The Quiet Buzzing

My phone’s alarm went off on the dresser right next to my bed. It slowly aroused me from an unrestful slumber. I woke up feeling stressed as my mind ran through a list of what has to be done today. I’m a student at a high school and everyday leaves me tired and tension filled. My body was still in the same position I woke up in. For a second it felt like everything that I ever loved about school turned into monstrous beings. Friends turned into shadows, classes turned into prison cells, laughs turned into an irritating buzzing sound. I shook my head awake and those thoughts dissipate. Deep down I know these thoughts are nothing but illusions and hallucinations of the heart. A knock sounded at the door and my mother’s voice traveled into the room. “Wake up!” She yelled into the room while calling my name. “Schools about to start soon, don’t be late.” I replied quickly and got out of bed. My foot touched the cold ground and the chill air enveloped me while I’m in my pajamas. I grabbed my clothes from the hangar on the door and dashed right back in bed. The cold morning somehow added more weight to my already heavy heart and mind. I huddled up in my blanket while I waited for my body to warm up. The clock still ticked on and my body, despite my mind telling it to stay in bed, got up and started dressing. I walked into the bathroom and started to brush my teeth. Seeing myself in the mirror was always an either love or hate experience. I would always find a flaw or imperfection in my hair or face, then I magnify the problem until it seems like such a big deal to me yet it seems so minuscule to others. Like today, there are a few strands of hair that are sticking upwards towards the back of my head and I use ten minutes of my precious time trying to use water to press it down. I walk downstairs to the dining room where my mother has prepared my breakfast. The lights weren’t on so the dining room was illuminated with an eerie silver glow from the cloudy sky. Upon the table were a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I glumly sat down, still aware of heavy weight of my heart and mind. Something just doesn’t feel right. “Aw why the sad face?” My mom asked. Even I don’t know what I’m paranoid about. This is worse than having a reason to be upset. After I finished my breakfast I quickly got out the house not wanting to stay in that environment since the silver glow just makes things more bland and the air bitter cold. The feeling of uneasiness did not get out of my chest once I breathed in the fresh air. I walked to my bus stop and waited while my mind was in a frenzy. Are people gonna judge my outfit? Are people gonna judge my hair? How many people like me and how many don’t? Even when the bus arrived I couldn’t stop thinking. I slumped down into a seat and looked out the window. There was no color in my mind, everything is lifeless. And that buzzing in my heart never eased. My hands balled up into fists as I continued to have a sense of nervousness for things that are void. The bus pulled up to the school and as students started to get out, I got out my seat and already am judging myself on the way how I got out the seat. Was it smooth? Was it graceful? Once my feet finally touched the pavement I took a deep breath. The mysterious grip on my heart and mind loosened a little. But deep in the depths of my thoughts I knew that the quiet buzzing had already taken hold upon my heart, and this time strings of the heart will tangle the mind.