Never Too Late

I tried to remain hopeful as the bubbly sorority girl bounced my way, but I had a horrible feeling of foreboding deep in my stomach.

“Hello, Professor,” she said cheerfully. “I know you’ll probably cover this later, but I was wondering if we’d be receiving our syllabus today.”

I knew it. I wanted to crawl into a hole by this point. Instead, I forced a sheepish smile.

“Actually, I’m a student too,” I explained to her.

“Oh,” she said, turning deep red. “Well, I guess you don’t know either then.”

She couldn’t get away from me fast enough. I let out a deep sigh. This was the fourth student to assume I was the professor. I knew I shouldn’t blame them. After all, I was the oldest person in the room. If I was a young student, I’d probably think I was the professor too. Still, I couldn’t help feeling hurt that nobody assumed I could be a student there.

I knew going back to college wouldn’t be easy, especially in my fifties, but I thought it would be the coursework that was hard. I never thought about the social struggles I’d have to go through. I took a deep breath to calm myself. It was the first day. Eventually, they’d get used to me and it wouldn’t be a problem anymore.

The professor walked in at that moment. Seeing her only made me feel worse. She certainly wasn’t young like a college student, but she was definitely younger than me. I wouldn’t put her past her thirties. Great, so even the professor was younger than me. And here I was, two decades her senior, trying to learn something she already had a degree in.

I pushed those negative thoughts to the back of my mind. No, I couldn’t let this happen again. I couldn’t let other people’s opinions decide what I was going to do with my life. Not anymore. I noticed her take a brief pause as she saw me, but she quickly moved past me to introduce herself.

“Hello, everyone,” she started. “My name is Professor Anita Lawrence. You can all call me Anita. Welcome to your first day in Introductory Biology. Now, since this is the first day, we’ll just spend it going through our syllabus and discussing some of the basics you should brush up on before our next class. I will start the syllabus at the front of the room, please pass them around and make sure everyone gets one.”

When the syllabus was passed out she started discussing it. I’m sure to a lot of the kids here the first couple weeks probably seemed like a refresher course, but it was all new to me. I barely remembered high school biology. Even if I did, I doubted we would have discussed half the things these kids discussed nowadays. Science was always changing, always growing. That was what I liked about it. There was always an opportunity to try something new.

I listened intently as she began to discuss some of the “basics” we needed to know. Even though it was the first day I still took a lot of notes. I knew I was probably a lot further behind than most of the students in the class. I’d have to study twice as hard if I had a hope of catching up.

“Alright, everyone. That’s class for today,” she said, closing her laptop. “Make sure to read pages three through twelve for next class. I’ll see you on Wednesday.”

The students started to file out of the classroom. I stayed back nervously. I wanted to ask her about some of the things she discussed today, but I didn’t want to sound stupid. After all, these were supposed to be the basics. 

I shook off that thought. She was a professor. It was her job to educate students, even the slow ones. I was sure she wouldn’t mind. Besides, I couldn’t be the first person to have these questions. Could I? As she packed up her papers I walked over.

“Umm, Anita?” I asked nervously. 

“Yes, umm…” She paused. “Oh, I’m sorry. First day of classes. I’m still learning names. Can you tell me yours again?”

“Paula,” I reminded her.

“Right, Paula! How can I help you?” She asked.

“I was just wondering about a couple of the things you mentioned today,” I said, looking at the floor. “Is it alright if I ask about them?” 

“Oh, I have another class I have to rush to soon,” she said, glancing at her watch. “Do you have many?”

“Oh… Umm… Nevermind,” I said, waving it off. “I’m sure it’s in the book somewhere.”

I turned and rushed out. I started beating myself up as soon as I left. How stupid. I should have just asked her. If she was in a rush I could have just asked her a couple and e-mailed the rest. Or I could just go to her office hours later in the week. Why did I keep doing this? Why was everything freaking me out?

Because women aren’t cut out for that kind of work. My father’s voice buzzed around in my head like an annoying mosquito. He never approved of me studying medicine. Math, science, medicine. Those were men’s work. Women weren’t cut out for them.

Of course, I didn't agree, but I didn’t have a choice then. He was paying for my classes so I had to do something he felt “was suitable for women’s work.” That’s how I got stuck with a degree in Education. Well, I had a choice in what I did now. Thanks to Gary.

My heart hurt a little thinking about him. Thirty years of marriage. How could such a long time feel so short? I still feel like we didn’t have enough time together. The house felt so empty without him. That was the other reason I wanted to get out and do something. He wasn’t anything like my father. He always said I should go back to school and do what I wanted, but our finances never allowed for it. 

He had good insurance though. I would have rather had my Gary back than all the money in the world, but a slim silver lining came out of getting the money. What better way to honor his memory than using it to do what he always wanted me to? I was doing it for both of us. I was going to make him proud.

My age wasn’t going to hold me back, my experience wasn’t going to hold me back, and no one’s opinions were going to hold me back. I was going to pass my classes and get my degree. I was going to be a doctor someday. I was going to do all those things I never had the chance to do when I was younger. I was going to show all of them exactly what I could do.