I looked you up in the phone book so many times, but I could never find you?” The look in his eyes reminds me of how I felt when he left, pure sadness. He looked remorseful; a look I’d never thought I’d see.

“I’m sorry, but I knew calling you would just make me miss you more. I knew it would drag the pain out longer, I already felt like my heart was shattered that day. I didn’t want to re live it, especially knowing how young we were and how hard it would be to try and make the whole long-distance thing work. You wanted to go to college, you wanted to be a veterinarian, I knew how much school, studying and work that would take. I didn’t want to be another thing on top of everything else you had on your plate.”

Part of me can’t believe what I’m hearing. I cross my arms over my chest staring at him. “Wait you did all of this for me? No don’t put this on me. I tried for years to find you Freddy, I looked up so many combinations of your name and your parents name praying that I would find you. I waited for months for you to call me from New York and you never did! I was willing to move to New York for college, but when I didn’t hear from you in over a year, I figured you didn’t want me to.” Finally saying it all out loud, I couldn’t help but to feel utterly heartbroken. I’m starting to regret ever coming over and talking to him.

“I did miss you, and I did think about you. I thought about you almost every day, but what if you didn’t feel the same? I just kept thinking is this just what I want, and how selfish would I be to drag you away from your life and your plans and dreams and all because I wanted to keep you in my life a little longer?” He looks destroyed, he has the same look on his face that I did for many years, it’s weird to see it on someone else.

 “So, what your saying is you cared so much about me that you didn’t try to contact me? Either you are the sweetest guy who ever walked the planet or the biggest jerk?” I raise my eyebrow at him, trying to decide which it is.

“Look Val I’m telling you the truth. Either way I guess it doesn’t matter, it’s been 16 years. I’m sure by that ring on your finger your happily married by now anyway.” I look down at the shiny gold ring on my left finger.

“That’s new!” I say instinctively. “Lance, gave me this promise ring last week for our anniversary, he’s a great guy.” As I am saying it out loud, I realize I sound more like I am trying to convince myself then Freddy.

“What about the tall blonde you’re with anyway? I’m sure you two are happy.” Our conversation makes me feel like we are back in high school. “It’s only our 3^rd date, and she’s honestly way too clingy for me.” He rubs his hand over his forehead pushing his hair back, briefly. “Oh, sorry to hear that.” I lie, looking behind Freddy, watching as the tall blonde makes her way over to us. “I’m back Freddy.” She says with a huge smile. “It’s Fred, remember.” He plasters on a fake smile, as the girl suddenly looks embarrassed. “Oh right. I forgot.” I look over at him whispering. “Fred?” He looks over. “Teresa this is Val, an old friend of mine from high school. Would you mind giving us a few minutes?” She looks to me.

“Hi.” She mutters. I can tell by the look on her face how insecure she feels. I feel a little bad myself suddenly, but I do want to talk to Freddy some more. “Yeah sure, I guess. I will just go out for a smoke then. I’ll be back.” Freddy nods in her direction as she walks off in a huff. “Yeah I hate being called Freddy. There’s only two people in the world who can call me that, and that I don’t mind and that’s my mom, and you.” I gulp hard. “I didn’t know you hated being called Freddy?” I laugh a little. “Well, my moms allowed to call me whatever she wants. Then there’s this girl who makes my heart skip a beat and she can call me whatever she wants too, but for totally different reason.” He smirks, his cheeks are bright red as he looks down and away from my direction.

“Really? after 16 years you tell me all these wonderful things and talk about how your heart still skips a beat. Why now Freddy? This isn’t fair.” His eyes lock back onto mine.

“I know it isn’t but I’m not lying. Seeing you walk over to me tonight, I felt as though fate were walking right up to me. I never thought I would see you again. I’ve been back in California for 4 months now and I too, have been looking for you Val.” I feel like I’m dreaming or like this isn’t reality, all of these things a girl wants to hear is coming out of his mouth. It all seems too good to be true, and too crazy. 16 years later and all this time waiting, crying, hoping, praying, then losing hope again.

“You know not one of the men that I have ever dated has even come close to what we had, even at 17 years old. I’m constantly asking myself how that is even possible?”

I expect him to look surprised, but he doesn’t even look phased by what I just said. “Did you become a veterinarian?” He asks. I nod. “Yes, I am?”

“So, what your saying is that I made the right decision by not calling you back then? Your dreams came true right?” I’m taken aback by his question.

“No, they didn’t come true, because I did lose something, I loved more than school, or my career even. I lost you, I lost the love of…” I pause, choking back tears.

“You lost the love of your life, right? I know that because so did I. At 17 years old, I lost the love of my life, how crazy do we both sound? It can’t be possible, right?” He asks me and I feel like I’m dreaming.

“Yeah, we sound beyond crazy. I’m glad I became a Vet, don’t get me wrong, but I’ve always wondered if it was worth it. I always wonder if I should have just, left California and moved to New York and searched for you. I always think about how I could have been in New York all these years in school, and with you...” Freddy wrinkles his forehead, a look of concern plaguing his face. “I think we have both made mistakes, and that we both clearly have some major regrets over the years.” I nod agreeing.

“So, what do we do now? I have my boyfriend Lance…” As I say “my” boyfriend and his name in the same sentence, I suddenly realize doesn’t hold much meaning to me anymore, as sad as it sounds. The word boyfriend doesn’t even hold much precedence right now.

Freddy nods slowly. “Well if your happy I’m happy for you Val, I would never want to take away your happiness.” A small smile forms on his lips. “I was happy I won’t lie but I do know that I have been happier though, a lot happier.” The smile on my face widens. I feel crazy for considering giving up Lance.

But then again, I often ask myself if Lance is just a filler, much like the other men in my life, have been. It wasn’t until this very moment that I finally realized that I might very well have been doing just that all these years. Filling a void, filling time, filling the heart ache. That even after 16 years I could still have these very real feelings for Freddy. Maybe these men were meant to be just that, fillers. “So, what does this mean then?”

 We both stare at one another, smiling the same crazy smile. “Well that depends how long are you in California for, or are you planning on disappearing on me again?” He blushes once more. “Well that all depends.”

 “On what exactly?” I ask raising my eyebrow at him. “On whether that is that an engagement ring on your hand? Or if you can leave here with me tonight and figure out our future together?” His eyes somehow look even lighter, and a lot more serious than before. “Hmm I don’t know.” I take the ring off my finger, setting it down on the bar. As I do, I feel like a huge weight is lifted off me. Like I am free to finally be with the man i was always meant to be with. The man I should have never been without.

Freddy smiles, as he puts his hand, in mine intertwining our fingers. We walk hand in hand out the door, as we walk out, we both look up at the neon sign hanging above the bar.

 “Hey, you think maybe that’s why they call this place Lucky’s?” Freddy mutters with a smile jokingly. I nod leaning forward and kissing him. "Yeah I think so.”