October Colors

   The month that will be etched into my mind for the rest of my life. October of the year 2020. I was 21 years old, working as a bank teller in my small hometown. My relationship with my fiance Jay, now husband, was great. I was saving up for a car, after having friends and family provide me with transportation to work for almost a year. It was definitely time to start flourishing a little more.

   There was only one thing that I was nervous and scared about: I was a month pregnant. Jay and I did not plan it but it happened. I remember when I was younger and always thinking that I was not cut out to be a mom. Kids were cute and fun, I loved interacting with them. “I just don’t see myself ever having kids” I would say. Now here I was, expecting a child during the pandemic.

  Jay and my family were extremely supportive. I remember being so exhausted even though I was not far along at all! It was incredible how much I felt my body changing even though I could not really see any change. I could also feel my hormones getting funny with me. I don’t know if it was my already emotional self or the pregnancy but I would tear up at the slightest things. 

  For a few weeks I did not know how to feel. I was not afraid financially because Jay was always reassuring me that we were good, he was here for us. I was afraid mentally. I knew that having a child would change so many things about me and about my relationship and I feared not being able to be enough for my baby. I struggled with anxiety and sudden waves of sadness, too. I felt that I would not have control of my emotions well enough to be a functioning mother, or that I would get postpartum depression. I knew it was something a lot of mothers go through, my already turbulent emotions would probably make it hard on me.

  I remember beginning to feel excited. My fiance and I were going to have a human being that was made from us. A mini us, my heart was full. It was early October, I woke up at 7 in the morning because I felt I really had to use the restroom. I had been having some abdominal cramps the night before but I knew that some symptoms were normal during pregnancy. I thought that was one of them.

  I sat down and saw a lot of blood, I felt paralyzed. I had never been someone to get queasy at the sight of blood, but I felt fear for the life growing inside of me. I immediately let my finance know and he made his way to my house. I felt so many emotions rush my body as we made our way to the emergency room.

  I was supposed to go to work later on in the morning but I alerted my manager of the situation and she was very understanding. We arrived and the nurse followed Covid procedures in asking us all the questions before we could go inside. Finally we entered the hospital and I spoke to the receptionist. It was difficult to try to explain why I was there because I didn’t want to think of the worst case scenario.

  Shortly after I spoke to her, a nurse came out with a wheelchair and she helped me sit down and pushed me as my fiance followed us. We waited in the room as another nurse came to see how I was doing and to tried to understand the situation better. Then another nurse came in and pushed me in the wheelchair to a different room while Jay stayed behind. 

   She took me to a room where I would receive a trans-vaginal which is a little camera that would help her see what’s going on in my uterus. I did as she asked and felt very safe with her. She was asking how I was doing and how I was feeling, I could feel her genuine concern towards me. When she was finished she gently pushed me back to the first room where Jay was waiting.

   He and I waited for what seemed like hours. We tried watching funny videos to pass time, but I could feel the suspense in the room. The air felt heavy. The doctor finally came back and he asked me a few questions then he proceeded to talk. “The trans-vaginal did not show anything in your uterus, when you bled this morning it is because you had a miscarriage. Some are extremely painful, some are not as much. I’m so sorry.”

   I was at a loss for words. My heart sank, I couldn’t even cry from the shock. I never thought I would be experiencing this loss in my life. Jay held my hand tight and did not let go. The doctor told me I had to stay home and rest and then after he was done with his doctorly procedures he gave us time to be alone with the news. I silently cried. My tears ran down my face, my heart felt empty.

   When we left, we grabbed some food because it had been four hours since we had arrived at the hospital. We talked about our future and he sat with me as I struggled to find the words to express myself. The emotional toll the loss of our baby had on me was immense. I couldn’t see babies at the bank because I instantly wanted to cry. It was a hard few weeks but I had a lot of support from my loved ones.

  At the same time, I was stressing out about getting a car. Every night I would stress out about how I was getting to work the next day. I felt terrible asking my co-workers, friends and family members. I almost had enough saved up for a good down payment, thankfully. My fiance was more than delighted to take me to a dealership. 

   The day before Halloween, Jay and I went to a dealership to search for a car. With the guidance of his parents, I found one I loved. After the process was done, I drove it home. After a year or so of struggling to get to work every day, I finally had my own car. I could not thank my fiance enough. I remember thinking how crazy that month had been. Not only for me, but also for my fiance who was with me the whole time. 

   When I think back on October of 2020, I am filled with sorrow and optimism. Sorrow, because of the loss we suffered that we will never forget. Optimism, because of how we were able to move forward and keep going. So much changed in one month, I almost cannot believe it. Life is full of emotions and events that often leave us wondering “what is the reason for this?” Some events we forget, some we can’t forget even if we tried.