Hesitation

Chiro stared out his window at the stars above, his shoulders slumped. A grimace marred his face as he didn't let himself think about the suitcase still open on his bed where he hadn't allowed himself to pack just yet.

He looked out at the town he had called home all his life, coming alive with the night and the people living slightly less in fear with the officers who terrorized them during the day at home with their families should they have one.

He had been preparing this for three years. He had made sure his grades were perfect. He had learned the language despite limited opportunities. He had somewhere to go. So why? Why was he hesitating?

He heard the door open, and he turned to see Claudia step inside. He gave her a greeting smile before turning back out the window. 

"So you're really gonna do it?" His big sister asked, her hips swaying as she walked over and leaned at the windowsill next to him. She noticed his downcast expression and followed his gaze towards the birch leaf spirea bush below. She bent down and plucked one of the white flowers and spun it between her fingers. "Penny for your thoughts?"

Chiro offered out his hand, and she put a penny into it. He inspected the coin for a few minutes before heaving a sigh.

"I hate it here." He said, gesturing out at the town. "Every time I go outside, the more I start looking..." he shook himself. "It's only a matter of time before the police come after me."

"Well," Claudia tried, "I've heard they're more equal opportunity shooting people for no reason these days or getting there at least." Chiro scoffed.

"Says the one that still looks white." He pulled slightly away. "I know Mamma still thinks I shouldn't go. She'll probably track me down and drag my ass back here eventually."

"Nah, she's still busy burning down the hotel again for the insurance," Claudia replied, rolling her eyes. "At least that'll give you a head start." Her tone became serious. "I'm happy here, Chiro. Richard and I know our lives are here, but if you really don't think you belong here, why should you stay?" Chiro just shrugged listlessly.

"What if I get there...and it's nothing like I imagined?" He asked. "What if everything I've been imagining and hoping for years is a lie and it's just as bad or even worse than here!" 

Claudia narrowed her eyes. "Worse than here? Come on, Chiro, I might be content here, but I'll be the first to admit a hellhole." She shrugged. "And come on, it's just college. Worst case, you drop out or come back here. You might get a long 'I told you so' rant from Mamma, but at least you can say you tried."

"Why are you so determined to get me to go?" Chiro asked, and Claudia went quiet, crossing her arms and holding out her hand expectantly. Chiro huffed and gave her back the penny. She grinned at the return of the small coin and explained.

"Richard is looking forward to a family dinner without something going horribly wrong. I'm pretty sure he's got a whole party planned for when you leave. He's still pissed you ruined our wedding."

"He's the one who took advice from a spiteful thirteen-year-old!" Chiro shouted in exasperation despite laughing, and Claudia laughed as well.

"I know, I know, and yet he's still determined." Her laughter subsided. "But in all seriousness, I don't want you to throw your whole life away because you got cold feet. You were kinda scaring me before you actually got a drive in life, so you shouldn't give that up."

Chiro thought about those years walking around, not sure of his place in the world or why he should even be alive in a world that didn't seem to have any purpose for him. Maybe if he left, he could find that purpose without fear of being murdered.

He brightened a bit. What did he have to stay for? Surely Mamma would understand eventually, even if she was stubborn, and that might take a decade or two. And if she turned out to be right, he knew he had somewhere to come back to.

"Can you help me pack?" He asked finally. "I know I'm going to forget something as usual, and you're much better at that than me."

"Oh yeah," she nodded, "Remember that time you left your deodorant at the cabin, and then we had to go on a road trip?" She gagged. "I still haven't forgiven you for that." She walked into his bathroom and pulled out the toiletries, and put them in a bag that she placed on the nightstand right next to his alarm clock. "Don't you forget this."

Claudia helped him pack, and she nearly banged her head against the wall as he didn't sort things exactly as she would for maximum efficiency. 

"If you want room for all of your clothes, you have to be as careful as possible with folding," she explained, only to get smacked with a pillow. Chiro grinned mischievously, and Claudia grabbed her own pillow. "Oh it is on, you little twerp!"

Screams came from both siblings as they bounced on the bed and dodged around each other and their blows. As usual, it ended in a stalemate, and they laid on the bed next to each other. The comforter pulled haphazardly on top of them after it had fallen over in the scuffle.

"Don't worry too much, Chiro," Claudia assured him sleepily. "Everything's gonna be a-okay!" 

Chiro glanced back out the window at the night sky, where it was blissfully quiet. It wasn't often that it was silent, even from where they lived a fair distance from the main sources of noise from the small city.

It only served to remind him that he didn't belong here, despite the fond memories. Perhaps even if he could live here without being killed, he wanted more out of life than to follow in the footsteps of his parents and burn down a hotel for insurance occasionally.

He turned on his side and continued to stare out at the sky. What would the stars be like on the other side of the world?

He supposed there was only one way to find out.