Inner Deserts

I move like an old turtle dragging itself on the sand. Ahmed from the shisha place invites me inside. Oh, beautiful temptations. I’d love to, but the Sultan has to troddle on through the harsh desert to reach the oasis.

Pack of Karelia, blue ones with the nice golden foil and blue filter, Freddo Capuccino, get up on that place in Monastiraki where I can see the Acropolis and the see. Train is packed. We‘re skin to skin. The fragrance of musk from the yuppies going to work, suit and briefcase, fills the elektrikos. Young girls giggling, sweat drops stings my eyes. Its just 15 minutes to the centre, Monastiraki. You can drop dead from the heat. Windows are opened. We pull our heads out of the windows. Nice sweet sea breeze delays our early demise. I fidget with my obsidian worry beads, trying not to think of the scorching sun that rose upon Athens like a warrior.

I get of the train. Take a deep breath of sort of fresh air. I wipe the sweat from my eyes. Giggling girls unbutton their shirts.

I take a look at the Acropolis engilded in sunlight and run to the nearest cafe. I get a comfy seat surrounded by exotic plants. Its still hot. I am thinking about her stuck in her apartment, air condition set to max, electric fan as well.

The iced beer hits cools me down but hits hard later. A cretan tzipouro later I feel the need to move.

I take a walk through the flea market, old men selling antiques. Heat has got their negotiation skills down. They wave me off. ”Twenty euros for the hat and it is yours” I stuff the fisherman cap wit the gold anchor insignia, on my head and walk my way to port.

I would be leaving today. Leaving beyond hot, scorched, oven cooked Athens. If only I can survive the 45 degrees that keeps people either locked down in their homes. Or soaking in the sea till evening comes.

If I go to the beach now I wont make it until evening to see her. And I want to see her. With all my sweaty, sticky being, I want to see her, hug her and kiss her sweaty face and lips, one more time.

I take the subway and I find some coolness in the subway station. Once the train comes back to surface I gasp for air. I dig my fingernails deep in my worry beads. “Sustine and abstine” as the Stoics said. Not a good day for stoicism. The beach is packed. The sea as well. Ambulance wailing throughout the city. Brings back flashes from the past. I take cover under a generous umbrella and lie down on the sunbed, gulping water and chewing on ice. Someone’s grandma died. Heart stabbed by the heat. It’s a time to make love and bathe in the sea for hours. It is time to chill at a cafe with friends, drinking icy beers but not a time to die. Grandma won’t get a proper funeral. It has to happen fast. Or maybe it is time to die. Who knows?

I fall asleep and dream of deserts. Just me and the desert. Trying to find an oasis and the one I love. Sun wakes me up, burning my eyes.

I wake up thinking, it’s a bad way to die. You‘ll rot in this heat faster than they can burry you. Then there’s my mountain and the monastery. Get up and walk along the beach. Swelterinng heat makes it hard for me to think. Should I stay here, should I stay for her and endure the brazen bull in which I’ve been tossed by destiny. Come morning, should I head out through the bearable, fresh air, to the airport. I’d find a shelter there, shelter from the heat, from her, from myself.

Crashing on the beach I dream again of murderous desert, me, alone, in the middle of the desert, here always there, a mirage.

A lifeguard wakes me up. Nobody wants a corpse on the beach. A corpse in black jeans and white shirt.

I turn my sweaty hand to check the time. I make my way to the subway station, trying not to collapse. she must be home. It is never to late, my dear. Never to late to die from heat, or love.

Her neighbourhood is all silent. A few prostitues are almost passed out on Liosion, even drug dealers, gangster are staying inside.

Leaning on the entrance door I pressed the intercom.

After 5 minutes long like 5 years pass, she comes down.

”I am leaving tomorrow. i came to say goodbye”

She is smiling. She gives me a formal hug and a smile.

”I would stay if I could, you know that. I have to go. I’ll miss you.”

“I already do. You could stay if you wanted to.”

“I am not sure. i am not sure of anything. Damn it, it’s crazy hot today”

“It’s nice and cool upstairs in my apartment.”

”It is better to face the heat now than ever. I might get used to you and I would never go.”

She tries to mask and fights back against the tears coming out and her red eyes.

She is crying. Why am I not crying? I thought I would be crying. I cried so many times in my scenarios, in my imagined farewell scenario.

”Don’t forget me. call me sometimes or write or whatever. Listen to that song, you know which one, on the airplane. You will cry too. We all cry.”

Sweat gets in my eyes and she is not so sure If those are tears or not. Neither am I.

“I will. I promise. Stay hydrated. Its like a desert out there.”

It doesn‘t need to be hot, because when I am with her, my heart is racing and my palms are sweaty.

I go back in my inner desert, doomed to die not of sweltering heat but alone and scorched by her absence.