Joey and Loretta

“Crapola!” Frank cursed. “I should be retired, lounging on some Caribbean island sipping beer or somethin’ out of a coconut, instead of being an Uber driver!” But with losing his wife to cancer last year, then his job, too, that he held for thirty years due to layoffs, Frank Brower had run out of options. At 67, and a thin resume, he wasn't exactly a hot commodity to companies hiring. 

Frank listened to the weather report on TV and it was all bad. He hoped he’d get no calls from Uber today but just as he was having that thought, that blasted “ding” on his cell phone went off which alerted him that someone needed a lift. It was 4:18PM. He was not surprised, really, because of the heavy snow that had begun to blanket the city, lots of people were not going to want to drive and risk getting into an accident. “Yea,” said Frank sarcastically, “let the Uber guy take the risk.” Another airport run he noticed. These normally were easy but with the snow coming down hard now, all bets were off.

As Frank slow rolled into the airport and drove up the Uber tent, he noticed being flagged down by a couple in their 30s. He pulled over, put the car into park and quickly got out to get their bags. Nothing increased the volume of a tip quite like handling a customer’s luggage!

“Let me take those,” Fred said to the guy who said nothing in response. Then he took the luggage from the nicely-dressed woman who, he thinks, muttered a thank you, and threw them in the trunk. He thought to himself, This should be a quiet ride, long but quiet, as he was driving them almost thirty minutes away on the far end of the city but knew it would probably take longer due to the snow and icy roads. He then opened the back door for the woman, while the man got in on the other side himself.

Frank looked in his rear view mirror and joked, “A beautiful day for a drive, huh, folks?” He watched their faces. The man rolled his eyes and said, “Yea, just ducky.” The women offered a half-smile, then gazed out the window. Alrighty then, Frank said to himself, It’s getting colder in my car than it is outside! These two are going to be a real joy. “Normally it would take me about thirty minutes to get to your house but with the hazardous road conditions, there is no telling, especially driving through the city, I’m expecting a lot of grid-lock. We’re at four inches already and they’re saying it’ll hit a foot or more before it’s all over. So I’d say just sit back, relax and enjoy the slow ride.” There was some grumbling, then Frank heard the woman speak,

“Just to be clear, this is the last holiday I spend with your family.” Frank surmised she was not speaking to him. A second later the man responded, “Great, no doubt my familiy will be happy to hear that bit of news.”  

The air was already cold in his car and now it was getting thick. About a minute of silence passed, then the man said,

“And just to be equally clear, I will be spending the holidays with my family.” Frank couldn’t wait for the woman’s retort. “Great!” she said, “I am happy to hear that bit of news!” Frank thought, Oh boy. I'm guessing I shouldn't ask them their holidays.

“Your Italian mother, Joey,” the woman asserted, “I think made it crystal clear she does not like me. And, why, because I’m not a gumba like you?” (“Gumba” being a derogatory slang word from someone from Sicilian descent).

“No, Loretta.” the man replied, “Maybe it was because you didn’t help her much in the kitchen the entire weekend…like my other girlfreinds have done. And don’t call me a gumba.”

Frank thought, What the hell is a gumba? 

Loretta shot back, “First of all, you never informed me that your mother wanted my help in the kitchen, so you only have yourself to blame for that; plus you know I don’t cook very much so how much help would I have been? Oh, and let’s be clear on another matter, Mr. Hot-stuff, if you ever want to enjoy these again,” she said as she thrust out her breasts in Joey’s direction, “you will not insult me by comparing me to your past bimbos. I have more brains in my right pinkie than all of them put together.” Before she could continue, Joey blurted out,

“Well, doc, if you had a brain, you’d know it isn’t in your right pinkie, so I’d stop braggin’ about that area of your body if I were you.”

“Oh, so you’re a comedian now?" Loretta blurted. "Seriously? And stop interrupting me when I’m making a point, which is that you never had a woman with the combination of intelligence and beauty like me so you should thank your lucky stars every day.” At this point

Loretta stopped talking to Joey and directed her words to Frank. “What’s your name, sir, if I may ask?” 

Startled, he replied, “What’s that ma’am? You talking to me? It’s Frank.”

She continued, “Well, Frank, you don’t know us and I apologize for our being so rude. But if you ever drove any of this guy’s past girlfriends, oh, my God, let me tell you…

Joey cut her off. “Loretta, can you stop this? Do you really think this cab driver wants to hear you drone on with your childish ranting about my past girlfriends? And getting back to your excuse as to why you never offered to help my mother with the cooking.” At this point he stopped talking to Loretta and tapped Frank on the back, saying, “She’s quite right, Frank, she doesn’t cook a lot—thank God—because she almost burned down my fifth-floor condo on the East Side the last time she did!”

Loretta glared at him, then said, “Thank you very much, Joey, for making total light of what was a very traumatic experience for me, and in front of our cab driver no less. Talk about childish! And have you so quickly forgotten, darling?” She leaned forward and grabbed the front seat with both her hands, talking to Frank again, and said, “You should ask him why the fire started in the first place. Let me tell you, it’s because I was wearing a tight black, strapless dress he bought me, and it made my bazoombas bust out and he couldn’t keep his hands off me so we got a little pre-occupied, if you know what I mean.” She looked back at Joey, saying, “Am I refreshing your memory?”

“Oh yea, OK.” he said. “Still, you gotta admit, you’re no wiz in the kitchen, Loretta. I never prayed so much till I started dating you and eating your cooking.”

 “Still the comedian, I see." Loretta said sarcastically. "You’re a real riot, Joey. But you’re no Emeril Lagasse in the kitchen either. Come to think of it, do you even know where your kitchen is? Frank, when he invites me for dinner, if he ‘cooks’—and I use that word loosely—we have baked potatoes and salad from a bag. Truly award-winning. ”  

“Loretta, do me a favor and don’t quit your day job," he shot back.

She responded, “Ah, the truth hurts, doesn’t it? And since when did my cooking really bother you? You’ve never said anything till now.”

Joey answered sheepishly, “Well, if you must know, my mother asked me if you cook…”

Loretta exploded, “Your mother! I should have known! I see where this is going. Do me a favor, Joey, and go back to one of your brain-dead floozies. I’m not sure what I saw in you in the first place.” She then spoke to Frank.

“Frank, I’ve decided I want to be dropped off at my condo, not his. Is that OK? And please drop me off first. If it wasn’t snowing, I’d get out here and walk the rest of the way, even in high heels.”

Joey responded, “Fine by me. Yea, Frank, please drop her off first—and step on it!”

Snow was falling heavier now and the wind was vicious so visability was diminishing rapidly. Traffic was at a virtual standstill. That did not bode well for Frank and his two love birds in the backseat. Things were deteriorating between them fast so he decided to take matters into his own hands. 

Frank jumped in, “Well, it’s snowing pretty hard now and we’re stuck in traffic, so I don’t think ‘stepping on it’ is an option. So whoever’s place I go to first, it’s gonna be a while. Now I hate to butt into this very stimulating discussion you two are having back there but would you mind if I ask a question?”

Loretta and Joey looked at each other, shrugging agreement that they were fine with that. 

“Sure, ask away,” Joey said. 

Frank continued, “So I was wondering, how did you two meet? And who had eyes for who first?” 

The couple looked at each other, puzzled, deciding who would speak first. Joey looking to Loretta said, “Ladies’ first.”

“Thank you for acknowledging me as a lady.” Loretta said. “Frank, before I tell you where we met, as far as who had eyes for who first, that’s easy, the first moment he layed eyes on me, he was hooked…” She quickly was interrupted,

Joey burst out laughing, “In your dreams, girl. That is so not true! Frank, first off, we met at a bar on the west side almost seven months ago. I was there with my buddies, playing pool, when suddenly, the waitress shows up and hands me a bottle of beer and says, ‘This is from the woman at the bar in the red sweater.’ I look over to where she is pointing and there’s Loretta smiling at me. So, Frank, I ask you, does that answer your question?”

Before Frank could answer, Loretta interjected,

“Hold on, Joey! There’s so much you’re leaving out. Frank, what he conveniently forgot to mention was how many times he came up to the bar, where I was minding my own business, enjoying a martini with a girlfriend of mine, just to ‘talk to the bartender’. Yea, right.” 

Joey butted in, “The bartender happens to be a personal friend of mine, remember?”

Loretta continued, “Oh really, since when? Still, the frequency to which you showed up at the bar is just a little suspicious, if you ask me. Not to mention, every time you came up to talk with him, you always managed to look over and catch my eye.” 

“Yea,” Joey said, “and I was only able to catch your eye, because your eye was first looking at me. I think I got you on that one. Case closed, wouldn’t you say, Frank?”

“Oh, so now you’re a lawyer?” Loretta said shaking her head with a slight smile. “But you still haven’t explained why you left the pool table so often to come to the bar. Answer me that, Mr. Smarty-pants.”   

Frank sensed that as they were strolling down memory lane, the ice—at least inside his car—was beginning to melt.

He finally interjected, “Folks, may I make an obervation here? I’m no marriage therapist or nuthin’ like that but what I’m hearing is two people who met and fell in love across a crowded bar room. Now the other issue of who had eyes for who first, well, I’d say it’s a standoff. And, does it matter, really? The point is, you both liked what you saw and moved to make a connection. Now I don’t need to know all the details of what happened this weekend, it obviously didn’t go as well as you both had hoped. But does it have to be a gamebreaker? Hell no! As I listened to you, it sounds like you both enjoy food and eating together, am I right?” The couple nodded in agreement. “And it also sounds like you both are—let’s say—lacking in culinary skills in the kitchen. Is that, too, an accurate statement?” They started to chuckle, a little, but together agreed. “OK, then. Why not take some cooking lessons? Many years ago I did, because I wanted to impress my girlfriend who became my wife, and they were great fun. And if I may so, I’m a pretty good cook now. My wife was, too, and we shared a lot of fun memories cooking special dishes for each other and cooking together.”

Loretta and Joey looked at each. Joey leaned in closer to her and whispered in her ear, “It sounds like his wife is no longer around. Did you catch that?” Loretta said, “Yea.” Before getting Joey’s approval, she asked, “Frank, where’s your wife now?”

Frank replied, “She, that is Bonnie, died of cancer almost a year ago.” 

Loretta looked at Joey, holding back the tears, “We’re so sorry, Frank. I feel terrible now, arguing like we've been. Don’t you, Joey?”

Frank said, “Thanks, I appreciate that. It’s all good. Bonnie was a saint, she had to be, being married to me. We were married forty wonderful years. You know something? You two have something special here. Life is a precious gift from God, don’t waste it with silly arguing. Forgive, forget, and get back to the important things. In this case, your relationship.”

They both slowly nodded, then there was a long silence. Frank kept quiet. Joey then turned to his girlfriend and said, “Loretta, can you forgive me for all the nonsense I said earlier? I’m such a jerk; frankly, I don’t know what you see in me.”

Loretta wiping the tears from her eyes, smiled, and replied, “I don’t either, really. Just kidding, Joey.” She then reached out her hands to hold his. She continued, “Of course I forgive you. And I’m sorry, too. Sometimes that hard Brooklyn side comes out and it always gets me in trouble. Hand me your cell phone, please.”

Joey looked puzzled but got his phone from his pocket and handed it to her. She quickly dialed a number.

“Hi Mrs De Luca, this is Loretta, Joey’s girlfriend. Yes. How are you?” Joey’s eyes almost popped out of his head. “I just want to say thanks again for having me this weekend. I also want to say that you are an excellent cook. I absolutely loved everything. And I’m so sorry for not offering to help you in the kitchen. I’m a little shy but next time I’m there, which I hope is soon, I definitely will. In fact, would you teach me to cook like you do? Really, you would? Great! We’ll be booking a flight back to see you soon so keep your apron on! What? OK, hold on.” Loretta handed the phone to Joey.

Shocked, Joey gazed at Loretta in amazement, then took the phone. “Hi ma! What’s that? Yea, she is a special lady. Of course...I’m gonna keep her, ma; I’d be a fool to ever let her go, especially if you’re gonna teach her to cook like you. I gotta go ma, we’re almost home. I’ll call soon. Love you, too. Bye.” 

Joey hung up and shook his head, saying. “I gotta admit, Loretta, that was one classy move and I never saw it comin'.” Loretta placed her head on Joey’s shoulders, snuggling close, and wrapped her arms around his right arm, smiling, and said, “Frank, when you drop Joey off, maybe I’ll go with him.” 

Both Joey and Frank were smiling now.

At last, they arrived at their condo. By now it looked as if the snow was closing in on seven-inches.

Frank said, “Be careful as you get out as it could be icy.” He jumped out and opened the door for Joey first and Loretta next, then he got their bags out of the trunk. The three stood there looking awkwardly at each other for a few moments, aware that a special bond had formed between them on this crazy long ride from the airport due to the snow storm. Finally Frank broke the silence, “I think you two love birds are going to have some fun tonight, huh? Cooking together I mean. And I had better get an invite to the wedding.”

The couple laughed, then Joey said, “Not sure we’re ready for that but had it not been for you, I’d be walking into my home alone tonight. Can’t thank you enough, Frank.”

Loretta chimed in chuckling, “Yea, Frank, you saved this jerk from losing the best thing that ever walked into his life. And I’m grateful…because I almost lost my best friend.” She gave Frank a kiss on the cheek.

Joey added, “Hey, Frank, maybe we’ll have you over for dinner sometime.”

Loretta looked at him, saying, “Oh, and who’s cooking?” They all laughed and said goodbye.

As Frank finally reached the front door of his home, seemingly hours from when he first left to pick up the couple, he checked his Uber account out of curiosity to see what they gave him as a tip. He smiled. There in bold numerals was $100! Out loud he said, “Wow, maybe I should hang up taxi driving and become a marriage therapist. Yea, right, in your my dreams Frank Brower.” 

As he stood on his front porch, Frank looked up into the night sky and ignoring the snowflakes alighting on his face, and said, “Hey, Bonnie, I think we did pretty good today, you and me, wouldn’t you say? I miss you, baby.” And as he walked inside and was closing the door, he cursed, “Damn, forgot to ask them what a gumba is?”