Double Minus

“Jesus Hannah, You’re looking fat” Jakob comments as he passes her in the lift. “You what?” She replies with appalled shock. Suddenly, to break the silence, he pushes out a forced laugh, to gesture as if he was joking. He signs to her that she is looking better than fine in-fact. 

Hannah laughs with recognition to his supposed joke, as the lift doors closed abruptly on her, eliminating the awkwardness. ‘Poor Hannah’, Jakob thought to himself, he actually believed post pregnancy had gone well for her body. He slaps himself with irritation, how could he be so stupid to say that. Some mornings take him long to adjust. But moments like this put him right back into it, he would never forget. 

Every morning, after making his first rude comment of the day, it takes himback. Back into his awkward 14 year old body. The time he played a prank. A sarcastic prank, to a nasty bully. A big bully boy known as Jackie. A dim witted weirdo with large fists and a hunger for beating people up. He was big, but stupid, like a zombie the size of Dwayne Johnson. Jackie would often boast about his mother being a witch. As if people would applaud. When really they thought he was an unhinged loon. But no-one would ever question him, otherwise Jackie would just quench his thirst for punching. 

On the day before it happened, young Jakob sat there, scratching the wood of the playground bench with his clenching fingers. Watching as Jackie continuously tried to tread on a girl’s heels as she walked to class. He was attempting, with malice, to take of her shoes. Jakob recalls her little face welling up. He couldn’t take it anymore. Jackie was a shit that needed flushing. 

Later that day in maths second period, Jakob took on the challenge to outwit the witless. In front of the class of thirty, and stood before the stern-faced Mr Beasley, Jakob confessed his undying love for Jackie’s gormless face. Everyone laughed, oh what a jokester he was. The sarcasm was astounding. Jakob managed to pick on every aspect of Jackie’s odd body, like he was an insult comic at an open mic. “You’re shoulders are so pointy and hot, you look like a sexy palisade. Your face’s so flat and spotty, like a dreamy dot to dot!”. The whole routine had been worn down thin, he thought, yet the laughter never seised. And so he kept hammering on. 

Even the thunderously strict Mr Beasley let out a cackle, before dropping to a stern face and throwing Jakob from the class. It was relayed to Jakob after school that Jackie had supposedly curled into a ball and screamed as the laughter drained all the venom from him.  Jakob remembers he felt great satisfaction to have spooked away the most prideful, narcissistic, turnip looking child of the school. 

He felt like a hero… That was till Jackie’s mother got ahold of him the next evening. She grabbed him as he exited the gate, as cross as the devil and twice as ugly. She coils together a sentence that he can barely remember. All he recalls is the finger to his forehead. It seemed like he just run into the town weirdo. That was until he returned home and told his mother her cooking was like eating seasoned faeces. He got a right good hiding for that one. And she never cooked his favourite meal again. 

From then on, he was doomed to always say the opposite of his intended statements. Trapped in adversity. 18 years from then and here he is. He never confessed real love. If he ever tried, he’d get a slap after telling a woman how terrible their dress sense is. 

As Jakob snaps out of his flashback and settles in at his tidy desk, he spots a new, mysterious woman sitting across the office. He feels a sudden urge to adjust his hair. This was due to an uncomfortable feeling of inadequacy, that often accompanied him when seeing a new female. He peers into the black computer screen to fix his wavy, brown hair.

In the dark screen he spots his senior manager, Miles, approaching from behind with a zombified daze. “Morning Jakob” he says with a monotone voice. “Evening”, Jakob replies, again with a jokey laugh, as if to mask his ailment. Miles delivers a one-note “ha” as a minor humoured response. 

“Anyway, it’s Daniel’s birthday today” said Miles with authority. “I know you don’t know him, but since you’re the office jokester, it would be good for you to put something in. Almost no one wants to sign, kinda embarrassing. Will ya sign?”, he asks with low level anticipation. 

“Absolutely not!”, bellows Jakob with a bassy tone. “Here, hand it over,” he adds, taking the card instantly. He holds onto the card, hesitant to write. “Don’t exhaust yourself, just write something silly”, Instructs Miles,  “Where should I take the card when I’m done?” asks Jakob awkwardly. 

“Er… How long is it gunna take? I still gotta pass it around” says Miles with impatience. 

 “Oh it won’t take long, I know the guy so well” he says, knowing full well that it will in-fact take him a while and that he couldn’t tell you anything about the guy. “Just make sure to give it to me in the hour, he gets it at lunch time”. Miles stomps off. 

Jakob looks over to the mysterious new lady again, then back to the card. He concentrates to find a neutral statement, hoping not to offend Daniel and get punched out again. His forehead sweats slightly as he hyper focusses on the card. After heavy contemplation, he scribbles ‘Sad Birthday’ in a corner of the card. “Don’t screw it!” He exclaims with an amplified whine. 

The busy office workers quietly look over to his desk, spectating his freak out. For Jakob the sensation to state the opposite seemed no different than Tourettes. Except people with Tourettes had a grasp on their life for some of the time. Where as everything he said was potentially a danger move. 

Lunch time chimes in. Daniel sits amongst a cake and happy admirers. He reads his card with indifference. His eyebrows rise as he reads Jakob’s input. “Daniel, Birthday time!…” Daniel looks up at Miles with a confused expression. “He’s usually funnier”, Miles says in an unsure manner. 

The mysterious woman for afar stares Jakob down as he enters the room, what the hell did she want? Maybe she thought he was a weirdo for shouting out loud earlier? Either way this was his moment to try once again, and hopefully this time doesn’t end with a sore face.

But what could he say? Anything  he mustered  would end the conversation before it begun. Or maybe he is overthinking the outcomes? ‘Just let the conversation take its course’ he thought with intensity. The mysterious lady stares blankly at him as he realises that he’s stood looking at her this whole time whilst rattling through his brain. He approaches her as she has her face filled with a sandwich. 

“It’s horrible meeting you, I’m not Jakob”. I’d like to sit away from you, okay?” He says in a questioning tone, as he gestures to the chair. The mysterious woman looks into his eyes with shocked expression. “Go away” she says plainly and clearly. His heart drops and his back burns from overwhelming embarrassment. He would say “sorry” if it came out as authentic as his intended thought. But then, in the most subtle way,  she nods her head towards the chair. He stands there confused, she nods again, this time with a smile.  

“I’m not Georgia” she announces with a slight raspy squeak. The type of squeal that implies shy tendencies. Jakob’s heart pumps sweet sensations throughout his chest. He couldn’t believe it. ‘She’s like me’ he thought. He had found his match. “You look bloody disgusting, your hair looks like shite” he exhales with great confidence. They both smile with an abnormal layer of affection. Georgia’s eyes gleam with bliss knowing she is among understanding company. 

The next 20 minutes unfolded a conversation that could be misconstrued as relentless banter. “You’re eyes are disgusting!” Georgie exclaims with a fake gag. Jakob laughs obnoxiously at such a comment, he counteracts the remark with a simple “your teeth make me sick, I want to vomit just looking at you, did I not mention you dress like a tramp”. They both let out a high pitched cackle. Free at last! 

This moment of overblown joy was intensely intimate. Georgia’s fingers display affection as they lightly graze his palms. The moment would of be perfectly romantic, if it wasn’t filled with bewildered observers. Members of the office sit and watch amazed at the strange exchange.

The pair stared into each others eyes. No longer alone. And as the lunch break draws to its climax, Jakob’s inner linings feel dramatic disappointment, that such an interaction must end. As he removes himself from the table, he looks down on his companion of the shared infliction. “I never wanna hear from you again, your voice annoys the hell out of me, and you suck… Massively!”  

Georgia replies back instantly, “Just stay away from me, I don’t wanna see you again, you’re a dick!”. Jakob then smiles and takes a bow at her as if they had just concluded a duel. She returns the bow with a slight nod and offers to shake his hand like a professional business arrangement had been agreed. 

“Don’t hit me up” Jakob said. “I won’t” she replied. Life had just gotten interesting for Jakob again…