Broken Brakes

Miles are lost between the churning wheels, leaving a gritty trail of dust in their wake. Ashley’s hands clutched firmly on the leather wrapped wheel, it's cool surface against her skin, it's even cold, but as her hands curl around, and her fingertips tap the back, dancing on its circumference, she’s sure the wheel will yield to her warmth. The odometer ticks away, seems to mark some progress in increments, and the tapping rhythm syncs with the tire rubbers that hum softly against the road. Ashely, driving forward, she’s restless, restless to find her way home and she’s sure someone’s being tortured. 

While the steep incline of the road begins to mirror the ascent of, her heart's steady beat, she checks the rear-view mirror, half expecting to see something, anything. But only the empty expanse of the road that extends behind her, tires don’t seem to be leaving dust, or hum, anymore. She below the waist, marks obscurity, a shroud smothers it all. Only the surreal outside world, the world beyond the car’s windows, seems eerily clear.  Though she can’t see anyone, Ashley knows someone’s presence is pressing down on her.  

 Ashley is driving forward, someone’s coming but their footsteps can't be heard. 

But with time, a child wobbles their way into her life, the child participates, as a whimsical companion. They traverse the park; the child’s presence transforms the surroundings. Tall trees along the periphery, their branches reaching skyward like outstretched arms, rustling of leaves create a delicate song, that are added in depth by the occasional chirp of crickets hidden away from view. 

The Child. Standing on the winding path, its gravel surface worn smooth by the passage of countless footsteps, on either side the patches of viridescent grass, stretch out like lush carpets, whether she looked left or right, the child is there, on the right lies a playground frozen in time, its weathered structures, The child on the swing, swaying lazily in the breeze, the chains creak quietly, longing for the touch of eager hands, Ashley's hands. On the left a merry-go-round sits stationary and silent, brightly painted horses in mid-gallop. I see her on them, almost frozen as well, but as my gaze falls on her, she seeks solace beneath the shade of ancient oaks, on the benches. Wooden planks worn smooth cradle them all, as she chats away with companions, giggles mingling with nature. Their youth. Youthful eyes that won’t remember this park, and a youthful mind that will forget this moment, but how others would convince them that this memory did happen, how I will.  I want to stop and follow this child, but for some reason the child, the little girl, sunflower on her left hand, its golden petals kissed by the warm cares of sunlight, can’t hear me, at least the me now. Everything seems too fragile to stay, but it really is the innocence of the child itself, that makes everything else to be framed into the background and how her right-hand points with a childlike fervor towards somewhere far off and the way her small blue marble eyes looking up, hopefully, hopefully at Me. It all makes me push the pedal. Drive, Ashley tells herself; she wants to know, to know where the little girl is pointing, she wants to know more about her, to know how she grows up, how it ends.   

Sitting by the table, candles lit, flames flickering, making it all so bright. Her fingertips delicately tracing, sneaking through the icing, her marble blue eyes glancing at me.  Me. Pretending, pretending not to see. Her blue eyes glow, delight from the sugary sweetness. How mischievous. All eyes on the birthday girl, waiting, waiting for her to blow out the candles, my eyes, hazel brown, match her glow, match her warmth. But the steering wheel is grasped with an icicle touch. The flames fade to smoke, laughter, chatter, twinkling like chimes, gives the pride that I’ve thought about for the days coming to this. She’s wishing for something, I'm sure, new toys, presents. I could never know; I don't I remember what I wished for when I was her age.  I don't think that wish was that important either. She’s smiling, smiling at me, but I see a frown, as she gets a little older, as everything gets a little clearer, time will mold her, she’ll see the sorrow and pain that shapes, if she survives. They will help find what she wants. Maybe then she might have wanted to wish for something else. The car seems to move by itself, or at least my hands are tied to the wheel. And seems like the next frame shows exactly what I wanted to see; what I knew I’d see. Drive forward, but look in the rear-view mirror, make sure to look back, but don’t, don’t ever hit the brakes. 

With a flicker of Ashley's imagination, she pictured the young girl from the park, now a young woman, donning a black graduation grown, a symbol of her academic achievement and countless hours of dedication poured into her studies. Ashley can imagine, that adorned look on her face, a reflection of triumph that bubbled within her heart. She posed for the obligatory graduation photo, surrounded by friends and family, there was palpable sense of pride, accomplishment that might have always been permeated with the air that surrounds her. Black gown draped elegantly over her shoulders. She stood tall and resolute. With each step across the stage, I know she will feel those nerves, she will swell in emotion, and it will rise within her- blended with nostalgia for the journey that she made to get here.  She remembers all the tragedies and the sweet memories; I would be in those memories. The diploma gripped firmly in her palms; she would show her unwavering belief to shape the course of her life. I would get to watch. And as she looked out into the faces that gazed back, she would find my weaker body, whitish black hair, and worn-out eyes, mesmerized by her.  She would know this was just the beginning. Ashley is driving forward, but everything around her seems to be in estrangement  

There against the crumbling brick wall, I see it from a distance, this time instead of being by her side, the child a little bit older, no longer of cherub innocence but a fragile soul, stands far ahead of me.  A child paralyzed in fear, a solitary figure bathed in the harsh lighting of the dim streetlights. Before I could ever comprehend the gravity of this occurrence, a menacing presence, a man drawn from the darkness itself, draws himself closer, his movements, deliberate and predatory. The air is thick with a stench of fear, mingling with the acrid scent of decay that seems to be in every alleyway. 

Time seems to slow to a crawl, Ashley for each agonizing second, forced to watch, that man, he moves with a chilling swiftness, I watch in horror as he brandishes a gleaming knife, the metallic gleam reflecting the fear etched upon the child's face. 

I need to save her from the looming threat, I can feel a surge of panic clawing at my chest. But my car, the only lifeline at this moment, refuses to obey my frantic commands, its engines roaring in protest, slowing ever so down, almost mockingly. 

The child's subtle movements become stir awake. She’s shuffling, shuffling her legs, moving on the spot. The man’s malevolent presence, no humanity present,  besides his grin, a sinister snare. Looking, looking for something else, eyes stretched far open, unable to free herself from his baleful stare. Here he is ready to take. 

 The child screams pierce the night air, against the wall, every cry for help is met with silence, she screams for the man to stop, and for Ashley to come. I scream in return, for her to run, for me to come, for the nightmare to end. But my voice is lost in the void, swallowed by the deafening roar of my heartbeat. She can't die, not yet ever, but I need to get out of this car, if it's the last thing I do.  

In the wake of devil’s grimace, Before Ashley’s car ever breaches the distance, the man dissolves into the murky shadows, leaving behind just the stillness, the anticipation for the next.  

Amidst this eerie silence that followed, this grotesque scene, this child, once vibrant, now lies crumpled against the unforgiving wall, her slender frame twisted, broken into an unrecognizable state. Nothing seems in the right place, her hands still clenched in the semblance of fists,, now slackened into the curve of a rodent's claws. From afar the darkness should have covered her form entirely, but for Ashley the horror of every detail was laid bare- the despair in her eyes, how her limbs are perplexed, most of all the plea that stitched painfully, nail by nail on her face, prints itself permanently as she slips beyond her body. 

Blood thick and vicious, pools around her like a macabre halo, staining the concrete below, glistening rivulets that wind and coil like serpents. Seeping into the crevices of the concrete, saturating the earth with her tragedy from this forsaken alleyway. Her once luminous hair now matted and slick with gore, lifeless too. It frames her pallid pale face, like a veil of mourning, obscuring the feature that once bore the spark of youthful vitality, shielding away the beautiful eyes that Ashley loves. Her limbs lie at unnatural angles, contorted by the force of man's monstrosity. The torn fabric of the clothing, the knife laid discarded nearby, coated in a sickening sheen of crimson. Human depravity. 

Ashley, her heart, it seems unable to breath, she yearns to hold the child, to comfort her against the icy grip of death, so she can replace the coldness of the body with the tender touch of her own hands, with warmth, and shed the tears that need to be mourned in the stillness of death. But as she reaches out, her desperate hands find only the cold metal of the car doors are locked, and the prison window doors are never able to open.  

She feels a silence in her heart, where things won’t really move, a numbness where she won’t ever be able to feel her fingertips no more. She will forget her next birthdays, her own joys, but she will remember the child’s birthday, and everything so beautiful about her, how her fingertips danced as she traced the leaves, her picky palate, discerning peas from corn and how the wind tousles her hair slightly higher than her own, reminding her how special she was.  

She wants the world to end for her, to halt from its relentless march, she craves for the sun to never rise , Shes craves that stillness be eternal, so she won’t forget about her, so she won’t lose the image of her face, so the memory of her will remain pristine, where she won’t understand what its like to move on, what it's like to heal, where she won’t learn how to stop grieving for her, how to accept, losing her.  Yet the car, heedless of her pleas, its accelerator pressed, propelling the vehicle forward with merciless speed. 

Ashley is driving forward, her heart and head tell her to hit the brakes, but Ashley can’t find the brakes. 

As they hurtle forward, hands frantically searching for the brakes, with sickening lurch, whether it's her or the car, something collides with the unforgiving wall. Everything erupts in flames, the undead corpse below, her haunting and loving memories scorched apart. It roars to life, voracious hunger, with a ferocity that melts emotions... It licked at the twisted metals and bodies. Smoke billowed upwards, adding darkness to the already black sky… 

We are falling from the skies, the blue world seems so vast, a sky born of the bluest petals, between the marshmallow clouds, that wait to shed rain, birds in the sky surrounds us, heaven-bound birds that glide as free souls and we are like butterflies soaring towards infinity, carried by the currents of the air, but we are descending, descending into beauty that I could never ask for. 

The first moments were filled with her screams, a visceral reaction to the unknown, but in time her mouth opens for laughter and joy instead, singing a song along with the rush of wind around us. In this suspended moment I don't think I'm driving anymore at least in this frame, the car isn't here  

We see this world, from new eyes, everything seems so small, tress once towering giants, reduced mere specks, and skyscrapers, that once reached the skies, once bestowed themselves upon the world, now mere Lego blocks scattered across this constellation. 

With a gentle tug, I release the parachutes embracing the inevitable descent, serenity. As we glide towards the earth below, I find solace in the child’s smile, it’s the way her lips curve upwards, like an arch of an rainbow, her eyes crinkle at the edges, as her lips part into that radiant smile, everything else holds value only in the insignificance  and I gladly, gladly surrender myself, gracefully and descend into that smile, that  beautiful smile. And I know me the car and most of all her, have found our home. 

There were no breaks after all. 

Ashely is driving forward, forward into that cursed smile. 

Ashley is driving forward, forward into that black sky.