BETWITCHED

Words 1,079

BETWITCHED

“Wow, this place sure looks different. Smells kind of funky too, like, like --” 

“You mean like nothing!  Well, maybe Lysol.”

Yep, the ambience is gone; that’s for sure. And this place is so goddamn clean. Not a crumb or peanut shell to be found.  

“Wonder why? This always was one of my favorite haunts.

“Health inspectors closed it. Vermin.”

Well, that’s a crock. 

“But at least we can be alone. That’s why I chose this very empty place.   C’mon, join me on the bar for old times’ sake. “

“Don’t think it was that long ago. “

“Yeah, probably not.   I get around, but hey, you still look great”

“What kind of a line is that?”

“Conga line.”

“Have you ever seen one?”

“Well, ah, well, no. Just heard the words. Uncomfortable chatter… But seriously, you do look good; plumpness becomes you. “ 

“Ah, now there’s that charmer I remember.” And yes, I have put on a few ounces. How nice of you to notice because— “

 “Because why? “

“What do you remember about that night?”

“Food here on this very same bar top. Crackers with peanut butter and cheese. Delicious!”  Better than their usual pretzels… So salty. 

“And that’s all you remember?” 

“Love to eat, so I remember food. But, seeing you now, how could I forget how adorable you were when that cute little nose of yours twitched like that blonde babe on TV. Actually, I’m not big on blondes. A brunette guy myself.”

“Well, you did think I was adorable, and I thought you were a bit of a hunk, so I guess since we were crazy high from imbibing inhalants, we decided to play the mating game in this exact place and –”

“So, you got me here to tell me that I am  the –”

“Father. Yes. I’m very fertile, so what? 

“I got other kids, you know.”

“No, I didn’t know. How the heck would I? It’s not as if we were writing each others’ life stories. We barely talked, as I recall. But how many kids?”

“Hell, I don’t know. Told you I’m a player. I get around.” 

“Yeah, me too. Getting rounder and rounder. I have other kids too. All grown, scavenging for themselves.” 

“Hey, did I ever tell you about my encounter with a cat?”

“So I tell you you’re going to be a father and you come up with this stalling tactic cat story because you don’t want to talk about the elephant in the room.”

No, I want to talk about the cat that’s not in this room.  I’m terrified of those felines. “

“Look, I don’t like them either, but I invited you here to discuss our one and only dalliance on this very bar top in a crowded, smoky, liquor-laden, pot-filled room!” 

“But the screams and looks on the faces of all the customers before they turned away... Epic.” 

“Turns out it was a highlight of my life, but the price was steep.   Look at me now; barefoot and pregnant…again!”

“But such pretty, long, graceful toes.  

“Shit, my eyes are gonna get stuck mid-roll here, but do tell me this grand cat story.“

“Long tale very short. I am headed home, running through an of course dark alley,  when I see this cat. Not just any cat – an enormous cat. I mean like a cougar-sized cat, that actually did have a very long tail.”

“Maybe it was a cougar.”

“Have you ever seen a white cougar?”

“No, but I’ve seen a white rat.”

 “Can we get back to my story?”

“If we must.”

Okay,  we link eyes. Hers were blue. Cataphobic as I am, I scramble behind a trashcan. 

“Ooh, the great brave, gets around, player boy is scared of a little kitty cat and lives to tell the tale. I might need to rethink about whether you’re such great daddy material after all.”

“Just let me finish.  Me,  the cat hater and Daisy, the cougar cat became fast friends. “She comes over to my digs. I go to hers. “

“Well, that is quite a story. Next time you see Daisy, please give her a hug from me. And thanks for sharing.  Now let’s talk about you sharing some  responsibility for our  eminent brood.”

“You said brood? Like how many?”

“Well, let’s put it this way. I’ve got Octomom beat.  Want to feel them?”

“Oh my god, that is so cool. Soooo cool!   Like there is a whole soccer team doing bicycle kicks at the same time. Do they bruise your belly?”

“No, it just feels kind of wiggly and giggly.”

“That sure is a whole lot of mouths to feed. What if?” 

“Go on. What if what?”

“Just thinking that maybe, just maybe, I’d be willing to help out.”

“That’s what  I mean. Now that’s what I was hoping for. I could kiss you.”

“Isn’t that what got you into this mess in the first place.”

“Well, you did have something to do with it.”

 “I suppose. So here’s what I propose… Nix that.  Nix that.  Wrong word. I don’t propose. I definitely do not propose, but I do suggest we dance while you’re still relatively svelte?  I mean, haven’t you always wanted to spin around on a bar top, like in those musicals? “   

“Yeah, if I didn’t have two left feet. “

“C’mon, just a couple of twirls. It kind of helps to spin ideas into my brain.”

“Don’t blame me if I break your legs.”  

“I’m pretty flexible.”

“Wish there was music.”

“I can sing off-key.”

“Pass.”

“But you’re not doing badly. In fact, we’re pretty in sync. And thoughts are just twirling in my head faster than we are, like, how ‘bout if – “

“Slow down.  Slow down, please,  I’m feeling dizzy. Oh, thanks. Much better. But you were saying something like, how ‘bout if. Like if what?”

“What if I provided the bedding for the nursery?”

“Oh, that would be a huge help… But nothing synthetic. Only natural materials like cotton, silk, or bamboo.”

“Gees, if you aren’t gonna be the prima donna mom.” I mean here I am thinking I was going to teach our kids all about hunting and gathering and you’re prepping them for a prom.”

“You mean you would really be willing to be involved?” 

“Sure. You had me way back at nose twitching.” 

“Hug?”

“Okay, then let’s get ready for our rat pack.”