The Day Before Last

I took that walk because I couldn't be around you anymore. It seemed like every day was a new fight, and I was so tired. Tired of the fighting, of the yelling, of the butting of heads. I was tired of you, and you were tired of us. 

So I left. I walked out of the cabin right as the sky had turned a brazen red, the setting sun peeking above the snow drifts and through the trees. 

We rented this cabin because we both agreed that some seclusion together might be good for us. I think we both secretly knew it was stupid. Or pointless. Or both. We couldn't stand each other in the comfort of our own home, what made us think that spending way too much money to be uncomfortable and together in the woods would change that? 

Things had gotten tough about a year ago. My dad had passed, the big C kicking his chain smoking ass back to where it had come from. He deserved it, Martin Montes was not a kind man, especially in his advanced age. He spent everyday on the balcony of his Brooklyn walk-up, smoking hand rolled cigarettes and yelling that the pigeons were robots really made by the Soviet government as a way to keep a close eye on the citizens of our fine country. I tired to tell him that it's been decades since the USSR was a thing and that pigeons are just rats with wings, but my logic went in one ear and out the other. 

Anyway, he died and I shut down. I don't know how you put up with it really, but you did. You helped make all the arrangements because I had too many drinks at the bar with my good friends, Jack Daniels and Tito to even make a phone call for a cab. My dad was not a kind man, no, but he was my dad and without him I was lost and orphaned. My mom had passed away when I was young, my dad was the only parent I had ever known. 

After the funeral I started to pull myself back together, and you were there with me, patient as ever. But I was angry, and I took it out on you, and that's when everything had fallen apart. 

You could never forgive me for the things I said, and I don't blame you, I was an asshole and I spent more time yelling and pushing you away than breathing. 

So you started being home less, and staying later at work and going to dinner with this friend and that friend. I knew you were cheating. Like I said, I don't blame you, but I just can't move on from it. Maybe it would help if you knew that I knew but I just can't handle the possibility of you, with those big round green eyes, tears pooling on the rims, taking your things and leaving. So I let you do what feels best for you and I keep my mouth shut. But that means we haven’t stopped fighting. 

A hoot echos behind me and I stop in my tracks. I’ve been mindlessly walking for what seems like forever, but is probably closer to 20 minutes, and look up. The bronze sky has started to cool to a frozen green, melting with the endless black of night. It’s getting late and I should be heading back, but the chill of the air feels good on my face, the pins on the tip of my nose reminding me that I can feel something other than this dark anger. 

I can picture you back at the cabin, a mug in hand, sitting in front of a crackling fire on one of the plush leather couches, shaking your head and mumbling comebacks better than the ones you actually said. Maybe you’d be biting your nails, you always do that when you get angry. 

I walked through the night, carefully walking straight ahead so that when the time came to turn around, I could just walk directly back to you. 

My eyes are so tired, and it’s so cold. A quick rest wouldn’t hurt and logic tells me that I should really be heading back to the cabin, but my pride gets the better of me and I opt to just take a short nap against on of the trees on the path. 

The silence of a winter morning is almost eerie, there’s no birds singing and in this case, no annoying neighbors going for a morning jog with their talkative dogs, just endless silence and the occasional crunch of snow or howl of wind through the trees. 

It’s started snowing again, soft small flakes fluttering down around me, too pretty to be real and too delicate to be fake. I can’t say that it’s not picturesque, and finally I’m starting to feel the calm of the air around me going into my lungs, slowing my heart and easing my brain, every breath taking me down a notch. I take a moment and look around, turning a full 360 degrees. 

And then I notice it. 

I crouch down to touch the fresh snow at my feet. My gaze lifting to follow where my tracks should have been. But they’re not there. No foot steps. I can feel my face contort into confusion. Could the snow have covered them? I look up… no, there’s no way. I straighten up, and start backing away but still no foot prints follow me. I stumble on a stray root because I’m not looking where I’m going and landed right on my ass. That must leave a mark in the snow…right? 

I scramble to get up, willing there to be a me-shaped indent where I took my tumble, but there’s not. Just clean, untouched snow. 

What is happening? 

I start running, bolting it back to you. My heart and mind are racing, how can this be? What is happening? Am I dead? Am I alive? 

Finally, I enter the small clearing that our cabin is situated on. There’s small dark grey wisps of smoke emanating from the chimney. Thank God, you’re there, you can help me. 

I try to open the door but my hand just falls through it and I start freaking out more. That’s it, I’m a ghost. I will never get the chance to hold you again. Never will I brush away the stray hair from your face or see your face light up when I walk into the room. 

I stumble through the door, literally through the door, and I can feel the warm, wet tears on my face. All I can think about it is you. How I neglected you, pushed you away, treated you wrong. You deserve so much more. You are a light that rivals the sun- hot, bright, infectious. And I’m the asshole who has been ignoring you for the past year. 

I’m screaming your name, but you can’t hear me. This is Hell, isn’t it? Doomed for all eternity to watch the one you love live on? 

I must have frozen to death on that walk, that damn walk. 

I can’t help it now, I’m on my knees in a full sob. If only I had another chance, just one more day to show how much you mean to me, to say good-bye.

Suddenly, an envelope slides in from under the door and I can tell it’s no ordinary envelope. My name is written across the front in delicate gold calligraphy. The paper itself is weighty and almost has an iridescent shimmer. 

This day just keeps getting crazier and crazier. I rip open the letter and inscribed inside are four words in the same golden cursive:

“You have 24 hours.”

In the blink of an eye I’m back to last night before I left, before the fight started. 

The heat from the crackling fire across from me radiates to my face, I swear it feels so good that I could stuck my whole head into the inferno. 

“ Hun, would you mind drying while I wash?” Your voice rung out from the kitchen. 

24 hours, huh? One day to sway the Gods in my favor and convince them to let me stay with you.

I stand and practically run to you. Pulling you in tight, tighter than I have every hugged anyone, tighter than is probably comfortable for you. 

“I love you.” I manage to whisper as I pull away. 

Let the countdown begin.