N stands for nothing

Her name started with N.

That’s all she could remember. It didn’t mattered to know the rest, anyway. Nobody had never called her any name since…how long? She only kept tracks of days thanks to the watch in her wrist, the only possession of hers that proved that she once had a life. Because even if she was still able to feel pain and cold, she didn’t felt alive.

She knew that there were many thoughts about life, but she doubted that any of them involved being a piece of meat that always shivered and coughed constantly, looking for something to put in its mouth and worshiped even the tiniest flame. The only difference between her and that was the name she used to have. But she couldn’t even remember it well, and when it’s finally forgotten…She was really one letter away from stopping being a person?

N decided to leave those thoughts away. If she didn’t, it would be impossible for her to remain positive. It was the only thing that kept her from losing her mind: promises of something better.

Even if those promises never came true.

N immediately focused on the small flame she could kept. It was the size of her thumb and the candle that supported it wouldn’t last more than 1 hour, maybe a little more if she was luckily. However, it was enough. She knew she couldn’t expect much at this point, besides, it allowed her to see her the hour.

The hands on the wristwatch were so, so close to twelve. If N’s track of time was right, 365 days had already passed. In other words, a whole year. That was amazing, really. All the chaos, the hiding, the running, the absolute loneliness she faced…everything felt like a decade and she could swore it was one, if it wasn’t for the watch that contradicted her. She would accept being wrong, because despite everything, N was still able to have rational thoughts. 365 days were a year, which was an undeniable fact. A fact that also implied another thing: it was New Year’s Eve.

So, it took her a year to forget her own name…wait, worse than that, it probably took less. She was still called “N something” for a while after everything started.

No, she was wrong.

Everything ended that day. Her routine, her plans, nature, society as whole and life as she knew. Nothing was starting, death was the only thing that happened since that day. Actually, it wasn’t even right to call it a day. Days are supposed to have sun, and there wasn’t any in that moment. Neither was after. And not after that.

Unsurprisingly, right now it wasn’t, either. And there she was, sitting in a toilet, inside a building that could perfectly be a house, or a store, or a public bathroom. There wasn’t any difference. Everything looked the same in the darkness, and everything was cold under the snow.

But maybe today…not, tonight, it was totally tonight. Why she forgot her name but refused to leave the word “day” and the ones that contained it out of her vocabulary? She didn’t understand how she could be there today, daydreaming of the daylight warming her skin after 365 days of…

She groaned, in that raspy tone her voice had acquired. She was totally obsessed with day, her desperation was more clear than anything there.

Anyway, maybe tonight it was different. Yes, she was still alone, cold and starving, but there was a difference: she was alone, cold and starving in New Year’s Eve, an event that only happened once in a year. That alone should make it special.

-Yes, it’s very special. - N said to herself, a habit she gained because she wanted to hear a human voice, even if it was her own. - Totally special…

But only took her a while to leave the facade.

-Liar. There’s nothing special about it, leave that fake positivity of yours already.  

N never felt that her life was special. She was just an average looking girl, with a typical upbringing, regular incomes and without any great achievements whatsoever. It was a bit disappointing, but she, always trying to see the bright side of thing often thought it was just a matter of time. She just became of age, what a better moment to start showing her true potential? Her life was truly starting, and who knows, she could end up becoming…

The last one to die.

She only resisted the urge to do a face palm because her cold hands would freeze her face more than it was, even though the gloves.

-Don’t tell me you’ll see that as something good.

Yet, she couldn’t help it. As twisted at it was, having the title to the last human standing could be a big achievement. There were people that were far stronger, richer and overall more privileged than her, and yet N was the only one to last that long. Claiming such achievement was something daring, but after so much time without any human interaction or even the sight of one made her feel confident about the statement. And if it happened that someone was still living somewhere, well…

She was sorry that she wouldn’t be able to meet them.

Death seemed close to N in many, many occasions. In such times, she’ll fear for her life only to feel absolute relief to see herself alive once more. However, this time it felt like the ultimate one. Because she couldn’t find food anywhere, nor warm and the closest thing she got to water was a snow that would freeze her mouth and ice that was unable to melt with her small flames. Yet, she wasn’t that scared for her eventual death.

After everything and everyone she cared about was gone like sand, the sole act of existing was a pain. Death became a wish she was too coward to fulfil, even when she had the resources to do so at times. Now it was different, because even if she tried to survive, her fate was sealed. There wasn’t any regret or turning back.

She was going to die in New Year’s Eve, exactly at 23:46. Such a record. Will someone ever break it? She smiled a bit, finding the thought dark but funny. Actually, wasn’t she reaching two records? One as the longest surviving human and other as the longest-standing record.

She giggled this time, only to star an uncontrollable coughing afterwards. Her throat felt like it was tearing apart, but at least she wouldn’t have to deal with it for much now.

It was already 23:50 and she still lived. How surprising. Next year was close and she still…

-…Another year? - N barely managed to articulate.

She could made it to next year, couldn’t she? If she did, then, technically she lived for two years.

Only one year more. That’s it.

N knew that nobody will witness of recognize her achievement in case she succeeded, but she didn’t care. Even if it was just for a moment, she finally had a reason to keep living. N, and likely humanity, could last one more year.

She only needed ten minutes. And then, she’ll be gone for good. If she could last a whole year, ten minutes should be easy, she thought.

Sadly, her body quickly told her otherwise. Breathing was never that difficult and moving was already impossible. Opening her mouth alone in search of breath was already painful. The dizziness in her head wasn’t helping much, either.

Already 23:54, almost there. Just six minutes, six simple minutes to reach a goal. She had to do it, in the memory of all those New Year’s resolutions she always left forgotten. It was such an irony; even if she didn’t remember those resolutions, she knew none of them could be as difficult as keep breathing.

According to the wristwatch, she was still surviving at 23:57. Maybe she should start the countdown? No, it wasn’t a good idea as her breathing became worse and a migraine invaded her head. As for the rest of her body, it felt like it didn’t belong to her anymore. N was unable to lift a single finger and yet, she knew she wasn’t dead because the watch’s hands kept moving.

N wished she could smile, because she finally reached 23:59. One more minute of life and she’ll became the only one who reached next year. Nobody would know that, but she still allowed herself to play that scenario in her head: some people or any other species finding in the future finding about her and her record. She was going to be remembered as…N.

Only as N.

It was a shame she couldn’t remember her name. If she did, she would have written it somewhere. Just someone could remember. But if not even her did, why should she?

Anyways, what was N for? Nicole? Natalie? Nora? Nancy?

0:00.

"Happy New Year"

It was fianlly done. Well, that name wasn’t important anymore. It probably meant Nothing.

And nothing else she felt after that last thought.