Gouri

Gouri

By Miranda Soares

It’s been three weeks since the clocks stopped ticking, 491 hours since I last breathed, and there are 32 hours left until the world ends. I should probably be enjoying my summer by now, but there is no sun outside. It took us all by surprise. And now, hearing that almost everything I know is a lie, I don’t know what to believe. I wish I understood the cause of this, but I’ve just been told to stay calm. It’s only been dark for three weeks, but it feels more like a long, painful lifetime. I barely remember how it happened.

***

June 12, 1:00 AM -  When Everything Stopped

The details are blurry. But here’s what I remember: I was waiting for the love of my life to call me back after I freaked out because we weren’t gonna see each other for several weeks due to Insider/Outsider conflicts. Yes, I overreacted, but I thought it would all be fine because we loved each other, I had calmed down, and we just promised our lives to each other earlier that day. I was wrong. It’s all my fault. He did call, but not to talk sweetly to me about how everything was gonna be okay. He was ending things. 

I was in shock. My friends came to check on me, but no one could find a pulse. He completely disappeared from my life, removing any way for me to reach him. I discovered the details and reasons after the fact. But nothing makes sense. The Outsiders told me everything I did wrong, how I have been a terrible person. Everything was cold. Where is this coming from? Maybe I am a terrible person. I spent three weeks sending emails. Begging for answers. Begging for my life back. The Outsiders got angry. I am a terrible person. I should accept my fate. The Outsiders called me crazy. Leave him alone. I am crazy. Maybe. 

July 2, 12:00 PM - The Plan

Everything will be okay. On June 18th, the day of the new moon, I drove down the Tyche Trail. Every new moon they put out a bucket, strips of paper, and special pens. You write what you desire and what you wish to be rid of. Two lines. And then, the night of the full moon, The Insiders set them on fire. The idea is that what you write will come true. Should the moon be gracious enough that is. Stella says it’s a load of shit, but I disagree. I know it’s real. Because if not…

What did I wish for? If I say it, it won’t come true. At least I think that’s how it works. Anyway, I know everything will be okay because the moon will grant me my wishes. The full moon is tonight at 8:00 AM. I guess that’s technically tomorrow morning, but I will be asleep and my plan starts tonight. It also happens to be the anniversary of the day I first met Elio. It’s fate. It has to be. 

Maybe I was crazy, but I have been doing everything right. Stella rolled her eyes at me when I told her only half of my plan, but I am not worried. She told me, “...you have to stay grounded. Come on Selene. You’re setting yourself up for pain that can be easily avoided.”, but she’s wrong. She doesn’t feel the things that I feel. My soul is supercharged and everything is gonna be okay. The Outsiders are wrong. 

So here’s my full plan: it’s not that I don’t fully believe in the Tyche burning, but it’s just that I have to be extra cautious to make sure that nothing gets messed up. I’m just being careful, that’s all. Step 1, the most important step, is that I can’t let The Outsiders know what I’m planning. If they find out, I am worse than dead. The Outsiders don’t believe in Gouri, if they had it their way, it would be illegal. The Insiders are to thank for its legality, though their power has been dwindling more and more each day, so most people don’t practice Gouri anymore. Even The Insiders themselves are cautious and skeptical now. But I still believe. I won’t let The Outsiders change my mind. I have to believe, it's my only hope to get my life back…

Step 2 is the rituals. I guess it’s more like multiple steps since there are multiple rituals, but I’m counting it as one. These rituals aren’t official Gouri because, well, I made them up. But I know that if I follow these rituals, it will help bring Elio back to me. No, Elio will come back to me. I didn’t drive Elio away. The Outsiders are wrong. There are three rituals, the peplos ritual, the petra ritual, and the pneuma ritual. Finally, step 3, the last step, is to wait for the Tyche burning and everything should fall into place. 

July 2, 1:00 PM - The Peplos Ritual

Is it a bit late in the day to be changing clothes? Perhaps. If The Outsiders knew, they’d be tempted to lock me up. I mean, they already think I’m “imbalanced”. If they heard about my failure to keep to the schedule, or worse yet, my rituals, like I said before, I’d be worse than dead. But The Outsiders are wrong and they won’t find out, so everything is gonna be okay. 

Here’s how the ritual works: I have very specific pieces of clothing I have tied to certain events. And so, since this has to do with Elio, I will wear the clothing that is tied to Elio. The moon will see this as a message, as a sign that I deserve a second chance at life. And Elio will come back because maybe I am imbalanced, but he’s not an Outsider. The Outsiders are wrong. 

I put everything on in order too, because you can’t be too careful. I look possibly presentable for the first time since I died. I feel better. I’m also keeping mostly off the internet today. The internet is the easiest way for The Outsiders to get wind of my plans. I can’t risk it. I’ll have to give Stella updates some other time. She’ll understand. 

The Outsiders are the only tie I have left to Elio. So in truth, it’s hard to resist. It’s especially hard to resist on Sundays because that’s the day The Outsiders do their internet patrols. I’m tempted to sign on and send Outsider M a message because he’s the closest to Elio, but he’s also the one I’ve had the most run-ins with, so I’ll refrain today. 

Outsider M and I have had a tense relationship, to say the least. I met him through Elio. Before Elio, I only associated with Insiders, despite my parents being Outsiders. Stella and her parents are Insiders, I’m an Insider… But when I met Elio, well, pretty much all of his friends and family are Outsiders, so I had to widen my horizons. Elio hasn’t chosen yet. When you turn 19, you have to choose to be either an Insider or an Outsider. Well, it’s the illusion of choice because really it’s based on how you are as a person. I always saw Elio as an Insider. At least, I hoped that’s what he’d be because Insiders and Outsiders can’t be together. They’re too fundamentally different. Of course, you can change to be with someone, but that means giving up a big part of who you are and it’s never lasted before. And anyway, based on what I’ve known about Elio, which I thought was everything, I was sure he was going to be an Insider. Now I’m not.

When I met Outsider M, I thought he was great. Actually, he changed my opinion on Outsiders completely. Prior to him, I believed Outsiders to be arrogant pricks. But he wasn’t. He was kind and respectful… to be honest, he seemed like more of an Insider. But then It happened. He showed his true colours. He told me someday Elio would become an Outsider and leave me because of my problems. The Outsiders are wrong. I am not crazy. So I told Elio, but he couldn’t believe what I had said. I decided to swallow my pride and keep the peace with Outsider M despite what he did, but tensions have been high ever since. Needless to say, I hate him. Maybe I am the problem. But he is Elio’s closest confidant so… that’s where we currently stand. 

It’s time for the petra ritual. 

June 2, 2:00 PM - The Petra Ritual

The petra ritual is the simplest. Tyche Trail is covered in multicoloured rocks. It’s Hell to drive on, but each colour of rock represents a different Gouri value. Red - Positivity, Orange - Productivity, Yellow - Humility, Green - Admiration, Purple - Generosity, Blue - Love. They say if you need something, while you drive down Tyche Trail, that colour of rock will land on your car. I say screw that. I know what I need. I need Love. So, as I drove down Tyche Trail on June 18th of the new moon, I picked up a blue rock. 

Typically, the rock landing on your car is enough. You’re not really supposed to take them, but I took that blue rock for my petra ritual and tied a string onto it which I will be wearing around my neck for the rest of the day. I keep it hidden in my shirt like the promise chain Elio had given me months before. When my life ended I got rid of it on The Outsiders’ orders, but I wish I hadn’t. I am crazy. This will make up for it though. It won’t matter once my plan has succeeded. 

I look down at the beige string peeking out of my shirt. Stella would be furious if she knew about all this. She told me to stop with my “superstitions” years ago. She told me, “Selene, you’re only putting yourself in danger by partaking in this bullshit.” And to be fair, I listened for a time. But desperate times call for desperate measures. I can’t live if I don’t do this. And if this doesn’t work, the world will end. And The Outsiders will have been right. I am terrible. But it will work so there’s no need to even entertain that thought. 

June 2, 3:00 PM - The Pneuma Ritual

This is the most important ritual of the day. If the pneuma ritual isn’t done perfectly, my plan could fail. But it won’t. Because The Outsiders are wrong. The pneuma ritual starts at 3:00 PM and is repeated after dinner and before bed. The last time should be when the moon is up. The full moon. Or almost full moon. The most important part of the pneuma ritual is believing. Believing it will work. Believing Elio will come back. If I don’t believe it, everything is ruined. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I am terrible. Maybe. But I don’t think so. No. I know I am not. Because I believe. 

Stella advised against this ritual. Well actually, she advised against this whole thing, but she didn't know I was serious. I am more than serious. 

I stand up and face the biggest window in my house. Conveniently placed in my own chamber. Fate. Again. I take a deep breath in and look out onto the horizon. Then, I speak these words. “I am Selene Bonifatius and the moon will bring Elio Boniface back to me.” Finally, I close my eyes and picture the moon and sun colliding. I copied that part from an old Gouri book. 

If I do that twice more and really believe it, along with my other rituals and the Tyche Burning, everything will be just fine. More than fine. It will be back to normal. Because I am not crazy. I am not imbalanced. I am not terrible. The Outsiders are wrong. I will live once more. I will get my pulse back. I will get my breath back. I need Elio back. He gave me my life. He made me believe that maybe I could be something. Maybe I wasn’t terrible and crazy and imbalanced like they always said. Maybe I could be happy after all. But he left. He changed his mind. The only person who ever believed in me fully and loved me truly despite my flaws started to see them and hate them. Hate me. I am terrible. I am crazy. I am imbalanced. The Outsiders are right. This is proof. I am destined to die. My sun is gone and my one chance at life disappeared. At least before I didn’t have any faith in the future. Nothing to lose. But now I do and I did. I am hopeless. The Outsiders were right. There’s nothing left for me. I am terrible. I am crazy. I am imbalanced. Maybe. 

Maybe not. My plan will work. Everything will be okay. Because I know Elio. And Elio will come back to his senses. And I believe. The moon is on my side. I did everything right. I’m doing everything right. The Outsiders are wrong. This is all just a minor setback. Now I just have to wait. 

***

June 3, 7:00 AM - This Love 

One more hour to go. Two possible outcomes. In one hour the world will either end or I’ll live again. 

I couldn’t stay asleep. I haven’t spoken to Stella or anyone else. I’ve been cautious of Outsiders too. It’s just a waiting game now. I breathe in and out. It’s okay Selene. It’s all gonna be okay. The Outsiders are wrong. Elio made a mistake. He freaked out. He was overwhelmed but everything is okay now. It’s okay Selene. 50 minutes left. The Outsiders are wrong. I am not crazy. I am not terrible. I am not imbalanced. I am human. It’s okay Selene. Go back to sleep. 

I can’t sleep. 45 minutes left. Only 5 minutes have passed? Breathe. Love is stronger than everything. If I was terrible, if I was crazy, if I was imbalanced… it doesn’t matter. Love is stronger. This love is stronger. Elio’s not an Outsider. He’s human. I’m human. I love him. It’s okay. Everything is okay. Breathe Selene. The Outsiders are wrong. 30 minutes left. I am not terrible. 20 minutes left. I am not crazy. 10 minutes left. I am not imbalanced. 5 minutes left. 

The moon is faint but I see it. It’s full. It’s grand. The Outsiders are wrong. 3 minutes left. 

7:57 AM - I am not terrible.

7:58 AM - I am not crazy.

7:59 AM - I am not imbalanced.

8:00 AM - Am I?

I feel the air leave my lungs for a second time. 8:01 AM. The Outsiders were right. 8:02 AM. I am terrible. 8:03 AM. I am crazy. 8:04 AM. I am imbalanced. But I believed. But I did everything right. 

8:05 AM - My phone is ringing for the first time in three weeks.