Some Party

Some Party

By Peter Wallace

        “You don’t expect to see that…”

        “What’s that, Honey?”

        “A pair of women’s underpants stuffed into a beer cup.”

        “It makes you wonder…”

        “Yeah. It really does. That was some party!”

        Luisa picked up a pill of unknown origin from the floor, holding it between her thumb and forefinger to analyze the specimen. 

        “I wonder what kind of pill this is?”

        “Well, you could take it and find out…”

        “Sure. Great idea, Dave.”

        “You, my friend, are welcome! Did you see my mom last night? She was on a roll. She should know by now that she shouldn’t drink champagne. Especially if she’s going to dance. I hope that man will be okay!”

        “I think he was just stunned. Her dramatic interpretation of ‘Baby Got Back’ was a bit much. When she shook it, she made contact with his hip, and I’m pretty sure he went airborne for a second.”

        “That’s my mom!”

        “Don’t get me wrong. I like your mom, but, well, you know.”

        “I sure do. Maybe the colossal headache she likely has this morning will remind her to be more under control next time.”

        “Next time? Are you planning to do this again?”

        “No, dear. Once is plenty.”

        “I agree.” As she walked to pick up another cup her shoe stuck on the floor and came off of her foot. “I found out where that little kid spilled the can of Pepsi.” She struggled to get her shoe back on, and pulled free of the sticky spot on the floor.

        “Would you hand me that garbage bag? I have half-a-dozen partially eaten pieces of cake over here.”

        “I thought the cake was delicious. Your idea to serve devil’s food was definitely an inspiration.”

        “It was certainly befitting of the situation.”

        “Unlike the party favors…”

        “Aw. I thought they were cute! You know, how the reason for the party sucked?”

        “Luisa, I don’t know what’s cute about grown men and women with pacifiers in their mouths doing the Electric Slide. Although, that one woman did have a way about her… I didn’t know a person could balance a pacifier on the tip of their tongue.”

        “Yes, she was clearly talented, and got all A’s in whore school.”

        “Now, now. No need to be catty.”

        “Speaking of catty, guess who I saw sneaking out of the custodian’s room at around midnight?”

        “The custodian?”

        “Very funny. It was Jennifer’s mom and Todd’s dad. They looked pretty disheveled.”

        “I’ll be darned. I saw each of them when they came in, and they looked perfectly heveled then. What must they have been doing in that closet, and where, pray tell, were their spouses?”

        “So you’re catty too! Welcome to the club, or pride, or whatever cats have. Oh, and ‘hevel’ is a word now?”

        “Maybe. Hey, you know what really surprised me?”

        “No. What?”

        “The gifts. I mean, they were nice to think of us, but, I don’t know; I guess I just didn’t think people would do that. You know?”

        “I guess I was a little surprised too.” Luisa walked up to Dave and put her hand on his shoulder. “I wonder if some of the people might have been a little confused.”

        “Nobody wants to be the only one who doesn’t bring a gift, right?”

        “That’s true. Remember that time when we went to Audrey and Matt’s little girl’s first birthday party? The invitation said ‘No Gifts’ in big type – Comic MS font, I think – and so we didn’t bring one. Boy did I feel cheap when everybody else walked in with big ‘ol presents all wrapped up so beautifully.”

        “I almost felt bad drinking their beer. Almost.”

        Luisa chuckled. “That was a good party. But, not as good as ours last night. I mean, the police weren’t even called on Matt and Audrey’s party.”

        “Hey, the police wouldn’t have even come if your dad hadn’t punched my dad in the nose.”

        “Probably not, but he was asking for it. Your dad called me a ‘Hussy.’  What does that even mean? Anyway, my dad wanted to defend my honor, which I thought was nice.”

        “I guess my dad was asking for it. Usually guys in their 60s raise their voices a bit and then back down. It was surprising that your dad actually took a swing at Dad.”

        “The wonders of alcohol, my dear. Hey, could you pull down those streamers over there? The black ones? Thanks.”

        “You know, we really do work well together. Doing things with you… well, it’s like it’s not really work.”

        “Oh David. You say the nicest things.”

        “I’m not just saying that. I really mean it.” He stood on his tip toes on a folding chair, trying to reach one stubborn streamer. “Remember that time we worked together getting that groundhog out from under the porch?”

        “That was fun. In retrospect. I didn’t enjoy it at the time. Although, I was very impressed by your pit bull impression. You scared that little guy right out from under the porch and across the road!”

        “I guess I was pretty convincing.”

        “I’ll say. For a second there I was going to run too!”

        Dave surveyed the area and noted a couple of half- full glasses next to a couple of half- empty glasses and, interestingly, a pair of eye glasses someone left behind.

        “It looks like there are a few glasses to take over to the kitchen and a few scraps of paper on the floor. Oh, look: it’s one of our programs. I’m surprised there was one left behind. After all, it must be a collector’s item, don’t you think?”

        “I guess. I think the Edgar Allen Poetry was a bit much, but it did resonate with the theme of the party.”

        “True. Okay, now the big job: we have to fold the chairs and put them over there against the wall, and then fold and move the tables. These are the things a hotel staff would have taken care of if we had booked a hotel ball room.”

        “I think we’re better off folding the furniture than paying the five thousand dollars they wanted.”

        Luisa and David set to work folding the chairs and carrying them over to the wall. Then came the tables. Band-Aid colored metal folding chairs. The kind that give you all the comfort of sitting on a piece of steel.

        After the folding was completed, David went to the kitchen and grabbed a couple cans of Pepsi from the fridge.

        “Here you go, ma’am.”

        “Why, thank you sir!”

        They sat on the one remaining table, dangling their legs and enjoying their cool drinks.

        “You know, David, last night may have been the very best divorce party of all time.”

        “Do you really think so? It wasn’t a downer to have it in the town hall?”

        “No, I think that added to it. Ecru colored linoleum tile, a false ceiling with florescent lighting… the ambiance was nothing, if not charming.”

        “I couldn’t help but think about when we went to get our marriage license five years ago. The clerk seemed very confused when we said we wanted our marriage to have an expiration date. He just kept saying, ‘What?’”

        “He wasn’t the only one. Our parents thought we were kidding. So did the people at your work. They didn’t understand why two people would get married, but only for five years.”

        “I remember you saying to people that a fair number of marriages don’t even last for five years, but that if couples want to avoid the ‘seven year itch,’ why not end the marriage after five? After all, you said, if you can’t be married without having an affair for five years, you’re not even trying.”

        “Right. And then your friend Logan had a fling at his own wedding. He didn’t even make it six hours without cheating. With that in mind, I think five years was pretty good!”

        “How many pastors did we have to ask before we found one who was willing to do the ceremony? Ten… or was it twelve?”

        “Counting the people who just hung up, I’d say twelve.”

        Luisa scooted a little closer to David, and gave him one of those smiles that caused him to fall in love with her. “David, it has been really good to be married to you. I don’t know what the future will bring, but the past five years have been wonderful.”

        “I feel the same way. Maybe we got along so well because we knew we had a limited time to be together. Maybe that made us try harder to be good to each other.”

        “That could be, I guess. I always felt that being kind and helpful were things that came naturally to you. That’s why I was attracted to you in the first place.”

        “You mean, it wasn’t my rock-hard abs and rapier wit?”

        Luisa shook her head slowly from side to side.”

        “Okay, maybe the second part. Your rapier wit. Or, as we here in America call it, your sense of humor. I think humor has been a great part of our time together. I’d have a hard time being with someone who didn’t laugh at the right places.”

        “Agreed.”

        As if programmed by Disney animatronic engineers, they both sighed great sighs simultaneously, then looked at each other and laughed.

        “That was classic. Tell me what your sigh was about, and then I’ll tell you why I sighed.”

        “Hmmm. I guess, umm, sort of, I’m wondering if we’re doing the right thing. Are we, David?”

        “I’m sure we’re doing the right thing. We thought this thing through when I proposed five years ago, and we agreed that we didn’t want our marriage to be like so many other people’s. We agreed to be married for five years, and we were, and it was great. We had a party when we were married, and an even better one last night to celebrate our divorce.”

        “Yeah, David, I know all of that, but still, we invested a lot of time in each other. You made me a better person, and I’d like to think that I’ve helped you too.”

        “You have.  There’s no question. That’s why, when we find someone to get married to again, we’ll be even better partners. Don’t you think?”

        She didn’t answer. She looked at the tile on the floor; her chin resting on her chest. Her mind was flooded with thoughts of the passion they had shared, and the fun, and the occasional struggles. She knew it would end someday. She didn’t know it would be so soon, or so hard.

        “You know, David, when you talked about us being better to each other because we knew we had a limited time together?”

        “Yes.”

        “Don’t you think, in a larger view, that all couples have a limited amount of time together? Our five years was something we could get our heads around, but nothing is forever. For each of us, forever is our own life. In that sense, being married forever might only be five years, or ten, or maybe fifty. Maybe even 70 years. Is it right for our marriage to have had a forever of only those five wonderful years?”

        The community room was quiet, except for the sounds of the florescent lights above, one of which was flickering like a strobe light.

        “Luisa, I do understand what you’re saying. And, even though you expressed it beautifully, I’ve been asking myself the same question. Were we right to get divorced?”

        David reached into his back pocket and pulled out a small, wrinkled envelope and handed it to Luisa.

        “Here’s a card you didn’t see at the party last night.”

        She opened it and read aloud: “Dear Louisa. Now that we’re free to find someone to marry, without any feelings of guilt or remorse, would you please marry me?  -Love, David”

        She broke into tears and nodded repeatedly with her answer. David cried too, and the held each other closer than ever.

        “When did you decide you wanted to stay married to me?”

        “A long time ago. I just had to know you felt the same way.”

        “So…” Luisa looked down again. “…another five years?”

        “If you’ll have me, let’s make it forever.”