Grooms worst nightmare

I was pacing back and forth as the jitters finally gnaw at me since time was cornering in. I impatiently watch the clocks tiny handle slowly tick as the seconds go by. In the quietness you could hear the tip taps from the hard soles of my shoes from my brutal tapping against the floor bouncing in the long halls decorated in gold and pink. Precipitation was forming at the back of my neck due to how rarely I wore tuxedos. I look back into the mirror attached to the wall and as a reflex touch my now smooth clean-shaved jaw where there used to be a stubble, which made me look twice as young.

I’m getting married, I reminded to myself

I look at the familiar pink flowers in the decor, and I’m hit with a sense of nostalgia as I reminisce about our first date where I took her to a picnic in the middle of a flower field and just how coincidentally those pink flowers, we were laying under were her favorites. I still remember during my youth I was a bashful kid; I only finally got the guts to ask her out on graduation day of high school in a stuttering mess, the rest was all history.

A tingling sensation runs up my spine making me shiver. I clench and unclench my hand continuously letting my nails dig into my palm leaving tiny crescent shaped moons behind its wake. I could feel my stomach knot up as I shift my weight from one foot to the other.

Is this what cold feet feels like?

Running my hand through my hair for the hundredth time this hour, biting my lip I look towards the drinks laying on the table near me. Glancing around the room.

Ok, just one more drink to calm the nerves, I mentally promise myself

Just as I was about to gulp down the third shot glass of whiskey, its snatched right under my fingers by someone. Looking up I see none other than my best man, Brad with a scorning look with one of his eyebrows raised as he places the drink back down.

“I think that’s enough shots for you, doubt Annalise would appreciate you reading your vows shit-faced” he chuckles to himself. Annalise was my fiancé or also known as my soon-to-be-wife. I sigh and nod in acknowledgement.

“Man. I just- I guess- I can’t believe this is happening, you know?” I sigh

“No, I don’t” he grins back playfully. Nudging him on the shoulder playfully, I let out a laugh. Brad was like the brother I never had; he knew me like the back of his hand. We were there for each other since practically kindergarten, and nothing could change that.

“I want to move in with her, get a pet, make a family with her, let her be the mother of our children, and to just exist together. I- I can’t even begin to explain what I’m feeling” I let out.

“you don’t have to explain yourself to anyone, just know that both of you love each other, and that’s all that matters” he says in a genuine voice patting my back.

I let out a content sigh as we both bask in the peaceful quietness. Making me realize this would be the last time I will be alone like this.

I should pee again just encase, I thought to myself

“I’m going to go head to the washroom, and try to collect my thoughts, you coming?” I say looking back at him, heading to the other side of the hall

“nah, I’m gonna go check how the others doing” Brad replies hands in his pockets as he stealthily makes his escape.

Entering the restroom, I quickly let my thoughts run back to Annalise. She was like a candle in the darkness. When I was with her, the rest of the world feels like a blur. Her voice was like a song I wasn’t ready to stop. I could watch her talk animatedly for hours while running my hands through her hair and not get bored. When she talks about something she likes, there’s that twinkle you’ll see in her eyes, and when she grins the dimple on her left cheeks becomes more prominent while the corners of her eyes would crease. It was a contagious sight to see, you can’t just help but to smile back.

Washing my hands under the faucet and turning it off. I look up at myself in the mirror upfront of me, I let out a gust of breath and smile.

I’m getting married, I repeated to myself.

Pushing the doors open, allowing my skin to feel the frigid air of the hallways conditioning, turning around the corner I could hear the audible sound of moaning and what almost sounds like the smacking of lip on lip.

I mean I knew weddings are all about love and compassion, but the groom and bride haven’t even wedded yet. 

After humoring myself, the curious side in me was tempted find out who thought it was a bright idea to make-out in the halls where anyone can pass by. Obviously, my inner Sherlock Holmes won the battle, and went to go scavenge the couple. As I got closer to the corner towards the unsuspecting victims, the sounds got louder as though they were echoing of the walls. Squinting my eyes as I peek through the walls, nothing could prepare me for what I saw next.

my fiancé was furiously kissing with some strange man, my heart dropped to the floor. I couldn’t fathom a thing. Why my soon to be wife was kissing him hard like it was her last time. My brain is constantly searching for an answer like a cellphone searching for signal. The very act was hurting my eyes, and my heart was threatening to burst from my ribcage.

“I’m going to miss you” the strange man spoke in a familiar raspy soft voice. I couldn’t see who it was as his back was facing me. I watched as they whispered to each other in hushed voices. How long was this going on for?

I loved her.

I gave her everything, what did I not give her? What could that man give that I couldn’t give her? I was dumbfounded. I could feel the slight burn in my eyes from not blinking for a good one minute. The man slowly started to turn giving me a slight view of his face and what I saw made me stumble back a few steps.

No, it can’t be

I stare in shock at the fact, the person who was squished in between Annalise’s arms was none other than my mother in her short pixie haircut and silk suit, almost mistaking her for a man. I always knew Annalise was bisexual, it was no secret, I knew it way before I dated her in high school as she dated a girl before me. I never really had a problem with it until now. The blow would have been much better if it were any other girl, but the reality was set. The horror and mortification slowly started to settle in, as my eyes enlarged probably to the size of saucers.

Then memory by memory it all starts coming in. How whenever I used to tell Annalise ‘she was not my mother’ when she ordered me around, she would start to hysterically laugh as if it were the funniest thing. Or how every time they said they were having a girl’s night and giggled as though they knew something I did not. But truly, I had no clue.

It was happening right under my nose and I didn’t even see it coming. I never complained about how Annalise used to hog my mom a lot when I noticed them cuddled on the sofa or bed, simply thinking she needed it since she grew up without a mother. Oh, how I was so clueless.

Shame and embarrassment washed over me like a bucket of cold water. The pounding in my temple only seemed to be getting louder making me stagger back, the clicking of my shoes must’ve gotten their attention as they whipped back just in time to see my grief-stricken face.

I watch as panic flowed into Annalise’s face as she started walking towards me.

“don’t” I whispered in a tiny voice looking down. I doubted if she even heard me, but it seems she did as I heard the halt of hear heels.

“I can explain- “looking up she stopped mid-sentence. I could see multiple emotions flickering across her face, but most prominently guilt in her eyes, as the ends of her lips were facing down.

My hurt slowly turned into anger. I was furious. How could they. What happened to those seven years of our life we spent together? What happened to family? I could feel my face heating up in anger. I should have never let my guard down.

How could they

“How could you?” I said in the most menacing voice I mustered 

“HOW COULD YOU” I said even louder probably catching the attention of nearby passers. Hot angry tears were running down my now probably crimson face. I watched as both my mother and Annalise flinched at the tone of my voice.

“pl-please, let’s talk this out, I promise- I- “Annalise stuttered.

“I loved you” I said my voice sounding broken filled with sorrow and sadness, as I wiped my eyes vigorously to get rid of my tears.

“y-yes, and if we can just talk this out- “

 “no, I can’t” I chocked the words out although it hurt me. Looking at her pained me, she seemed almost as though a stranger to me now. I didn’t know which version of her was the real her.

I looked back straight at my mother’s eyes who was still ways far behind Annalise as she avoided my stare, looking from left to right. I was the most hurt by her, I remember how my mother once told me when I was small that “no matter what, family always stick together and has each other’s back, family is always first”

So much for being family, I thought bitterly.

Looking at her I spoke in the most monotone voice as I directed my next words to my mother “No wonder baba left you” turning my back towards the both. I could hear a small gasp, loud enough to hear through the empty halls. I grabbed the bow tie from my neck and threw it down on the ground stomping over it as I go.

I never liked wearing tuxedos anyways.

I pushed opened the hotels doors open into the early nights breeze letting out a breath I watched as a gust of cloud escapes my mouth. Looking back behind me, I was surprised to see that Annalise was steps behind me with a tear stained face, my hand itched to wipe the next oncoming tear that fell down her cheek, but I didn’t.

I was disappointed and shattered at the fact it wasn’t my mother. My mind was in a turmoil, my whole life practically consisted of her, she fed me, raised me, cared for me. Or was all of it a lie? Did she even love me as much as I loved her? She didn’t even bat an eyelid for me when I confronted her.

“pl-please just listen to me, it was never supposed to go for th-this long, but-t it just happened, I’m s-so sorry Devon, I still love you, p-please come back” she hiccupped. My silence was enough of an answer for her as she continued to bawl even harder than before.

I looked at her for one last time trying to memorize all her features, finally looking directly into her eyes I turn back to continue wherever my feet plan to take me. I guess it’s true that love does run dry, because I question anything will fix this broken heart. I only have myself to fend for now.

Looking up into the starry filled sky I make my venture into the eerie night, suit jacket draped over my shoulder as I drown myself in blue thoughts. Even though Annalise broke me, I don’t think I’ll ever stop looking at her as if she put the stars in the sky and the beat in my heart.