Understanding

A bright, white light fills my vision. I wince, gritting my teeth as the shine fades and I focus on what’s happening. But as my vision clears, all I still see is white — a thick, white blanket of snow, stretching in every possible direction. 

I don’t understand. What happened? I don’t even remember how I got here… I had a couple beers but definitely not enough to end up alone in a big, open field. I look up to find a pale night sky with a few glittering stars above me. Yeah. Something crazy must’ve happened.

I clamor up to my feet, stretching out my arms to balance. I might be hungover and there’s too much stupid snow everywhere. I don’t wanna fall. But as I start walking forward into the snowy wasteland, I don’t feel unsteady. I still look down at my feet, just to be sure. I freeze.

I’m walking. I know I am, I can see it. Left foot, followed by the right. But no matter how many steps I take, how far I walk, or even how hard I try to ram my feet into the snow, nothing changes. The fresh snow beneath me looks untouched. 

I’m not leaving any footprints behind.

Okay, now I really don’t understand. I must’ve been really drunk or high or something. This can’t be happening. But my head feels clear and I don’t feel like I’m gonna puke. No, no, no… What’s happening? Why the hell can’t I remember anything?

I plop down into the snow to sit. But my body doesn’t sink in. I don’t even feel the wet or the cold of it. It’s like the snow isn’t really there, like it’s not real. I rub my temples and try to remember. 

Oh. It was Padma’s birthday. We rented a cabin nearby to go skiing. I hop to my feet and hurry in a random direction. I think the cabins were this way. I need to find the others. If I can talk to them, they’ll know what’s happening. I think. I don’t know. I just can’t be alone out here right now.

  “Can you just pretend you wanna be here?” I remember Padma saying to me earlier. “Come on, Pia. Don’t be like this.”

I was sitting on the fluffy red couch across from the cabin door, where Padma was standing. I felt like I was putting distance between us, making some kind of statement. Thinking about it now, I probably looked more like a child than a 23 year old adult. 

“I’m not into the snow,” I grumbled. “Just go on without me. I’ll catch up later.”

“Pia, sometimes I wonder why you even come out with us,” said Ana. She was Padma’s favorite friend. And for me… she was my least favorite acquaintance, to put it kindly. 

“Because Padma is my sister,” I answered shortly. 

“How touching.”

“Please, can we go now?” Padma whined, looking between me and Ana. “Pia, you spent the money to come here. You might as well join us.”

I groaned, nearly stomping my feet as I followed Padma and Ana out into the snow. The wind was biting, nipping at the exposed skin on my face. I shuddered, my teeth clattering in an incessant rhythm that gave me a headache. I strapped on my skis and fell as soon as I tried to balance myself. Ana laughed so loud, her voice echoed across the cliffside. I wanted to kill her. But Padma helped me up and dragged me along.

I didn’t understand how that could be fun for anyone.  

As I hurry off, I think of how cold I was just a few hours ago. It’s night now, and I see the strong winds blowing plumes of snow past me. They gust into my face but I don’t feel the cool dampness. The wind rages all around but I don’t feel it on my skin. I can’t. I can see the snow. I can hear the wind. But I can’t touch or smell or taste it. Am I hallucinating? 

On the distant horizon, I see the dark outline of houses. I can’t be that far from the cabins. I try to run for it, but soon find myself rolling down a dip into a ravine I didn’t see. I hit the snow at the bottom on the canyon but still, I don’t even sink in. My eyes screw shut and I grit my teeth, waiting for the immense pain to wash over me. I fell at least 25 feet straight down. But… The pain doesn’t come. Now I really don’t understand.

I jump back to my feet, completely unphased, and hurry onward. A massive hill towers over me. I start to hike up it with ease. I knew I was in shape but this seems… very easy. But the elevation here is incredibly uneven, and it’s dangerous. As I think this, I remember. 

“Don’t be such a baby,” I groaned. “We used to go sledding all the time as kids.”

“Not on mountainsides!” Padma squealed. “It’s dangerous!”

“And not to mention, we’re not supposed to be on the hills at night,” Ana added in her usual snooty, annoying tone.  

I snorted. I sipped my wine, the tart flavor filling my mouth and the familiar burn tickling my throat. I think I was on my second glass at that point. Or… Was it my third? 

I put down the glass of wine and sauntered over to my younger sister. My thick snow boots clattered against the hardwood as I walked, echoing through the dense silence between us. I wondered if I was pushing her too far. No, I didn’t wanna come this weekend. No, I wanted to be home in the city, spending my Saturday drinking wine in a lounge, not in a cabin in the middle of nowhere. No, I was not having fun. But I knew that telling Padma to go sledding out in the mountains with me would stress her out. At least she could feel some of what I was feeling.

“You’re 21 now,” I said with a little scoff. Padma frowned. “The least you can do is act like an adult, not like a baby.”

“Stop it,” Ana growled. “You’re ruining this weekend. This isn’t about you!”

“No,” Padma interrupted. She didn’t look at me or Ana, just at her fluffy boots and the floor. “Pia’s right. Besides, this is my big birthday bash. Would… would it really be a party if we didn’t do something crazy?”

Padma smiled shakily. I remember being in shock. I didn’t think she would actually agree to go out there, after midnight, when we had been drinking. I couldn’t even think straight. I just wanted to rile her up a little. I peered over her shoulder through the single cabin window. A layer of frost coated the glass and through that hazy layer, I could see thick white snowflakes falling. The wind howled outside, practically shaking the tiny wood cabin as it roared. I didn’t understand why Padma would even wanna do this.

“Let’s go!” she exclaimed. 

She slipped on her jacket and threw open the front door, a barrage of snow rushing inside. I yelled for her to stop and that I didn’t mean it. But Padma, pushed by me and too much merlot, was already outside. Ana shot me a glare and hissed.

“You better hope she doesn’t get hurt.”

Still rushing through the cold winter air toward the cabins, I scowl. How could Ana think I wanted something bad to happen to Padma? I was tipsy. I was messing around. I didn’t want anything to happen. I stop running. I look down at my feet, still resting atop the snow and never sinking in. But what if something bad did happen? What if everything went wrong, and my brain  can’t process it right now? What if…

What if something happened to Padma?

I dash forward, the dark outlines of the cabins bigger now, but still too far away. I smack my temples hard, but the pain doesn’t hit me. Come on Pia… You need to remember what happened next. I keep running and the silhouettes in the distance blur. For a second, I think it’s snowing. Then I realize that I’m crying. 

I… I don’t remember the last time I cried.

I know we went outside after Padma left. A blizzard was brewing, the wind whipping into us and thick snowfall making it hard to see. Ana and I called after Padma but she was too fast. She was already at the car, pulling the sled out of the trunk. It plopped out, snow kicking up into the stormy air, and Padma began pulling it by the string. I remember being cold, trying to push myself deeper into my thick jacket somehow. It didn’t help. I think… Ana ran ahead and tried to stop Padma. But she was too stubborn now, not listening to either of us and bounding toward the ravine. Dammit, why can’t I remember her voice anymore? Why is everything so hazy?

I look down at my feet. Still no footprints. Have I lost it? Have I lost Padma? I clutch my stomach as I run, wondering if I’ll puke. My eyes can’t focus anymore and I can’t think straight. What happened? What did I do? How do I fix it? Why why why…

“Pia!” 

I stop. That’s Padma’s voice. Am I remembering it? I don’t understand. Why now? 

“Pia, no!”

I hear it again. Her voice echoes through the air and I know it’s not a memory. Padma’s calling for me. 

I reach the cabins, following the direction of Padma’s voice. I ran for so long, yet I’m not out of breath. It must be the adrenaline. I hurry toward our cabin, the last one in the second row. As I get closer, I tense up. I see Padma, draped over the hood of Ana’s car staring blankly at her hands. Next to her on the snow-covered ground is the sled, just sitting there. 

“Oh thank god!” I laugh, running up to her. “You have no idea how worried I was! I woke up in the damn ravine, Padma. Did you leave me there? How could you even come out in a blizzard? Do you have any idea how irresponsible that was?”

Padma doesn’t reply. I know she’s out of it and probably hungover, but it isn’t like her to ignore me. Wait… Is she mad at me?

“Padma, come on,” I moan. “The silent treatment? Okay, I shouldn’t have made you so upset. Sorry. But you were reckless, and I’m not apologizing for that.”

Silence. 

“Don’t ignore me. That’s disrespectful. Hey, are you even listening?!”

Nothing. 

I don’t understand why I’m getting this treatment. It must’ve been stupid Ana, telling my stupid sister not to talk to me anymore. I growl and look around for Ana. The cabin door is open and I see her inside, sitting with a man in a dark uniform. What? Who’s that? I ask Padma but she doesn’t respond. I try to step closer to the cabin but I can’t will my legs to move.

 Then it hits me like an avalanche. The memories.

“Padma, stop,” I yelled. “If something happens to you, mom will kill me!”

“God, all you think about is yourself,” Ana hissed at me. It’s blurry but… I recall us getting closer to the ravine. “You always make everything about you! You made every effort to make today suck for us, and now, it’s your fault we’re out here.”

“My fault? I didn’t tell the birthday girl to go out here!”

“Yes, you did! You’re so oblivious to how horrible you really are!”

“Um, guys,” Padma called out from in front of us. “I don’t know if this is a good idea anymore.”

She stood at the top of the cliff, looking down the steep drop at the rocks and snow beneath her. Man, I was tired of snow. I was tired of chasing after Padma. And I was really sick and tired of this damn trip. I stormed toward Padma, fists clenched at my sides. It was hard to see her through the thick snowfall and it was hard to see the cliffside or the ravine. Ana reached out to grab me but I shook her off. I was so over everything at that point. Now Padma was too scared? 

“You don’t think this is a good idea?” I snarled at my little sister. “Really? Aren’t you a genius.”

“Pia, please, I… I-I’m sorry!” 

“You could’ve gotten us killed!” 

“I didn’t mean to! And you’re the one who wanted to come out here!”

“Ladies, can we please head back?” Ana interrupted. Through the blizzard, I just made out her face. She looked nervous. I remember thinking that she had never made that face before, and I didn’t understand why.

“Don’t blame me for your choices,” I snapped back. “And don’t talk to me like that.”

“But you always talk to me like that! Please, for once, just stop!”

“No, Padma! You forced me to come out here to this damned mountain, and now you’ve forced me out of the warm cabin. What’s next?”

“Please, just stop!”

“Pia, I think you should come here,” Ana said hastily, reaching for me. She tried to grab me but slipped and fell into the thick snow. I turned back to my sister. Through the wind and the snow, I could see her dark eyes. They were wide, wild almost. I knew then that I had pushed her too far. I knew I had to stop. And yet… I didn’t. I never did.

“Everyone keeps telling me I’m selfish, but I don’t think so. I think you’re the selfish one, Padma! It’s you! It’s always you!”

“I said stop!”

I felt her hands on my shoulders. For a split second, I thought she was grabbing me. But then, I was weightless and all I saw was the gray sky overhead, the wind thrashing the snow across the air. Was I… falling? I wasn’t sure then. All I knew were Padma’s hands, then the sky, and then… white.

I blink. I turn back to Padma, still staring at her hands with eyes that were still wide, still wild. I wanna ask her, but then I understand that she won’t answer me. She can’t. 

“...and then she fell down the cliff,” I hear Ana tell the uniformed man inside the cabin. Ana’s voice is quivering. To him, she probably sounds sad. But not to me. No, she sounds scared. “It was an accident.”

An accident… I reach out to Padma, my fingertips grazing her arm. But she doesn’t respond. I understand that she doesn’t feel it, and that I can’t either. I look back toward the ravine, watching as the wind whips the snow in front of me into the air. I wanna rip off my jacket, not bundle into it, so I feel the wind on my skin. I wanna feel it through my hair. I understand that I can’t though, not anymore. Why… Why could I never stop?

A loud wail leaves Padma, a shudder rippling through her body as she shakes and falls into the snow sobbing. Ana runs out to her as the man stares, a sad look on his face. I can’t watch this. I turn away from them, walking back to the ravine. Where else could I go? As I walk, I watch my footsteps on the ground. Left foot, followed by the right. They don’t leave footprints behind me. They leave nothing behind me. 

And finally, I understand.